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Karma,

I’m glad that he is being respectful. Just to put things in perspective...my platonic male friends do not show up with my favorite wine. Much less do I see them twice in the same week.

I’ve not seen one for months due to CV19 and his families health priorities. We text or chat a few times a month.

I would be prepared to ensure that he is not looking for a ‘friends’ w benefits arrangements of some sort. Unless that is what you are eventually interested in. Be clear with your communication and boundaries. Some people want to label women as bitches when we state our expectations. THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. No need for drama, tears, anger, etc. just an adult (!!) conversation.

Trust your gut!

Annie, I don’t think he is (looking for a FWB arrangement). He really does seem old fashioned and a gentleman. He never lets me pay for anything, or shows up empty handed (to the point that it’s getting a bit embarrassing), and he never suggests anything other than what we have.

He was also cheated on but he has remained friendly with his ex and doesn’t say a bad word about her. This is HUGE for me because my ex bf was vicious to his ex, and she was always the elephant in the room (if not the room!).

This guy is grounded, calm, quietly confident, successful, a pillar of the community, and a devoted dad. He might very well be the nicest man I have ever met

But we carry on just being friends. The only hint that he might be hoping for something more down the line was last week, when we were walking in the woods and he let slip that I was one of the most attractive people he’d ever meet. I thanked him breezily and changed the subject

He’s coming to the Hospital next Tuesday to have lunch with me and we are already making plans for when this never ending lockdown comes to an end. It’s going to be his birthday in two weeks and I am thinking of what would be appropriate as a present. I quite like the idea of a food hamper from my country (Italy)....I think it would feel thoughtful without being too personal

Brief update.

Three months on, it looks like we might be taking things to the next level. We kissed today. It was a gentle kiss, but I liked it. He looked as though all his Christmases had come at once

I told him I still need to take things slowly and he said that’s fine, I can take as long as I need: he will wait.

Karma, I really enjoy hearing where this is going!

Good things can happen...

I hope for you :)

Good things can happen...until you fuck them up

It’s all over with Mr Nice guy and it’s all my fault. After our last eventful meeting, there were fewer messages coming from him. To be fair, he did say he was going to have a busy week at work but my insecurities got the better of me. After an unusually long pause (2 days), I sent him a really nasty text saying it was best that we didn’t see each other anymore. I honestly don’t know what came over me. Actually I do know. And I have known all along. I am not ready for a relationship precisely because the neediness and the co-dependant thing are all still there, ready to rear their ugly head.

His response was gracious: he said he was very sad I felt that way and he wished me all the best. The next day, realising the magnitude of what I had done, I sent him a text apologising and trying to explain, but he simply replied that he doesn’t want another relationship where issues are not brought up and he is then hit by an ‘emotional train’. He is, of course, right. And I didn’t push it.

I am heartbroken. Or shall I say, I broke my own heart, which I seem to be a master at. Sorry, wallowing in self pity today, I’ll be better in the morning

Sorry to hear that Karma. I'm sure it's hard to view this from the 30,000 ft level right now, but I think you're right this is part of your journey on learning to move forward. If it hadn't been this particular "blip" it likely would have materialized somewhere else soon enough, based on what you've shared.

I know it doesn't feel good right now, but learning this valuable lesson about yourself is a gift. It happened before you got a real attachment.

I have been there done that. Looking back it was the best thing that should have happened at that point in my journey. I was able to work through it and not bring it into future relationships.

Brinbk, I knew I wasn’t ready and said it all along but decided to take a risk because he was so worth it!

Twicefooled, you are completely ,100% right. I just wish that my ‘guinea pig’ hadn’t been someone as amazing as he

After an unusually long pause (2 days),

How often did you guys usually text before this long pause? Two days is a long time in my book, and if there were fewer texts from him a few days before that... He may have been really pulling back, or even preparing to ghost you. He may have even been relieved by your scathing text. You did the work for him.

Or, he might just have been super busy, the two-day pause was not unusual, and you discovered you are not ready for a relationship.

Either way, this is a learning and growing experience. Move forward with your newfound knowledge about yourself. Take a break from dating, or just keep it casual for the near future.

This is hard. Believe me I know. I'm navigating similar waters, dating someone new and trying not to allow my scars to f*** it up.

Slow and easy.

How often did you guys usually text before this long pause? Two days is a long time in my book, and if there were fewer texts from him a few days before that... He may have been really pulling back, or even preparing to ghost you. He may have even been relieved by your scathing text. You did the work for him.

WhoTheBleep, two days was a long time for us. We started off on four or five messages a day but in the last two three weeks this went down to one or two and I typically initiated. I decided to wait for him to text first and that’s when the two days happened. What you said is actually what I have been thinking all day. I cocked up but apologised pretty much straight away and he was only too quick to dismiss my apologies. So yes, he was probably preparing to exit the scene anyway.

Ah well. I am sobering up pretty quickly to be honest. When I ended my last relationship in the summer, my confidence in men was at an all time low, and I promised to myself that I would never stay in a relationship which caused me any degree of anxiety or sadness, so I got to keep my side of the bargain I guess.

I am not gonna lie, it hurts but I know I’ll be ok and back to my healing journey, from which I was momentarily diverted.

Final update. I have not heard from him since that day and I am doing ok. Truth be told, I am relieved that I am back to where I was, healing wise. I wasn’t ready and I think he wasn’t ready to wait, despite his earlier protestations.

But the whole thing set me back. Feel very full with strange, complicated emotions. Having weird and often upsetting dreams. I am thinking PTSD. I started IC with a new therapist last Monday and I think we are going to get on

"I just wish that my ‘guinea pig’ hadn’t been someone as amazing as he"

My first real relationship post divorce was with someone that was pretty amazing and I felt the same way as you.

Fast forward 5 yrs and another relationship in between and I feel like the I've found The One for me.....he's like First Guy but the upgraded version

Take your time and find yourself. I am completely OK with being single the rest of my life but I enjoy having a relationship, if it's the right one. Took me a long time to understand this but I feel so much more prepared now than I did years ago.

Karma, I’m glad to see that you are exploring things further with a new IC. I waited over 2 years from a breakup w a long term BF, only one since D, before I started to date last year.

Everyone is different, but I have no desire to wait for someone to heal from a breakup while I’m seeing them. Obviously you learned you were not ready, I hope he learned a lesson too. And not to put himself in that position again-to make “waiting” statements that in the end he is unwilling or unable to fulfill.

It feels based on what you said he indeed had started to emotionally disconnect. 3 months is a long time to wait for a kiss, even with CV19. Maybe he was not willing to add on XX more months until things progressed further. Who knows?

Take care of yourself. This was a hard guinea pig lesson, but now you have the hindsight of more wisdom. Trust your instincts. ☮️