When I feel powerful is when I can manipulate or control someone
Honestly CAL35, this is all good stuff even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. You are learning lessons about yourself, and while the answers you are uncovering aren't ones you like, they are at least the truth. You can now begin to see how you were using or hurting others, even if you weren't fully aware of how/why that was occurring at the time(s). However, it can also open a door for you, if you let it.
I'll tell you a little secret. Ready for this? WS's tend to be very strong and capable people. Yeah, I know, we spend all day wallowing in our shame and guilt, and at our core, we often feel powerless, which (as you stated above) is why we were open to the idea of having an affair in the first place, as it allows us to feel special, and in control. But seriously, look at all the WORK involved in having an affair! We often end up living two lives, not just one! We found one or more partners, we maintained contact with them, we arranged dates, we arranged other people's lives to allow the affair to occur, we manipulated our own lives to sustain the secrets, we wrote letters, bought gifts, had clandestine meetings, told lies and made up more lies to support them, hid things, controlled things, destroyed things, and all the while, still managed to maintain an air of normalcy and believability. Wow. That is no small feat. Shitty, yes, for sure, but still, no small feat of shittyness.
My wife used to say to me all the time, "If you put in as much work towards fixing yourself as you did into having the affair, you would see the success you want". And she was right.
So back to the quote above... you say you feel powerful when you are in control of someone else. I am going to shorten that and simply say that you feel powerful when you are in control. Would you agree? Being in control makes your fear and doubt take a back seat, and gives your ego a chance to shine. It is when you feel your best. When you are in control, fear turns into a challenge, doubt turns into confidence, uncertainty drives innovation and the scared, little person inside of us all becomes a lion. All of these things are GOOD things if we allow them to be. So far, we haven't allowed that. Not because we are evil, shitty people by nature, but because we are people who suffer from trauma, fear and insecurity that has eroded or destroyed our healthy boundaries and our own self-respect and personal worth. So how do we fix this?
We fix this by using that power and control, as well as that strength and capability, and using it for GOOD. We use it to build ourselves up rather than tearing ourselves (or others) down. The truth is, you don't need to control or manipulate others in order to feel powerful. You (and when I say YOU, I mean all WS's) instead need to control YOURSELF. You need to take that power you have and use it on yourself. If you have the power to lie, then you have the power to tell the truth even in the worst situations. If you have the power to manipulate others into doing/thinking/feeling how you need them to, then you also have the power to change your own mind, habits and goals. If you had the power to live two lives, then living just one, good life is well within your abilities. Instead of destroying, you build. Instead of running away from fear, you run into it. Instead of failing, you learn. Instead of allowing yourself to live in shame, you take control, and live the life you choose to live, believe the things you choose (along with your conscience) to believe, and achieve the goals that only you can set. We do all of this by setting healthy boundaries, and giving ourselves permission to be imperfect people without having to define or label ourselves by our failures. We define ourselves by our successes. We label ourselves by deciding who we want to be and then making our choices and actions match the labels we have decided to live by.
In other words, you control yourself instead of others. And in doing so, you begin to bring back confidence. You regain empathy. You sleep better at night simply because you know that you've done all you can, every single day, to be a good, decent person, the kind of person you respect, trust and admire. You NEVER have to lie. You never have to control others. In fact, everything is in control, all the time, and you are in 100% control of how you feel, what you do, and how you present yourself to the world. You stop needing to manipulate others, and better yet, you stop needing others to define yourself. Manipulate yourself, just do so with a positive intent and direction.
I realize now that I don't have power over anything that is deemed healthy to me.
No, it is the opposite. You are the ONLY person who has power over that. You are the only person who can even define what is healthy to you. And you are the best person for the job of taking care of that. Sure, you can get all kinds of help and advice, look for inspiration, and seek out strategies and tools to accomplish your goals. But at the end of the day, no one else can do this for you. And when your brain finally releases, and you stop believing that you are incapable of achieving the change you want, you will become capable (finger-snap!) just like that. And it will be so much easier than you pictured.
My wife used to ask me what was stopping me from moving forward. And I would tell her it is my fear. And then I realized, it was more than that... it was pre-emptive. It was "the fear of the fear". I was so afraid of feeling afraid that I was cemented in place, unable to move or even think. Having to deal with my pain, or failure, or the things I did and the choices I made and the damage done... was overwhelming. I felt as though I couldn't handle it even when I wasn't fully seeing myself. It felt like looking deep inside of myself would kill me. It felt like being someone better, or even different, was impossible, fake even. But like most things in life, when it finally happened, it was not only not as bad as I had expected, it was actually easier. Felt better. It was like putting on a bullet-proof jacket. I felt safe, even in the middle of the fire, I felt safe, because being someone I respect was the jacket that protected me from the lies I had told myself my whole life. I am not a perfect person and never will be. And I regret my failures and the damage done to others. But I can still love myself, honestly, and even the communication with myself has improved as a result. I can call out my own bullshit now, and end it before it gets farther than a thought.
You are getting there CAL35. Stop being afraid. The worst has happened and you are still here, and still okay. Hurting, but okay. If you can survive infidelity, you can survive anything.
