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Is it ok for the XWW to invite my family over to her new apartment? I feel like it is to legitimize her affair and show that my family accept what she has done. Am I being unreasonable? My family would say they are doing it for the kids and I get that but is it also confusing them? I'm not sure how I should handle it.

You need to put a hard stop to it right away. My exhusband and my parents stomped all over my feelings "for the kids" and that is just total bullshit. Your kids don't need their grandparents hanging with their mom.

If I could go back in time I would have put a hard boundary fast. If they wanted to be buddies with him I would cut them out of my life.

I got the "for the kids" shit as well as "if something were to happen to you we want a good relationship with him so we could continue to be the in kids' lives". It is bullshit. They need boundaries. Your feeling matter.

No, just no

The grandchildren and grandparents can meet IN ANY ITHER PLACE.

The WW does not need to see the grandparents at her “home”.

That’s a very firm HELL NO!

Yup, FUCK NO

No way in hell I’d take that shit.

For the kids is just cheater script.

If your family goes that’s a direct insult to you. Meaning her cheating on you didn’t bother them at all.

I would provide an ultimatum, if your family were to attend then any relationship they have with you would be forever changed and/or ended.

It would provide clarity to the situation and how they value you.

I know you haven't spoken since DD. Have you started speaking or has she contacted your family?

Did she maintain contact with them during this time? Are you included in this invitation?

I don't think this is appropriate in any case.

What is she trying to do? She can sell anyone any story she wants, but at least she should know that she can't do that to your family. I think she wants to make the "we both weren't happy" story believable, which she sells to others.

Besides, it's not good for kids either. You told them why you divorced. They shouldn't see that such behavior has no consequences.

Invite your family to do what? Check out the place? See where the kids are sleeping?

Or give your kids a birthday party?

Or throw a general party with you excluded?

The advice changes depending on the circumstances.

Well this all started last time my family visited. My EWW dropped in to get the kids and invited the family to see her new place. My family told me and I could see they were not too comfortable doing so. At the time I just shrugged it off.

They are coming again soon. I know they will get an invitation for lunch or something. The reason I am asking is because this time I feel a bit uncomfortable with it. I have not spoken or really had any contact with her since DD. I have heard through the kids that the MIL was slagging me off to people in the meantime.

I think that the EXWW can use the fact that my family visits her as a way to minimise her actions and blame me for the lack of communication since DD. I am glad that it is the general consensus from everyone because sometimes I think it maybe me overreacting. Your collective advise has kept me going through this ordeal.

I think that the EXWW can use the fact that my family visits her as a way to minimise her actions and blame me for the lack of communication since DD

Its also a way for her to have access to you via your parents. You know find out everything you are doing, seeing, feeling... and then feed it to MIL who might twist it out of proportion. I'd tell my parents that I didn't feel comfortable with them going over to her place but I also wouldn't want that to word it that way to the Ex.

So they went to see it. Did they tell you what happened there?

Probably they talked about ordinary things as if nothing had happened. This would bother me. In a sense, they justify her.

It must have been short last time, but this time lunch will be longer and will require conversation. You were the common point of their lives, and it would be strange if you weren't mentioned, if you were, than the real issues will have to be talked about. Weird.

What was XMIL saying? Are you considering doing anything against it?

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:56 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Well this all started last time my family visited. My EWW dropped in to get the kids and invited the family to see her new place. My family told me and I could see they were not too comfortable doing so. At the time I just shrugged it off.

You need a strict no contact policy. You don’t go into her home. She doesn’t come into yours.

The only contact you need are text or email about the kids. I know 3 who use this method and it works effectively.

Stop setting back and letting her drive the bus or she will.

As for your family they are for you or against you. There is no in between especially involving infidelity.

For your future no other woman that yo want a relationship is going to want an x in the mix. You can control your end.

Your family should clearly understand that you are NOT married anymore. She is no longer your wife. She treated you terribly and in a way that you could not forgive. She has shown herself to be a person of low morals who will betray the person who SHOULD mean the most to her in the world. Your family should understand that to continue a relationship with her will impact YOUR relationship with them, as you have cut her out of your completely (with the exception of your children). Their choice to interact with her is a reflection of their choices, and it would be disrespectful to you.

My family told me and I could see they were not too comfortable doing so.

They were uncomfortable telling you about it or visiting your XWW? Were they very close to her before the A? I'm curious if they have any reason to want to continue a friendship with your XWW.

My EXWW was never close to the family, although she used to turn on the charm when around them so everyone thought she was great. She used to criticise them to friends and her family.

I am going to ask my family to politely decline any invitations out of respect for me. They do not accept what she has done and I think they are genuinely trying to make the situation better for the kids.

I’m going to be asking for our version of alimony soon, but I have even being putting that off to avoid contact. It’s not going to be much however. In this country the higher earner pays. I am likely to be on a lower salary then her for the next couple of years before increasing quite a bit. This means that I will be liable in the future should she ask. Here is the dilemma, do I ask for it for the next couple years and risk her asking for it later assuming that she will or go without and risk her asking for money later.

Unrealized,

If you're confident your salary will be higher in the near future, perhaps you could (as part of a divorce settlement) stipulate no alimony for either party going forward. You could make it clear that if she does not agree, you can/will pursue alimony payments from her now. In the short term, that would be a good deal for her, so she may agree to it. You could even pitch it as a concession to make "a clean break" with no future financial obligations.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 1:41 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Is it ok for the XWW to invite my family over to her new apartment?

She can invite whosoever she chooses to visit her apartment.

Your family accepting her invitation is an entirely different matter. In my opinion they should do as you ask and not accept.

WRT your question on alimony that question is probably best asked of your attorney.

Where I am alimony is run by our equivalent of the IRS, attorneys don’t touch it. The only way you can claim is either by working it out yourselves or requesting the IRS to collect it. I don’t believe there is an opt out clause that can be signed. It is not backdated so if I don’t claim it now I can’t in the future say to the IRS she owes me for this period. She will be able to claim it in the future however simply by contacting the IRS. The risk of not claiming now isthat she does claim at a later date. Is it unusual for a WW to claim something even though the relationship is long gone?

Unrealized,

How long can she claim alimony? If its a limited term, perhaps you don't claim it now and hope she doesn't pursue it later - out of sight, out of mind. Do you expect the payments (near term to you, long term to her) to be significant?

I'm early on into a new career with average starting rates but massive jumps over time. She will also increase income over time too however. I like the out of sight out of mind principal but that is a risk. I don't think she will push for it later but I didn't in my worst nightmares expect her to cheat either. I guess the trust is just gone