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Andi offered R, but the offer is only good for awhile.

She left a letter on my windshield last night and said she was ready to move on if I could not find my way back to the marriage and R. She said it was unfair to leave the NC open ended for too long while I figured things out. There was no date or period of time specific for me to decide but she said I needed to get off the fence soon.

I have no clue what I want to do at this point but I do miss Andi. I'm still NC with OW.

IC Monday.

Talk to your IC before you do anything.

Ask yourself, honestly, would someone who has your best interest in mind give you a time limit on healing solo? R does not need to be rushed. It doesn't have an expiration date when both spouses are committed. It's unfair for Andi to put you in this position when the best thing for you right now is time and space to sort yourself out. Proceed with caution.

Did you tell her you were going NC? For how long? She’s also betrayed. You guys are MHs. I really don’t get this advice to just ghost her. It’s a marriage, not an old sweater that you shrug out of. What’s the problem with telling her you need x amount of time- say 3-6 months - and you need NC in that time period? My H and I agreed to separate for a certain amount of time and then come back together.

Neko, I’m not sure I agree. Leaving NC open ended without communication can be just as avoidant as before and it’s entirely fair for AndI to say she’s uncomfortable with it. I think her note could have been phrased much better, however, because it sounds very manipulative to me.

I think a time period would be good. Work on yourself. Then if you come back together and she’s still unhealthy, you can see with clear eyes what your path is.

100% with leavinorbit.

If u has not communicated with her regarding NC and slept with OW...this looks like a typical cake eating WS situation.

A conversation HAS to be had regarding this..lack of communication and boundaries is why u are here. Selfish one-sided decisions is why u are here.

There needs to be communication regarding expectations here. U has already slept with OW. Can she now go and sleep with OM? Date? Are u divorcing? Is this a theraputic separation?

As previous poster said...this isn't simply a BS and WS situation. These are MH and it's different.

There is no rush but I do think setting some boundaries..

NC with APs

Therapy

And NC contact with each other for 6 weeks(or whatever therapist advixe) then check in

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:13 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

Neko, I’m not sure I agree. Leaving NC open ended without communication can be just as avoidant as before and it’s entirely fair for AndI to say she’s uncomfortable with it. I think her note could have been phrased much better, however, because it sounds very manipulative to me.

I didn't say anything about contact because I think MA needs to talk to his IC and decide what's best for him as my post suggests. However, I do think his IC is right that any continuation of the relationship right now is not a good idea. Any relationship for MA is a distraction from his healing. Especially one that the IC has identified as unhealthy for him. He's not in a good enough place to have a healthy relationship. He isn't ready for R. Not sure if you've followed his other posts but NC started with a new DDay and was further agitated by Andi minimizing her As so it's not clear if she's ready for R either if she's not comfortable wearing her WS hat.

If Andi wants to wait for him to heal himself first and then explore R, there's nothing wrong with that but that isn't the offer she's given him. Her letter pressures him to commit before he can heal. WS, BS, MH, doesn't matter. I don't think that's right and I would question someone who wanted me to commit to something as serious as R before I was ready to. I don't see this as radically different than any other case of a WS pressuring a BS to commit to R before they're ready to just because it's MH on MH.

Neko, I have followed his story. I don’t believe either of them is in a healthy place. I think that they both have had sustained trauma. My question is: what has been communicated by MAI re: his future steps? I would not blame him a bit for filing. My understanding of the Wayward forum is that we focus on the wayward posting and what they can control. From his posts, I see a lack of communication. I empathize with why that exists. He has said he asked for a break. She wants clarification on what that means. I think any other baggage she wants to attach to that want is her issue and not a part of his healing.

His work is the top priority. I think that owning his shit re: his behavior towards his wife is a part of that process. NOT a relationship with her, not a guaranteed outcome. He can set a healthy boundary instead of coming from reactivity or incomplete communication. If he talks to his IC (which I also recommend) and she says set the boundary or choose to file, both are totally valid choices IMO. I don’t see limbo as healthy.

Prissy, yes, exactly. 👏👏 I don’t think it’s black and white. Setting a boundary =/= commitment.

IMO it is different becuase the MH. How can it not be? He is having to reconcile a separation as a BS and a WH. His maladaptive coping skills as a WS have already dug a bigger hole by sleeping with OW within days of leaving. His anger, hurt and frustration as a BS is still there but now compounded by his wayward actions. Both have to heard, recognized and healed. As a BS,I do not have to deal with the emotional and mental fall out from sleeping with someone who is not my spouse.

He left the marriage after her additional disclosure...and ran straight to sex with OW....who has continued to interfere in there marriage since the affair.

This looks like a cake eater who never stopped sleeping with his OW. This isn't just a a BS...this a MH who's affair partner has had continued interaction with him after the affair ended and as soon as he left...he was in her bed.

No one is saying they need to R...bug he certainly needs to communicate. Cuz they certainly don't but come on...this situation right now...with no boundaries or communication is ripe for more trauma and pain.

It can really be as simple as " I am not sure of my feelings and how long this will take. During this time I will am focusing on myself. I am NC with OW and will not be dating/sleeping with anyone during this time. I also need to be NC with you as I so this work."

He doesn't have to commit to R. He doesn't have to tell her what to do. He needs to communicate HIS feelings and boundaries moving forward.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 1:46 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

Leaving, I did send Andi a text today that I needed more time and if she felt she needed to move on that it was a chance I had to take. I did tell her I missed her, which is true.

"He can set a healthy boundary instead of coming from reactivity or incomplete communication. If he talks to his IC (which I also recommend) and she says set the boundary or choose to file, both are totally valid choices IMO. I don’t see limbo as healthy."

My feeling exactly

P4L

"He left the marriage after her additional disclosure...and ran straight to sex with OW....who has continued to interfere in their marriage since the affair."

This is what I need to fix about ME, I get that I don't get it.

AND P4L, I don't see it as cake eating, I see it as being weak and broken. I'm trying to get it right. IC did mention last time that I was using OW as a crutch because I was scared to be without someone. And I am scared or being alone. I admit it, but I should not be guided by fear.

IC tonight.

Thanks all for the input.

Andi.....it MAY not be cake eating

But from lens of a BS....it certainly looks that way.

Glad you sent the text. Keep working on yourself. I hope Andi does the same.

Whatever the outcome for your marriage.. if you truly do the work you will be better for it.