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So, I decided to get myself on some online dating apps.

It's strange to go online and swipe through peoples images...I find it kind of odd, but I guess it's because I literally haven't dated for 20 years, which makes me feel completely out of the game...and old!

So, I was surprised that it was pretty easy to get messaging with people and also how quickly I got to actually talk with someone. Then last week I got invited to go out. The proceeding week i've been wracked with anxiety, like feeling bad if my ex finds out (I decided I didn't want her to know), and worried about what my kids would think. This was also combined with the fact that to go out I would have to break the Covid rules on movement where I am. I was quite concerned about this, but then I thought, fuck it, i'm doing this.

Anyhow, I actually went out for the date today, which spun me out completely, like I literally didn't know what to do with myself before I got there. The date was a hike, which again was odd, because i'm sure that i'd not have done that when I was a kid (like, in my 20s), so I totally didn't know what to expect.

The date was great, the person I met was really nice, kinda cute and we hit it off, in that we had a lot in common, and we just talked easily.

However, i'm now sitting at home and overthinking everything, worried about the future, concerned about what I should tell this person about my past? She seems really nice and I don't want to use her in any way, but at the same time, it's great to meet with someone and realise that there is maybe a future for me.

I guess ultimately my question is, is this normal? Have I gone into this too quickly? I actually feel like I shouldn't be doing this. My overriding feeling is guilt, like i'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

I was with my wife for 20 years, and I feel like there should be some arbitrary time frame after sepration that dating is ok - does that sound odd?

I dove back into the dating pool after 10 year relationship ended almost immediately. Fwiw my WW had exit EA. It did not take but a month before I realized that it was too soon and sidelined myself until I did the work I needed to be a healthy partner again. I also avoided other recently made single when I started again. Bulls in china shops is the meme that comes to mind.

Any timeline for this is going to be individualized. You are going to be rusty as hell and anxious after 20 years even if you're ready. Things have changed so much that it's like being a teenager just dating for the first time. Fwiw my lovely wife of 6 years was one of the first people I contacted when I ended my timeout.

It sounds like you had a wonderful date. How did you leave it?

[This message edited by grubs at 6:28 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]

If you are still married I suggest you not date until at least your divorce is in process. Let this woman know you are interested but that you need to wait until you are a single man.

You haven’t posted much but from what you have said it appears you are not yet divorced.

Be patient. If you are proceeding with divorce it won’t be long before you are single again.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:12 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]

In looking at your last post from Christmas Eve you were not yet living apart.

You should be focused on yourself and your children—not dating. By your own words this spun you out so you are not ready at all. Get divorced, get a routine with your children, let CV19 continue as you are comfortable, stay healthy.

The saying “broken attracts broken” applies to dating for a reason...you want to attract someone that is healed and happy with their life. Most people have a hard line about dating separated people for a reason...too fresh, rebounding, drama/trauma bonding, etc.

Once divorced, give yourself months++ to reconsider dating, 20 years is a lot to recover from. Take care of you first!

Agree. Separated but not yet divorced became a no-go for me. Actually I wouldn't for at least a few months after D becomes final as the finalisation in itself can bring up some ghosts your dates should have to contend with.

I'm not in the "you must be divorced and not just separated" category but only because there are so many situations out there (including my own, where we have been legally separated for 7 yrs now but haven't done the official divorce for some really specific reasons).

That being said, I would also not date someone so fresh from their marriage. I decided to put myself on a 2yr timeout from any sort of dating when I first left - I knew I was no good to anyone for dating. Then when I started dating, I was super conscious of Red flags but probably to the point where I saw red flags where there were none but it was my mind protecting myself because I still wasn't ready.

I'm now dating a wonderful man who has a very similar past with his ex wife as I do with my ex husband - both of us are still technically married but it's been 7yrs apart and we would both rather eat shards of glass than reunite with our exes. neither of us plan to get married again (for financial reasons) but we are both protected legally from the actions of our exes. So for me, this is a perfect match despite the fact that we aren't divorced.

you leave out if you are still living together, separated,

divorced a BS or WS. so to comment on you dating is

pointless.

then you leave out how you presented your marital

relationship status online and to this girl you went on a date

with.

those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.

I guess ultimately my question is, is this normal? Have I gone into this too quickly? I actually feel like I shouldn't be doing this. My overriding feeling is guilt, like i'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

I was with my wife for 20 years, and I feel like there should be some arbitrary time frame after sepration that dating is ok - does that sound odd?

You don't post much and we don't know about your latest situation. I assume you aren't divorced yet but you both agreed that the marriage is over and separated.

Dating someone at this stage sounds too early. But that's not for your feeling guilt about betraying your marriage, it's over and you are no longer responsible for loyalty. It sounds early because in the mood of being cheated and ending your marriage, you can make unhealthy decisions about your future. On the other hand, if you can just enjoy the moment without making sudden decisions, this can actually help you get rid of this trauma more comfortably.

As an XBH who started dating a few months after divorce papers were filed, but doing the in-house separation thing, I spotted something in your post that I identify with, but others haven’t commented on yet, that you’re worried about what your kids might think. My kids knew that my XWW was cheating and running out of the house whenever she could, during IHS, to see OM. I was worried that my kids would equate my post-filing dating with her cheating. As a result, I didn’t let my kids know I was dating until about 1.5 years post-finalization. This was very unfair to a woman who I started dating 2 months pre-finalization and started introducing me to her family as soon as my divorce was finalized. I suggest that you hold off dating until you’re comfortable with your kids knowing that you’re dating in general, not necessarily a specific woman.

Thanks for your comments and opinions.

It sounds like you had a wonderful date. How did you leave it?

We just said goodbye and I messaged her to say i'd like to meet again, which was responded to positively. With the way things are in the world it could be another month, or longer!

You haven’t posted much but from what you have said it appears you are not yet divorced.

I'm not, and it's unlikely to happen soon. I am overseas, and if I went ahead with it, my ex would end up having to leave the country due to our visa situation. Much as I dislike her, I would not want to stop the children from seeing her. I have no idea what will happen in the future.

you leave out if you are still living together, separated,

divorced a BS or WS. so to comment on you dating is

pointless.

then you leave out how you presented your marital

relationship status online and to this girl you went on a date

with.

I am separated and my wife does not live with me. I have been totally open about this in my online profile and face to face.

It sounds early because in the mood of being cheated and ending your marriage, you can make unhealthy decisions about your future. On the other hand, if you can just enjoy the moment without making sudden decisions, this can actually help you get rid of this trauma more comfortably.

I agree, I think partly my situation (overseas, no family connections) means that I kind of wanted to meet up with someone. I think many people overseas might be in a similar situation right due to Covid and all the restrictions, even those not separated/divorced etc. We all know it's hard being away from people you are close to and having some kind of connection with someone is something I felt I needed. Being overseas i've realised has added to my feeling of isolation. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks, and felt like it was something that would help me, just to talk to someone. I also realised that part of healing was to be able to think about myself in a positive light with another person, to realise that what happened wasn't that I was a shitty person?

I agree that maybe this is very soon, but at the same time I have made a conscious decision to be completely open with anyone I meet. I am definitely thinking that maybe I will not do this (keep trying to meet people) again anyway. I don't want to spend my time on Tinder etc. trying to organise dates right now, it's a bit too much.

I suggest that you hold off dating until you’re comfortable with your kids knowing that you’re dating in general, not necessarily a specific woman.

This makes sense to me, and I agree that I need to think carefully about this. I feel like I don't want to keep going with the online apps, and certainly want to take it easy, but at the same time it feels great to have met someone that has a lot of common interests and experiences, which was quite startling.

Anyway, I have been clear from the moment I started chatting with this person about my situation, that I have kids, that I am recently separated (she did ask). I've also realised that I have not asked her any of these questions.

I am seeing a counsellor in a couple of days and hope to talk all this through. However, you are right about my feelings about the kids, and this is a hard one to balance.

Again, BTDT, I think that the reason you didn’t ask about her marital and kid situation was that you were more interested in her liking you, than if you’d be a good fit for each other in terms of a relationship.