SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As Affair-Divorce veterans having gone through the crucible of reality, after having someone you trusted completely burn you to the ground, and thinking much more pragmatically than our former naïve selves, what are you all doing to protect yourselves from possible future harm involving your new beginnings-specifically, remarriage. What are you doing-if anything, to protect yourself, to protect assets and your estate in a future divorce?

I will almost certainly be the higher-earning and higher-asset partner in any relationship. I had to rebuild financially at age 33 when my WXH got to take half of everything I earned (he was in med school/residency/fellowship and didn't contribute much financially to the household; he was about to start making a physician's salary when we divorced for his cheating). I don't want to rebuild again. For now, I have a wonderful SO of about 5.5 years and we don't commingle assets or live together. I understand this arrangement won't work for everyone, and who knows what the future holds. If I do decide to get married again, I will only do so if I am confident that a pre-nup will protect my assets and future earnings. I know that my heart can heal again. But I work too hard and have sacrificed too much for my job to give away $$$ in the future.

What are you doing-if anything, to protect yourself, to protect assets and your estate in a future divorce?

I also had to rebuild from scratch after XWH left. Despite being sidetracked by a highly exploitative ex bf, I still managed to stay in the saddle and, five years on, I have a rewarding career, a beautiful new home, and a life I finally feel in control of. Am I going to put any of this at risk? Hell no.

Marriage is not something I would ever consider to be honest. I don’t even think I could live with someone again. But if I ever changed my mind, which I very much doubt, I would keep our finances as separate as humanly possible!

Well, as someone who has recently ended my New Beginnings relationship, I can tell you the things I did to protect myself financially and logistically have made untangling things much more "seamless."

We lived together but apart for over 7 years. Finances were separate - but things I gave in that direction for the most part were considered gifts or things I just wanted to do. Nothing was ever joint titled or joint purchased.

There was a significant chunk of money owed my way from a loan years back, but I made sure an agreement was signed at the time. I got some eye rolling and "I would never do that to you - you can trust me" back then. But I remember being quite firm. I said something like "this is just how I do things now in my life whether it's friends or family."

When things went South a few months ago, he initially wanted to drag his feet on paying me back. But that piece of paper and court looms in the background if needed.

It sure is much "easier" spending my time grieving the relationship without the added stress of legal, financial or housing setbacks on top of it.

I'd do everything just the way I did it.

Yeah, just avoiding marriage is probably the best possible way. I’m trying to avoid commingling assets. I have my home in a trust under my name. Savings, Checking, investments are in my name with spouse and children as beneficiaries. I keep all of spouse’s money out of any mortgages, purchases and payments, insurance, maintenance utilities-everything. Her money goes into her personal accounts for personal use only.

It’s been very challenging rewriting my will and estate to accommodate her and our child at time of my demise without disinheriting my three adult kids from previous marriage.

I didn’t do a prenup but was considering a post nup. Not sure if they hold up in court.

In my state, post-nups are not enforceable in court. So look into that thoroughly.

I'm much more independent now. Like I don't want to relay on anyone ever again. Because you can't trust that someone will be there for you or look out for your best interest. I know that sounds cynical, but I'm really feeling that way lately. I also won't end up with someone unless it truly makes me happy. I've enjoyed the independence of being alone so I can see being this way for a very long time.

I've had to start over after a failed marriage twice as an adult. Once in my 30s and once in my 40s. I have no intention of reliving that a third time. I absolutely love living on my own, so for the time being I intend for it to remain that way. I doubt I'll ever remarry and I intend to always own my own home that I can afford on my salary alone. I won't share a bank account or any other accounts with anyone else again. No credit cards, no loans, nothing. I will be able to afford whatever it is on my own or I will not have it. I don't say all that because I assume the next man would also be a bad bet. I could meet the best man on earth for me and he could die, become disabled, etc. and I'd still need to be able to pay my bills. I don't have it in me to gamble a third time with my ability to care for myself without an extra paycheck coming in.

Not sure I would ever marry again but I would definitely have a pre-nup if I did. There's also an emotional component to what I have learned, that maybe relationships are better anyway when you live apart in separate dwellings. I am in my late 50s now and decided for a variety of reasons not to move in with SO and rent my own place nearby.

Good question.

I don't plan on marrying again. I will not be having anymore children so that is no longer a consideration for me.

I have a wonderful career and big plans for myself once my children are on their own. I didn't consider living with someone again until I met my current bf, but I will not live with someone with children under the roof so I anticipate living on my own for at least the next 8-10 years.

I plan on being together but apart. I don't want to co-mingle any finances and keep things separate that way. I've worked too hard to jeopardize anything for myself and my children.

But ask me again in 8-10 years and I may have a different answer lol.

I'm in the divorced and remarried group. I waited until I'd been divorced for 5 years before entering a relationship with my now husband. We dated for another 5 years before marrying. In that time, I did a lot of work on myself to ensure that I was always putting myself and my needs first in future relationship.

That said, financial issues were a concern as my current husband came into the relationship with financial baggage. An engineer in the auto industry does not always mean secure employment.

First, I watched very carefully what he did for the first five years and how he handled his money. We purchased a home, but because of his financial issues, the home is in my name only. We have one joint account for household bills and then we each have a separate account as well. I manage the joint account, but we routinely get out the household bills and additional expenses to review them together. Any large expenses on either side even if we are purchasing with our own money, we discuss - this was necessary for both of us as his XW had spending issues. I'm comfortable with that.

We are planning to have our wills written, but because we are a blended family and we both heirlooms, I've taken pictures of everything that was I brought into the marriage, saved to a thumb drive and have given this to my two adult sons. I want to make sure that if something were to happen to us, the boys would keep my heirlooms in the family. The same is true for my hubby.

It's not perfect. We've had a few heated discussions. My children were finished with college when we married, but his were in process. He promised to fund his kids education fully, while my kids took out some student loans, plus I worked two jobs. His kids college tuition was his responsibility and as a result he had to curtail some of his fun.

Financial issues are a challenge, but in general, I would say blending families is equally complex. It's fine now, but it was rough the first year of marriage. If I had to rethink or strategize differently, it would be how to set boundaries for myself with step-children.

Finally, he's a great guy, loving and supportive and I'm glad I made the leap!