SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 7 years since the initial D-Day. I lied for 5 years after I was caught. I trickle truthed, mixed lies with reality and gaslit my husband for years. After 5 years he finally knew everything but couldn't believe me. Why would he? You cannot drag someone through the hell I put him through and expect to be believed. A year ago I lied to my husband about work. I felt pressured so I mixed lies with reality again. That lie (not at all about infidelity) set our healing way back. That lie undid all of the work that had been done. I've read before in these forums that it's not the sexual infidelity that destroys the marriage, it's the lies. The destruction of my marriage is 100% because of my lies. Honesty is the only way forward. Our betrayed spouses deserved fidelity and we failed. You must give your BS the truth. Don't trickle truth or minimize. The only way forward is with honesty.

Sorry that you find yourself here again. How were things between the two of you before you lied again?

This is a good time to take some personal inventory. Dig a little and figure out why you think you lied at that point (not the superficial reason, the deeper reason), how it made you feel, both in that moment and afterward, and then make some sort of plan moving forward to correct that pattern of thinking.

Look, it's human to not want to get into trouble, there is nothing wrong with that feeling. It is also human nature to want to avoid feeling badly if we can. But folks like us, we typically have it ingrained into how we think, that urge to avoid conflict and blame at all costs. Often we'd rather live under a rock than face the sun. Undoing that programming takes a hell of a lot of effort. But it does get easier and easier over time.

Truth was one of the first things I worked on in my recovery. I decided to just be honest, no matter what. Yes, those jeans make your butt look huge. No, I didn't get my chores done because I was playing video games instead. Yes, I ate the last cookie. Whatever it was, big or small, I made it my goal to try and stop "thinking about the right thing to say" and just blurting out the truth instead. After a while, it becomes a habit. You really can rewrite bad habits and thought patterns, it just takes effort and dedication and desire.

At the same time, I worked on my "whys" related to lying. For example, what about my own integrity? My own accountability? My own self-respect? My own need to not live with the burden of carrying lies? Of not having to make up stories to make myself look better to others? These, for me anyway, were not thoughts that existed "before". Before the affair, what and how people thought about me was everything. I needed to be loved, appreciated and accepted, and made to feel special every moment of every day. Now, I live for my own approval.

The point is, at some point, when the bad messages in our hearts and heads stop, and the new, healthy ones come in, then it will no longer be something you need to work on or think about doing, it will just be in your nature to be so.

I wish you luck, I hope things work out with your husband moving forward.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 11:50 AM, May 22nd (Saturday)]