SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Background

Last April, I got into a car accident. At the end of May, I went to a massage parlour to ease some pain. I found that I enjoyed getting massages and began going for three consecutive weeks. I wasn’t going for pain at this point, but instead I went for the relaxation it gave me. My wife knew that I was going and I felt that what I was doing was above board.

Two weeks ago, I called to book an appointment. My masseuse I liked wasn’t in, so I chose to go to the next closest parlour. Their website stated they had registered masseuses and I went there instead. Everything felt right until midway through my massage. The masseuse asked if I wanted any extra services. I then made the dumbest decision of my life and said yes. I received a HE and officially became a cheater/WS.

The following three days I began lying to my wife. My thought process was that because it was so quick, I could treat it like a dream and that it never happened. After reading tons of internet articles, I determined that I shouldn’t tell my wife. My justification was that I was confident that it was one-time thing and that it was wrong of me to transfer my extreme guilt onto my wife.

After the three days of justifying, I knew I had to tell her. If I was to spend the rest of my life with her, I had to be truthful. I also felt like I was going to explode. I sat her down the next morning and told her 90% of the truth. I mulled over my omissions throughout the day and sat her down again the next morning to tell her 100% of the truth. I have a ton of regrets on how I handled those three days and am doing my best to accept how I handled it.

Aftermath:

My wife was extremely angry after the second conversation. After this conversation, the anger subsided and turned into hurt. We want to be around each other all of the time now, as we both hate being alone. I’ll talk about myself in a second. My wife doesn’t want to give up on us too soon. We’ve gone over in detail what happened multiple times and I’ve given her 100% of the truth each time. She still thinks I’m hiding something and I definitely understand why. She has told her IC, sister and BF what happened, however she doesn’t want anyone else knowing. I actually fear posting this as I feel like even though I’m sharing anonymously that I still am betraying that request. She still loves me and believes we can get through this. I am so extremely fortunate and undeserving of this.

As for me, there is nothing on this planet I want to do more than be the best possible partner going forward. My wife has currently given us a second chance and I will do anything to help repair us. I have had one in person IC session and will be doing weekly sessions for the foreseeable future. I am also doing online IC sessions through an app. I had smoked cannabis everyday for three years and have since quit permanently. My wife and I have discussed other areas of our marriage I have failed and it is my life’s mission to correct these now and going forward. I feel like I’m doing all of the right things after my I told her the full truth. I fear, however, that it is too late.

My #1 goal currently is to support my wife through her healing process. It is sometimes extremely hard to do so because I currently hate myself. My wife, with the amazing heart she has, is actually worried about me. It makes me hate myself more. I feel so undeserving of this love. My anxiety has caused me physical stress where I rarely eat (I have to force myself) and my stomach is constantly on fire (anxiety/guilt/shame). 90% of the time I think about my failures and while I believe this is a good thing (to reinforce further that I’ll never be unfaithful again), it’s paralyzing. And I know that if I’m struggling this hard, I can only imagine what my wife is going through. It sickens me that I am putting her through this.

That leads us to now. I don’t really know why I made this post. I’d love to hear advice on what else I can do to reconcile us. Perhaps I’m looking for confirmation that life may get better with time. I think I’m posting because I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done and by writing this down I can organize my thoughts. Either way, I will be telling my wife about this post (100% honest and transparent about my actions going forward) and she may want me to take this down. Thank you for reading.

[This message edited by Fisher at 12:49 PM, June 25th (Friday)]

Your number one goal should be to do the work,to become a safe partner, while also helping your wife.

Have you been tested for stds? Both of you need to do so.

Schedule a polygraph. Set up the appointment, and have your wife pick the questions. That will help ease her mind some.

Thanks for advice. Highly unlikely on the STI as it was a HJ with protection, however better safe than sorry. And great idea on polygraph. I will bring this up to her tonight. The re-assurance will likely be a massive help.

Both of you get tested for STDs ASAP. And please, go for the recommended follow up testings they recommend.

If your BW wants a polygraph by all means set it up.

Please - if you've left out any detail [keeping in mind no detail is too small] please come clean about it. (I don't mean to imply you have, but as a BS with a few DDays, I feel compelled to say that).

If your BW wants to report that place to your state and/or local boards for the inappropriate behavior - support her.

Please, get some IC for yourself. Find out what within yourself allowed you to make that "dumbest decision" of your life and work on fixing it. If you don't know a good IC can help you figure it out.

Thanks for the response. I will definitely have the STD discussion with the wife tonight. Highly doubtful there is one based on the service and protection, however stranger things have happened. Might also reassure her that I didn’t do any additional services.

Looks like polygraphs are quite expensive. I’ll definitely bring it up and if she wants it then we will do it. I don’t want money to be a major concern in this.

I’ve got an IC, both in person and online. In person we are focusing on what led me to my massive mistake. Online IC seems focused on the healing process and what my role is on hers.

My WS did the same as you, but did not tell me after the first time and kept going back for over a year. You have a lot going for you in my opinion because 1) you confessed 2) it was "only" one time. I do NOT mean these things to diminish your wife's pain. I feel for her. It hurts so badly.

You have GOT to tell her 100% of everything and EVERY single incident of infidelity. You need to be 100% honest about how many times you went and exactly what happened.

Looks like polygraphs are quite expensive. I’ll definitely bring it up and if she wants it then we will do it. I don’t want money to be a major concern in this.

Nope. Figure it out.

I had smoked cannabis everyday

Use the money you were using to buy pot, and put it towards a polygraph.

You keep saying it was a handjob, and seem to lean towards std testing isn't necessary, but you will if she wants.

Here's the thing...cheaters lie. A lot. She has NO reason to believe anything you say.

That's why we are telling you to get tested,and get a polygraph. Don't ask her if she wants these things done. Be proactive. Do these things, because they will help her in her healing,even if she doesn't think they will right now. She is in shock,and traumatized.

The WS who are proactive have a much better chance at reconciliation than those who continuously ask the BS what they should do.

Stop putting it on her. Be proactive.

Show your wife this site and encourage her to sign up and post. She needs support.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:20 PM, June 25th (Friday)]

The WS who are proactive have a much better chance at reconciliation than those who continuously ask the BS what they should do.

^^^^^^very important! Do everything, do extra things. Get an STD test and a poly and do it all before she can ask. Read books, talk to her about what you are reading. What you do now is CRITICALLY important. I am likely going to end up leaving my WS and it isn't even because of the damn cheating, but because of the hell I was put threw in the days, weeks & month after I found out he had cheated. You have caused your wife trauma.

Two weeks ago, I called to book an appointment. My masseuse I liked wasn’t in, so I chose to go to the next closest parlour.

Why didn't you choose a masseuse at the same parlor? Why did you go someplace else?

Excellent thanks all.

Sure thing on the polygraph and proactive-ness. I see the merit in the test and will gladly set it up. Perhaps you could help clear this conflict up for me though? My therapist kept re-affirming that my role is to support my wife’s healing process, not control or do the healing for her. Do you think I’d be violating this by being proactive? I feel like supporting is bringing the option to her and letting her decide, rather than me going ahead and making the decision. Not avoiding. Just looking to do the right or correct thing.

I’ve told my wife about this site last week after I told her everything. She shut it down hard. I doubt there is harm in informing her again though. I will be telling her about my post when I see her later anyway.

Thanks for the response. I will definitely have the STD discussion with the wife tonight. Highly doubtful there is one based on the service and protection, however stranger things have happened. Might also reassure her that I didn’t do any additional services.

I will just be honest that the only reassurance for me after testing was "well at least this idiot didn't give me a disease". Testing did nothing to reassure me that my WH hadn't done more, and was honestly somewhat embarrassing.

I only point this out to say be careful with claiming something should/could be reassuring to her because she may have a much different perspective.

Something like getting tested you can do on your own. I don't think it's controlling in the least.

Something like a poly is best offered, IMO. If you do it on your own, you control the questions, which taints the test. If your W wants a poly, I reco that you ask how you can help. Does she want to select the examiner? the date? Let her consult with the examiner on the questions.

My w bugged the hell out of me at first by assuming she knew what I wanted. She'd look at me and decide I needed a hug and force one on me. In fact, she was acting on her need, not mine.

I urge you to ask your W what she wants. If you want to offer some sort of support or love, ask her if she wants it. (It would have been fine if my W had said, 'I'd like to hug you. Will you accept a hug?')

And ask for what you want, directly.

Absolutely I caused her trauma. It pains me deeply that I caused that much hurt and I can only imagine how much worse she feels.

I went to the other masseuse because my wife told me to. Not blaming her at all as the infidelity was 100% my fault. I had told her my masseuse wasn’t in and she recommended I try another registered massage place. Googled it and that was one that came up. It said registered massage on the website.

Thanks for the advice on the STD assurance. I won’t bring that up in our conversation then.

The advice is great everyone. I’m looking to avoid making any mistakes going forward. I will gladly be proactive on the polygraph and other healing. Just want to make sure I’m not overstepping my support role in her healing.

You are supporting your wife's healing process, by being transparent, and giving her the knowledge that she has the entire truth from the beginning.

Yes, she will have to heal herself. But there are a lot of things you can do to aid her in that. Being proactive, transparent, honest, not being defensive. Remove any possible triggers(throw away any clothing you wore during these massages..never get another massage again..etc.)

Thanks Sisoon. I agree with you. My therapist was saying that her healing needs are dynamic and can change each day. It’s my job to check in with what she needs. Yesterday was a good example. She came home upset and wanted nothing to do with me. I gave her space and cleaned the house. Felt like I was helping her healing indirectly while giving her what she needed. She then came to me later wanting to be with me. It felt like I was doing the right thing.

Fisher,

You need to take stock in what led you to where you are.

Waywards cheat for a variety of reasons. But we all have reasons. Around here we clal it 'figuring out our Why's'.

This is really important for you to understand why you cheated (And yes a a handjob at a rub'n'tug counts the same as an emotional affair, or a full on physical affair when it comes to destroying the marriage).

Getting to your Why's isn't always simple or fast, but I can tell you if you take the time to really open up and peer the dark corners of yourself you will start to understand, and in turn become a 'safe partner'.

Right now though, you can look up the first pinned post on the Wayward Side forum. It may help you a bit in the coming days.

Thanks MrClean.

Exploring what led me down this path is my main focus with my in person therapist. We’ve only had the one session so far, however it’s clear this wasn’t just an impulse decision like I had initially thought. I hadn’t been a good husband for the last year, as I was consuming myself with work and school. While I hadn’t cheated until recently, I certainly had some major flaws on where my priorities were. I’m extremely determined to not have this happen again, the cheating and wayward priorities.

And absolutely. What I did was cheating. I was unfaithful in my marriage. Doesn’t matter what the sexual act itself was.

Thank you all for the advice. I fear my wife will not want me to have this post public, even if anonymous. She feels immense shame and I do not blame her at all. If she wants me to take this down, I must respect her wishes.

Update:

My wife is the most resilient person I have ever known. She’s hurting and still loves and wants to be with me. Our communication has been fantastic and is really helping our relationship. She turned down the polygraph a couple times, stating that she trusts me. She actually said the polygraph would be selfish of me to do. I personally can’t believe she is still standing through all of this and other events going on in her life. There’s lots of pain in her that will take time to heal (if ever). All I want to do is help her heart heal as if anyone in this world deserves to be happy, it’s her.

Unfortunately, that leads to me. I am a total wreck. I have developed physical and emotional anxiety. My mind is always racing, replaying the thoughts that got us here over and over. I’m obsessing and it’s driving me nuts. Last night, I woke up with tremors as the lower half of my body was violently shaking. My wife, who has trained with DBT for years, helped me out and calmed me down. As great as her help was, my mind races to being upset with myself. “She should be the one in distress and I should be the one helping her”. I am trying my best to keep putting one foot forward, however I’m collapsing under the anxiety. I’ve got my in person IC Tuesday which I would love to cover coping skills. I want to be somewhat functional so I can focus on my wife. I truly don’t deserve her.

Perhaps the wildest part of all of this is that my view of marriage has completely changed. Prior to the infidelity, I was constantly told what a great husband/person I was. I clearly took it all for granted. I got complacent and focused myself into work and school, rather than actually being a good husband. I always thought I was the strong one, the rock in the relationship. Holy was I ever wrong. I hate myself for not truly realizing what I had in a partner until after my infidelity. I took so much for granted and it bothers me to no end that it took me shattering her heart to recognize it. There is no doubt in our minds that I am going to be a better husband/person out of this (if I can get through my anxiety/ideations). I’ll forever be asking myself why did this have to happen for me to realize what I had all along.

Finally, I did get that STI test. No news so far (which is good news). I’ve got my two therapists (one online, one in person) and both are very helpful. I’ll eventually just have the one therapist and do a DBT class on the side. I haven’t pinpointed the “why” for my unfaithfulness yet. That is something my in person therapist and I are working on. My main focus in the short-term is to manage my newfound anxiety.There’s still a ton of work to do to reconcile, however I’ve got the perfect partner to help get us there.