SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

Thank you for sharing so openly and being understanding with one another. It's been comforting for me. I am 3-weeks or so post DDay as a W partner (not yet married), we're both in our mid-20s. After several months of online sex work that I absolutely did not enjoy, but that I knowingly did not get consent from my partner to do.

I shared with him, have cut contact with all of the people and platforms I was spending time with, got a new traditional job, and am looking to be in therapy again.

I'm absolutely crushed that I did this to him. Our relationship is a little less than 2 years old. All I think about every day is how I can help to make this better for him and how I can possibly atone for myself.

I've always been more of the messed up one in our relationship- he's pretty healthy and happy, meanwhile I've had my issues with substance abuse, eating disorders, depression and attempts, and now SLAA. I've always wondered and even asked him if it would be easier to be with someone "normal". Now I think that is completely true.

I feel like I owe him so, so much to even begin to make up for what I've done to him, and I plan on doing that, if he lets me. I don't even expect to be in a relationship anymore, but if he still needs me there to process, do the work, and hold myself accountable to him, I'll do it for as long as he needs.

I'm studying to be in a helping profession, where I will care for others and counsel them, and I can't believe the way I've just harmed someone. It scares and disgusts me. I've never known myself to be capable of serious harm like this.

It's really hard for me not to sink into my vices- abusing substances, not eating, withdrawing, all as punishment and simply because I can't bring myself to enjoy life anymore. But I'm going to do my best to get through it and be strong because my B needs it and it's what he deserves.

Any thoughts, or insights, would be appreciated. WSs what do you wish you had known or done differently this early after DDay? BSs, what do you wish you would have had at this time?

Thank you everyone very much. I look forward to being a part of this community.

I think you have a lot to unpack here, and much of it is more about your FOO and your addiction issues. Of course, it's all intertwined with the decisions you made and the betrayal of your partner.

What has he told you as far as how he is feeling and how he feels about your actions, as well as your FOO and issues?

I think here it's a case of needing to put on your own oxygen mask first. You can't be a stable and good partner without getting that stability within you (i.e. IC). I wish you a lot of luck in dealing with all of this--it certainly is a lot to sort through.

Cat

Hi Cat, thanks for the response. You're of course right that it's all intertwined.

I think he's feeling normal reactions of sadness, confusion, anger, and frustration.

Up until recently I had felt that I was doing a decent job of dealing with my issues, but now I see that that's nowhere close to being true. Maybe it's best to take time away and put all my effort and energy into becoming a safe, healthy person and partner.

Gently, the changes you write about are best done for yourself, not for someone else.

Your BSo can leave. If you've made changes to keep him around, your motivation leaves with him.

You have to decide that you are worth the effort. You ARE worth the effort - you just don;t realize it yet.

BTW, at least from the perspective of 10 years out, the biggest issue I have with what you've done is not talking about the sex work with your partner before seeking the job(s). That it was sex work is a problem, but the sneakiness is what kills relationships. Note that I'm one of the BSes who believe the lies hurt more than the sex. Your partner may be different.

Bottom line: I hope you heal yourself first, and I hope you keep working to heal yourself whether your WSo leaves or stays.

Thank you, sisoon. You're totally right, and I'm absolutely committed to healing and working through the tough stuff myself whether or not my partner decides to stay. I am obligated to help him heal (if and how he allows me to), but beyond that, I have a responsibility to myself to get better and to learn how to grow and never hurt myself or others this way ever again.

I never, ever want to feel this way again in my life.

From the perspective of a BS, what your doing is what I desire my WH to do. Want to figure out the "why's". He, I believe is in a stage where he doesn't want to face his demons, I only get it to an extent because I know it's scary. But that's making it really hard on me because how can I ever feel safe in our marriage if he doesn't do this work? So keep digging and digging until you get there and love yourself.

Hi Felix,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hopefully your WH is able to overcome the fear and vulnerability it takes to confront the whys head-on for you. I can understand why it would be daunting to face down, but you and I both know that you deserve that from him if you're ever to begin healing.

Hopefully he realizes that too and puts your needs above his.

Best wishes

After several months of online sex work that I absolutely did not enjoy, but that I knowingly did not get consent from my partner to do.

I shared with him, have cut contact with all of the people and platforms I was spending time with, got a new traditional job, and am looking to be in therapy again.

So you all were living together when this happened? And you, what, did this work during the day when he was gone for work or something?

I'm assuming one of these online platforms where you make yourself available to perform or something?

Did he catch you doing it, or did you voluntarily disclose?

Have you actually told him everything, no lies of omission, no minimizing?

Did any physical sex occur? If so, have you taken a full STD test to ensure you are clean?

You might consider writing down for him a detailed narrative timeline of everything that happened. Not a bare outline of one page.

You might consider reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. Not an affair, but still a betrayal here.

The best therapists are now those specializing in betrayal trauma for both your partner and you.

To understand the trauma your partner will now endure for years, you might read the book Cheating in a Nutshell.

H&H,

First thing is to get all the truth to your BH, do not lie by omission or minimize.

Trickle truth is murder on a betrayed spouse, although you may have done so, end it once and for all by spilling everything.

Don't take his silence as acceptance it may mean he just gave up.

Write out a detailed timeline and offer to get a polygraph.

Oops, not sure how to reply to individual posts here, but to Thumos- I disclosed. It was all online and not physical at all.

I'm looking into some books now. I was just reading some of The Body Keeps the Score about trauma to understand some of what he's going through. I'm hoping if he allows me, we can spend time together where I read to him from a book he connects with re: affairs or betrayal, and talk about it together.

We don't live together so we can re-integrate (should he allow that) slowly and on his own terms.

Hey survrus- timeline has been noted by many and is something I'm working on now.

He's actually the opposite of silent, which I worry about. I almost want to (once an appropriate amount of time has passed and I'm considered somewhat trustworthy again) contact his siblings and close friends to ask honestly what they think I should do.

I don't want to cause him further pain. Love isn't rational- I'm afraid he's choosing to overlook all of this to be with the person he loves, instead of moving on to live a happy life with a new person he can trust. We're young and unmarried with no commitments so I want what's best for him.

To be clear, I'm committed to whatever he wants and needs of me to heal- with no expectations of re-entering into a relationship- but at the same time, I feel like I need to protect him from hurt in the future, even if it means ending things so he can eventually love and trust again with someone new.

Does this make sense? I'm not trying to deny him agency or say that I don't trust myself to make things right- just that I know what he deserves and I don't want to be a barrier to that.

Out of curiosity, what compelled you to seek out 'online sex work'?

This could be a sticking point for your BBF, as I am sure there are other ways to make money.

Did any friends/acquaintences cajole you into this line of work? If so, they should be cut out of your life for good, whether you split or (especially) stay together.

Hey Rocket.

I'm not sure I have a good or honest answer for that yet. I know a lot of it had to do with my severe depression. at that time in my life I had failed out of school twice, was unable to hold "normal" jobs. I just felt I was so incompetent in so many ways, that it was not possible for me to be a normal functioning member of society. I was struggling with energy, addiction, just normal responsibilities.

So I did feel that sex work would allow me flexibility that conventional jobs wouldn't. There is an incredibly high rate of disabled people in online sex work for this reason.

I'm sure I can think of other reasons why this was my first choice- I have a history of placing my self-worth in my desirability and my sexual value, for example. I identify as a SLAA love addict, so the validation of that work fed that addiction.

It also just seemed like the best choice I had at the time. I had a lot of expenses and was really stressed about how to deal with them; this was something I was somewhat good at, could do well in; could often make a lot without investing a normal amount of time and energy into like I would for a conventional job.

I understand that not a lot of this is rational or healthy; my bf knows I am not a healthy person and have been quite a mess in the past. A big part of my identity has been that I felt I moved past that and was progressing in life, so it's devastating for me and shocking to him I'm sure to realize how untrue that is.

I hope that answers your questions.

Oh, one more thing Rocket- he was pretty clear that he didn't care about the work itself. It was just the deception and lack of transparency about it. Maybe that feeling will change in the future, but that's been his reaction so far.

H&H,

Thanks for answering, and it makes this a bit clearer.

Was asking as I was not sure if you were 'influenced' by others to do the online stuff, as that would have led to other actions to be taken (cutting them out of your life... forever).

As it is, it looks like you really need to look within yourself on the whys, and work on your self-validation mechanisms.

One way to keep yourself in check, is to ask yourself what would your SO think or how they would react, if you do certain things.

You have already mentioned that you get depressed, and hope that you are in treatment for it.

It was just the deception and lack of transparency about it. Maybe that feeling will change in the future, but that's been his reaction so far.

It usually is about the deception that breaks the camel's back. The betrayal is one thing, but the deception that goes along with it is the hand that shoves the knife in deeper.

Will it change? Highly unlikely. People have forgiven the betrayal itself, but the cut of the lies/deception leaves a deep scar in the trust.

So, what can you do about it? Work on being truthful, non-defensive, and have consistent actions. Note that it is the actions that will help regain trust, as words mean very little to a betrayed.

Hey Rocket,

Might have been a misunderstanding there- when I mentioned that it may change in the future I meant the fact that he seems ok with the acts I was involved in themselves, while not being ok with the lies and deception. As in, maybe he will re-evaluate someday and decide he is not comfortable with the idea that I ever engaged in that, whether or not I disclosed or not.

And yes. Unfortunately, I've always been good at lying to myself and others. I am going to have to interrogate that and break it down completely in me. I hope I will be a new person someday because of the work I start now. It is going to hurt a lot and be very hard. I'm worth it and so is my BS, even if he never forgives me or wants anything to do with me again. Anyone who I date afer him is worth it too.

Hi (((Hurt)))

I was just reading some of "The Body Keeps the Score" about trauma to understand some of what he's going through

I suspect this book is going to help you! Please read it all. If I what I think my be true (CSA) in your life this book will help you understand yourself, actions and addictions.

If you want to read something to understand him I would suggest a short book

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"

Then go and figure out how to become a radically honest person.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

Hi Organic,

Thank you kindly for the recommendation and words.

I am absolutely confident I wasn't a victim of CSA as a child, although it's very normal for people to expect that as a prerequisite for ending up in the industry I was in. Make no mistakes, I acknowledge completely that CSA can be a huge factor for that kind of work- I just know that wasn't me.

In fact, I think I inflicted damage upon *myself* as a child by finding porn at a young age. I suspect I will never know what that did to my psyche, nonetheless, it was not assault/abuse. Maybe neglect, if anything?

I am SO ready to be radically honest. I'm tired of who I am. I want to be an honest, good person someday, and getting there will be worth the hard journey ahead of me.