SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, this is gonna come off really sexist and I'm sorry! I don't mean to generalize, juat ask a question: are there really an abundance of women only looking for sex who aren't cheating on someone? Here's why I ask:

I read something not that long ago that said when surveyed, women admitted that hook up culture was unsatisfying but it was expected. I'm paraphrasing, but it was like "73% of female respondents said they had negative feelings afterwards" and "81% of female respondents indicated that they hoped to find something long-term," etc. I am not saying that SOME WOMEN don't enjoy, for their own reasons, emotionless sex--they do! I am simply saying:

When the hook up culture was revealed, the females on Ashley Madison were overwhelmingly bots.

And the other women on there looking for sex are dysfunctional and married. And admitting it.

How do you feel about that, puffstuff--if you are still around on this thread? Does the other person's honesty concern you at all? Not judging, just curious. I find that I don't trust people. I always knew they'd lie to me, but now that I'm older I see that many people also lie to themselves. That always brings complications.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:35 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

That exact thought was why I started the dating a WS thread. It was not to ask would you date a WS, but how do you initially know you are not on a date with a WS?

Given what little I know of the hookup culture it seems like eventually you will end up sleeping with someone who is already in a relationship and unknowingly becoming the other person.

Lying to yourself is the start of any good dysfunction!

Lying to yourself is the start of any good dysfunction

!

This is a great tagline for a SI profile. It's also great fortune cookie fortune.

And I believe OIN is onto something...

How do you know anyone you're chatting to that you're interested in is not single?

As for people feeling bad afterward - is it any suprise, what with the puritanical hang overs that we have? About how women should behave? How men should behave?

We have to make choices - if you want to do something, and there is someone else who wants to do the same, and you both feel safe, and you both act in a safe, adult way - then, gasp, it can be enjoyed, no? It's as simple as that. It's the sexual act being expressed - all the other layers we put on top of that is up to us, no?

but yes, i agree, we should try and find as much evidence as possible that casual sex is a big bad terrible thign that will destroy us all!

I have no desire to make this a long term thing. But havve I had some great nights? sure. do i feel the people i met have been damaged in some way? not as far as I can tell.

sex, relationships, (life itself), all carries risk - you have to make a move sometimes. i am glad that afte a 9 year marriage i have been lucky enough to experience a small variety of sexual encounters. hell yes. that makes me feel good, as if i have experienced some wonder and excitment in my life between relationships.

i wouldn't want to see: marriage ended. long barren single period. next relationship. you have to convince me that that is a better option than being (and wanting to be) single but being open to casual encounters.

we are all different!

.

[This message edited by puffstuff at 5:57 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

remember my profile states somethign along the lines of "recently divorced, not looking for anything serious. want to stay single but would enjoy the odd night of company.

and i think many people (i certainly was) would be suprised how many women (some on this thread for example), especially those who are not long split/or who are about to go travelling/in town for a few nights/or want to focus on other things/ want exactly the same.

the key, as someone said, is total honesty.

its not a case of "hey lets fuck". there is a dynamic at play and sometimes stars align.

[This message edited by puffstuff at 5:59 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

owning it, i would never visit ashley madison.

it's designed for cheaters, no?

"I am not saying that SOME WOMEN don't enjoy, for their own reasons, emotionless sex"

who was saying it's emotionless? for the 5 hook ups i've been on in 2 years, not a single one was without connection. infact, we often deeply connected.

otherwise we wouldn't have had sex.

it's a date still!

the key, as someone said, is total honesty.

Well, I guess that's what I was asking. If it is honest on their part?

The Ashley Madison reference/story was that they did not have enough women for all the men that signed up. Yes, it was for cheaters. But they STILL couldn't get nearly as many women as they were getting men, even as cheaters. It still wasn't even between males/females so they had bots posing as interested women. You could say that maybe men want to cheat more, but maybe it's that men are into no strings sex more? My understanding from what I have read is that it's the same with dating (like the original Tinder goal when it started). There aren't very many women looking for hook ups--some, but others are lying to themselves or lying to you.

Reading this and seeing this, I can't help but assume that you are having these hook ups with married women. Otherwise, these interested single women would most likely not contact you at all because they are ultimately looking for a relationship, says that study I read, even if they are hooking up along the way.

I don't have an answer. Just wondering if it has crossed your mind that all of these women you are hooking up with might be married???

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:59 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

I know a guy who is a bs. Broken hearted big time. Did what you are doing. Got tired of it. Met a woman the old fashioned way, they were introduced by friends, got married, and is very happy.

What you are doing is emotionally rinsing the dirt off from your pain and when you feel cleansed enough you will know.

Just remembered reading a blog years ago by a man whose wife was just not into him anymore but drug her feet about ending their marriage. She told him to enjoy having sex with other women. He ran with it but, sure enough, one of those women became someone special. At that point he got a divorce and decided he was happy with just one person. Life is funny, sometimes.

Just be safe.

I get it, but I think you'd honestly be surprised how many women would like a great night of connection and intimacy without the idea of anything beyond that (I. E the second date) due to current circumstances. I just can't believe thay all of them are cheating. They have detailed profiles, links to their Instagram, etc, dozens of pics, etc. I think if you look into "hook up culture" you'd be surprised at how it is utilised across a vast swath of people. It's also a lead in to FWB. To friendships, and just literally having a date, sex or not.

I get the suspicion around it, but that can apply to anyone met for the first time.

As for it being a way possible to "heal myself", possibly, but also, equally, it is validating, exciting, interesting, and just damn hot to have stars align in such a way. It's an organised sexual dance lol. If you both feel connected, both fancy each other, both feel safe... It can feel like the stars align... But theres an agreement from the start that you walk away. There are conditions, hence the if at the start of the prior sentence.its not just turn up and do it (such as often is in the gay community). I've been on a few "hook ups" that don't end in sex because the drinks etc before didn't feel right.

Anyway just sounds like I'm trying to justify myself. I've had a good time, ready to move on, but I certainly don't regret engaging in this modern phenomena!

As my therapist said when I was rambling about dating again. She just said "you can be someone's boyfriend for one night, you know. You can have all the wonder and romance of a relationship, but just for one night". It's a mantra that has given me beautiful healing space and silence, whilst allowing long forgetton parts of myself to flower, occasionally, when the time is right.

Enuff from me.

Everyone's different!

I've had a good number of single female friends through the years who also enjoyed actual casual sex hookups. It isn't so uncommon. Now having a woman admit that to someone she isn't fairly close to is more uncommon because, you know, sluts and whores. I have known two women who always pretended they wanted to actually date just so the guy they want the casual hookup with doesn't think she's a whore.

I had many girlfriends call me up with "OMG you wouldn't believe how hot he was" and it wasn't followed up with "and I cried into my pillow when he left because I just know he isn't going to call me later". I dunno, maybe it's just that I was in an artsy/hippie/musician type crowd that didn't follow so many social norms.

I don't follow the logic that it's primarily married women who would want casual sex. I don't get that argument. What magical thing happens to a vagina when a woman is married to make her want the casual sex she would have hated when she was single?

As for Ashley Madison...who knows? I don't know why there are more men than women on that particular site. Do they charge money? Because if they charge money, it's a lot easier for someone to use a free site.

What is it about a woman wanting casual sex that is in any way dysfunctional? The sex drive exists in men and women. We can all look at someone and go "whoo...hot". I get it if there's a religious objection to it. Then just don't do it. If you or the one you want is in a relationship, just don't do it. But if there's no cheating involved and you don't have a religion that prohibits it and everyone is human and of legal age, why is a woman following her sex drive dysfunctional? Men don't hear this about casual sex. Men hear that they should want it even when they don't. We let society tell us who we are supposed to be and feel wrong when we don't fit into these roles.

I have been surprised at how actually wonderful it has been. The whole dance of it. The flirting, the tension, the honesty about "feeling lonely", "just wanting company". It's transactional but the transaction itself opens up huge areas of energy and connection. People have images of broken folk, in dingy rooms, with someone being left hurt. NOT my experience at all. Perhaps it would get that way. But in fact it felt like a totally valid way to have a great night. So much better than empty promises, will sbe/won't she call me. Its the whole play of romance and possibly sex just with conditions stated before it actually happens.

Certainly not for 3veryone, certainly not somethong to take up as an endless lifestyle (I'm ready to move past it), but just touched by how lovely it has been and how unseedy it actually felt.

Oh easy to say as a man I hear you cry. But trust me the women involved new exactly what they wanted and I didn't have to convince them to match my needs. It's a uniquely modern thing, I think, and the shame and conditioning around it is intense.

How do you know anyone you're chatting to that you're interested in is not single?

Short answer, you don't. That determination likely requires more time than you are going to have in a hookup date.

Do you actually ask if they are single/not in relationship or is your assumption they are single and available? If they say yes they are single is that enough for you or do you try to verify if they are actually telling the truth? I assume there is not much of either, because that would be too serious and potentially break the mood.

I completely get this is casual and just makes you feel good, but the real question for me is how do you know you have not inadvertently become the other person? Especially given a wayward spouse engaged in this behavior is likely to have no problem lying to get what they want.

If this all just works for you, fine, no need to answer or justify anything. I'm just asking questions I consider relevant.

Well said deveatated dee, a lot of stuff around sex is so proscribed. Huge swaths of it not, but some of it. Sexual shame is a real thing (ironically leading to it coming out sideways).

Did I think the women were sluts? Jesus, no. Deeply attractive because I didn't feel manipulated, an openness "we both want this - let's see if we can get there though connection, laughter and romance" instead of "I don't want that until you make it so that I want it". There's nothing more isolating for a man to feel like he's on some kind of job interview. Most just give up.

I completely get this is casual and just makes you feel good, but the real question for me is how do you know you have not inadvertently become the other person? Especially given a wayward spouse engaged in this behavior is likely to have no problem lying to get what they want.

I inadvertently became an OW once. Had I understood infidelity back then, I'd have told his wife. After that, I googled everyone before the date. Sure, I might not see a girlfriend, but I'd find out if that person was married.

No one should have casual Sexual encounters incase the person is cheating.

Don't compute sorry.

Did I think the women were sluts? Jesus, no. Deeply attractive because I didn't feel manipulated, an openness "we both want this - let's see if we can get there though connection, laughter and romance" instead of "I don't want that until you make it so that I want it". There's nothing more isolating for a man to feel like he's on some kind of job interview. Most just give up.

I've often thought of how exhausting that must feel for men. It's so much easier to just be two human beings getting to know each other whether it's for a casual hookup or a date leading to a serious relationship.