SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to this forum and looking for help/answers. Had an affair with a co-worker 4 years ago and worked extremely hard and successfully saved our marriage. My issue now is that I use porn more than my wife to satisfy my needs. How do I stop using porn and concentrate more on my wife?

Hi there Skylab,

Welcome to SI. This place helped me so much and I hope it can help you too. I guess the first thing I'd want to know is whether your wife is aware of your porn use and whether it's considered within the bounds of your commitment of fidelity to her.

The second thing is, what work did you do during the aftermath of your affair to figure out how/why you were able to choose cheating? You talk about having saved the marriage, I'm wondering what that involved.

As far as porn use goes, I think a big part of the appeal is that it requires no intimacy whatsoever. So the answer to your request (how do you stop using porn and start focusing on your wife) is to learn how to tolerate or better yet embrace the vulnerability to actually show up during interactions with your wife.

My issue now is that I use porn more than my wife to satisfy my needs.

The way you worded this stood out to me. Maybe it means nothing. Or do you view your wife as a tool, like porn can be? That would be in line with EvolvingSouls comment about lack of intimacy.

Welcome to the site. Try to keep any open mind about the questions you may get asked. It helps SI members offer more direct input.

Thank you! This is definitely not the easiest thing to go through being on a forum like this and opening up my emotions. Yes, my wife does know of my addiction. I will admit that the point that watching a porn site does not require intimacy which makes complete sense to me and with that takes away what I need to do and be as a husband to her. I truly believe that what I see on porn, I cannot 'duplicate' fearing that she may not be into the fantasies that I watch nor would I feel comfortable as well trying with my wife.

In a way, I feel that I do not deserve my family's love or trust, after what I put them through.

I have changed a lot in the past 4years and will continue to make better myself for my wife and kids!! I just have to fix this issue/ problem to complete my journey.

Hi again Skylab,

Yes, my wife does know of my addiction.

Could you clarify this a little more? Is your use of porn considered by your wife to be within in the bounds of your commitment to fidelity to her?

You know what....I should have put down how to STOP using porn as my topic. That is my real issue. I will apologize now, that I do try to stay off of the internet so that I do not get tempted by viewing those sites.