SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But Yes it takes time of being away from your abuser to see that most of what they do is abuse.

Unfortunately, xWW is not my only abuser.

There was another incident last night, this time with my mother.

I don't remember the details any longer (because like xWW, I have gotten pretty good at ignoring much of what my mother says). But, I called her to wish her happy Mother's Day and she steered the conversation to my divorce.

During the middle of the conversation, she was trying to convince me that I didn't fight hard enough during my divorce and that I should file a complaint against xWW to get more custody (my lawyer respectfully disagrees). By the end of the conversation, though, she was trying to convince me that I was appealing the judge's ruling because I am bitter and angry and I just want to punish xWW.

After I hung up with my mother, I called my girlfriend to vent. It took me about 5 minutes, but I eventually realized that my mother's descriptions of me were inconsistent with each other (meaning, she was trying to claim that I was both a doormat and a vindictive asshole). Once I figured that out, I was fine again.

The reality is that I am neither a doormat nor a vindictive asshole. I am pursuing the appeal because my attorney has strongly encouraged me to do so. Her current estimate is that it'll cost me $5000-$7500 for a full appeal... and I am trying to reduce alimony payments that will exceed more than $35,000. So, financially, it's reasonable to do.

That said, I seriously considered not filing the appeal simply because I'm exhausted from the divorce and there are bigger costs to me than the money.

I know what you mean about real versus imagined. I think the cruelest thing is that as a betrayed spouse cheating and betrayal get "normalized" through this crazy narrative the betraying spouse drives to justify their actions.

The narrative is along the lines of you deserve to have been treated that way, or this is not what you think it is, or you are the crazy one or what you are saying is just "hearsay." My XWH denied he was having an affair with OW even as he spent weekends with her and their photos were on Facebook. Having that third person recognize that you were gaslighted and lied to is key. I wish more family and friends would do that -- acknowledge the deception, your pain and betrayal in real time as it is happening.

I wish more family and friends would do that -- acknowledge the deception, your pain and betrayal in real time as it is happening.

I agree.

My GF and I call it "Real or Not Real", which is the "game" that the characters played with each other in the third book of the Hunger Games series (they might have done this in the movie too... I didn't see it).

Still reading through because I find myself in about the same spot and struggling. So thanks for posting Barcher.

I still find myself struggling with recognizing what is real versus what is not real

This always reminds me of the Hunger Games where Peeta has to ask, "real or not real".

and I'm trying to figure this out too:

we don't typically date who is good for us... instead, we date what feels comfortable.

and I'm trying to figure this out too:

Maybe take a look at other people to get a better understanding of this?

The "model" that I have been taught in therapy is that our parents model romantic relationships for us (this assumes heterosexual people, binary genders, etc. I don't know how it works for non-straight, non-binary people). So, we all tend to date the personality of the opposite gendered parent.

For example, women who have dad who beat their wives... tend to marry violent guys because that's what feels normal for them. My neighbor has 4 daughters and they all have married guys who beat them up. I am now VERY suspicious of him.

Another example is that my brother and I have both dated/married raging narcissists. I prefer the covert versions, but he goes for the overt narcissists. My mother is an overt narcissist, big surprise?

Thanks Barcher. I am trying to remodel the FOO aspects for my kids.

Hey, the alienation thing. I can't help but wonder if it isn't more a division of labor issue in your case. You were the main provider. You can't wear all the hats until you are forced to wear all the hats?

My kids all went through a time of grieving and adjustment. My daughter didn't live with me for the first 4 months because I wouldn't capitulate to her demands. A couple of months ago she (DD19) started living with me full time, although she has started splitting time 50% again just recently. And she came to visit me at lunch yesterday. Keep at it, you get to determine the relationship that you want with your kids now without interference. It will be OK.

Hey, the alienation thing. I can't help but wonder if it isn't more a division of labor issue in your case. You were the main provider. You can't wear all the hats until you are forced to wear all the hats?

No, it's definitely not a division of labor thing. And you'd like to think that I couldn't wear all of the hats, but I sure as hell did try. The gist of my therapy is that it is for people who literally work so hard that they drive themselves into burnout/depression.

Indeed, there was minimal transition for me from married to separated/divorced because I was already doing all household duties on my own on a regular basis. She did more of some of them, but I did all of them on occasion. For example, outside of a half-dozen dishes, my cooking skills were rusty.

Also, the kids will literally parrot many of xWW's ideas, verbatim, as if they are facts rather than opinions. Such as, my mental health issues are permanent and cannot/will not ever get better. This one is difficult to argue because I really don't want to get into the details of my mental health issues with my kids.

Anyway, it's definitely parental alienation. xWW is a no good, rotten, very bad person. She was a very bad wife and her behavior got even worse during our divorce.