SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

yes, i know - gross. horrible.

but the annoying thing is that it was just a flash of nastiness in an other very normal guy. but it was a horrible, disgusting thing to say.

Yes, being firm with our boundaries will over time weed these people out, but it may require significant time to weed out the skilled ones. Which unfortunately tend to be the worst in the long run.

You are absolutely correct. For one who’s honest and upfront, ten will lie by omission. It is objectively impossible to weed all the cheaters out, all we can do is trust our instinct! Which is not infallible but definitely more finely tuned than the one of people who haven’t been cheated on.

Unfortunately for me, whilst I appreciate the honesty, this is not a redeeming factor: I physically just can’t do it. The guy in question slipped it in with such nonchalance, he could have been talking about the weather. When quizzed about it, he started talking about feeling neglected and that’s when I properly shut down. To be perfectly honest with you, even if he had shown genuine remorse, I still couldn’t have done it, but his clear lack of it accelerated the process for me. And yes, I do think he noticed the sudden change in me, but it would have been hard not to

Bleep, men in small groups have been known to be "poetic" with their words so while your assessment is likely 100% correct their is also a chance it was just inappropriate bravado. Given puffstuff in general enjoys being with this person I still believe it is worth digging a little deeper instead of recommending he just flush this person as a friend based on a single comment.

puffstuff, feel free to treat my previous questions as rhetorical, but I was interested in hearing your answers/comments.

Karma, I don't play poker and it's not because I don't understand the strategies, etc. so I completely understand! Maybe the best response in a situation like that is to thank them for their honesty and say given your past experience with cheating you are not in a place where you can have a relationship with them. Yes, I know it completely ignoring the fact he appeared to have no remorse, but it's not like you need more than "it's not going to work for me."

men in small groups have been known to be "poetic" with their words

This made me laugh. Fair enough. (the wife part, not the escorts. That part is still gross).

but the annoying thing is that it was just a flash of nastiness in an other very normal guy.

And this is what scares me about dating in general. People like this are everywhere, but their real selves are snakes in the grass.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:19 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

It's also this subset who seems particularly good at deceiving others so how do you even know they are a WS? They are likely not going to tell you. They are going to act totally different to win you over and then over time the real person they are slowly leaks out.

I've not dated in over 6 years (am in a committed relationship with someone who has not cheated) but when I was dating (over 60 first dates) I was *shocked* at how many people would straight out admit their cheating. They always had a reason - BS only liked plain vanilla sex, they were out of town, drifted apart, etc.

It seemed to come out when we were talking about other things - I think if you accusingly ask "Have you ever cheated on a long-term partner?" the cheater might straight out lie. But as they obviously didn't see anything wrong with cheating, so many of them feel like you will empathize with them when they give their reason for cheating if it just comes up in conversation.

It's not fool proof, but definitely helped me avoid some bad relationships, as I am firmly in the not dating a cheater, no matter how former they claim to be.

I like this! Don't mention cheating being a deal breaker in your profile or in person and just wait for them to get comfortable and spill the beans. Heck you could almost say a few statements to make them feel comfortable, but that's a double edged sword since someone who was actually cheated on could respond badly to such comments.

You also still have someone like my ex who rewrote things to where I was the one who had an affair and I know she would never admit she did anything wrong in our marriage. In her mind everything was my fault, but that right there is a red flag.

I would not. Nor would I date someone with a history of addiction. This is completely coloured by my own history with my ex husband, but for ME I could not date either of those.

I have never, nor would ever, cheat in a relationship. Would never cross my mind and I've been in situations that could have easily led to me cheating. But I hold myself to higher standards than that and could never date someone that gave themselves permission to fuck a relationship over for some strange.

I dated a lot the past 3 yrs. One guy I had a few dates with ended up being married (I saw a marriage ring tanline, idiot). Anyone that admitted to cheating didn't get another date. Yes, we can all grow and learn but I don't have to be part of that for someone. I want a relationship with someone that has good boundaries. Are there liars? Yep. But like everything in life I do my best to avoid them.

My boyfriend had a marriage much like mine (addiction issues in his exwife). Both of our ex's cheated on us, but we were both faithful in our marriages despite all that. THAT is kind of man I wanted and got. The kind that NO MATTER WHAT would never hurt someone like that.

But to each their own - we are all responsible for our own choices. And if we get cheated on again, it's still not our fault <3