SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So as the title suggests. I know that because I'm asking the question I already know its not a great idea.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I haven't been on here in years, but long story short after my divorce I've been living with family and trying my best to work on me and be there for my DD as much as the parenting plan allows.

Even though I haven't worked on new romantic relationships, I'm not desperate to be in one. So that's not a factor in the issue at hand.

The ex-WW is leaving her husband. She has a little boy with him. When she was getting DD today she dropped a little bombshell that I want to run by you fine folks.

She has to move out of her current place by April. Plans to get a house in town. She asked me about the possibility of me renting the basement of the New place.

I don't know how I feel about it. She hasn't done the work for us to try and reconcile. And I see it as a ploy to try and see if we could work again.

As long as I think with the right head I know there's no chance of us being a thing again.

The positives? I'd be out of my parents place and I'd get more time with my daughter.

Go ahead and proceed to dump buckets of ice water on my head.

My first jaded thought was she wants you to be a built-in babysitter, handyman, and rent contributor.

And you're a safe landing place.

How would the visitation thing work with her STBX? Just so many questions.

The boundaries with that entire thing would be way too much for me to even contemplate.

So that's an "Eeek" from me.

I totally get wanting more time with your DD. But that's a hard pass from me dawg. I fear that would blur a lot of lines for you that should remain clear. Just my 0.02.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yeah, she dropped this on me at 5pm today. Still a little shell shocked to be honest.

Wanna hear the kicker? She mentioned she would need about 8k to put down on it and that she's asking all the people in her life for help, including yours truly

She still owes me money for one of the marital cars I had to pay off.

Now, to reverse this a little bit. I have been saving for my own place and I did entertain the idea of a duplex or something and giving her mom a fair rate. Rent is above market value in our area.

Does that sound any better? The way she usually does her finances, i imagine I'd have to evict her and would I be able to do that? Ugh, its just bad either way.

Again I'm just giving you my honest opinion here, but all of that has disaster written on it in giant letters. Get your own place yes. But not a good idea at all to enmesh yourself in her mess any further except where necessary for your kid.

You know that methinks.

Please take this in the spirit it is given.

FUCK NO!

Good luck with your decision

I'm certain you will find your way.

Nope.

Nopity, nopity, nope nope nope!

JMHO

No. You got divorced for a reason. That reason is still there, so she shouldn't be.

Stay apart. As you get farther out the reasoning brings that will become pellucidly clear.

And what are you to do when she comes home every day with a different man?

You know that she is only asking you to be a contributor. She has no thought of getting back together, or for you to be able to spend more time with your DD. Its all about her.

I'd also not purchase a duplex and let her mom rent one unit. Stay away from shitty people. She's shown you who she is, so believe her.

You do know better. Your resentment will overcome you and life will become unbearable.

No. No. No. No. No.

You can always offer to take DD while she looks for a place. Past behavior (especially if they don't do the work) are an excellent indicator of future behavior. She's screwed you over in many ways and will continue to do so unless you put a stop to it.

Once you let her in, good luck getting her out again. Ask yourself if the hassle is worth it.

She just wants to use you. While there is the benefit of being with your daughter - 8k to be in the basement, listening her baby wail and her bed bounce when she hooks up with the next idiot - just no. Save your money and if you want, you can buy or rent a house down the street from wherever she ends up and have more time with your daughter. Don't let her use you again.

I asked, you answered. Only reason I entertained the thought is coparenting improved as we got further out from d-day and the divorce. Of course I've been maintaining NC except as schooling/medical for DD required it.

Her monkeys belong in her circus, not mine.

Thanks for the splash of reality.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

While I think renting out a basement would for sure be a shit show. I think that a duplex and healthy boundaries/rules could be great. If I am correct your youngest is still pretty young and being able to see mom and dad whenever could be great plus not having to schlep their stuff all over the city. It's been 5 years since your D and it sounds like the two of you are amicable enough. My only concerns are do you still have feelings for her that it would bother you to see her with another man? If you get said duplex and it doesn't work out with EWW would it be fairly easy to find another renter?

Good luck!

I think that a duplex and healthy boundaries/rules could be great.

That'll only work if you are prepared to either eat the loss or evict her when necessary. It's kind of a rule of mine to only due business with friends and family, if I'm willing to consider the transactions a gift. I'm not sure that works well with exs.

#1 If you rent the duplex, assume they will become squatters and you will be supporting them. You need to build a savings beyond a home, retirement, college etc. instead. It is your responsibility to care for yourself and your child, not your ex and her family.

#2 Her asking you and anyone else for money is COMPLETELY inappropriate. She can ask family to borrow and pay back on schedule but friends and you? That is pretty low budget. Keep away.

#3 The reason the exchanges and parallel-parenting are working is because you are SEPARATE. Once together, the odds are this goes downhill fast.

#4 Say good-bye to dating that perfect woman you meet when she finds out you are living in your ex'es basement. I know I won't be dating any man living in the same home as his ex. Living with family while saving is respectable and logical. Living in exes basement, that would be a red-flag for any potential partner.

I know what you mean looking for the buckets of ice water! We've all been there at one point or another. You can go ahead and continue to trust your gut and your mind.

befuddledhubbie,

I know of a few, not many, people on here that have a good mutual and cordial relationship with their Ex spouse that something like this might work.

As you have reservations about this I would advise you to keep your relationship with your DD's mother the way it is.

The risk/reward ratio doesn't seem to work in your favor.

NO. Bottom line just NO.

She's relegating you to Plan B in the Basement.

You are smarter than this.

PS - when you say NO you don't have to respond to any of her other crap like "why" "don't you think it a good idea" "it would be so nice of DD" and variation on a theme.

Hey I remember you!

Yeah... that's a little too close to your XW. When I was looking for a house to move a few years ago. I completely avoided XH's entire neighborhood. It was too close for me!! I didn't want the kids to be able to go from one house to the other independently.

Anyway, nice to see ya! Continue to save up and get a place without your XW.