SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not sure I am posting In the right Forum so I apologize. My divorce is final I have no regrets about that. My Spouse cheated and emotionally abused me for years and it become a very toxic relationship that needed to end. He lied and manipulated me for years. He recently made the relationship with the affair partner public. Anyway I should not of been surprised but I was. That relationship survived even when statistically it shouldn't of because of everything that happened. I stayed longer than I should of because I did not want that woman around my child. And it ended up happening anyway. I am angry at myself. I know I have no control. My question is how do any of you that have gone through this deal with the negative emotions that come with this person being around your child. If they cared about that child they would not of helped break up the home. I don't trust her. I hate her. She was an awful person to me as well. How is it fair that these two selfish people caused so much harm and now they get to be happy and they get to play family with my child every other weekend. It hurts. I am glad I don't have to deal with that cheater but now I have to deal with this. I just feel like I have to keep dealing with these awful feelings and I am tired of it.

I am so sorry you are going through that. It's the worst. In my own case, the OW was a family friend who was using DD (who was then 13) as a tool in the affair, texting her for information on my whereabouts, etc. As part of my MSA I had language written in that banned her from having any contact with DD. DD is about to turn 18 and wants the court order permanent and we're not sure how to make that happen. Yes, OW and XWH are still together after 5 years but their future seems bleak.

You didn't mention how old your kid is or if he or she is aware of OW's role in the break up of your family. DD was very clear in her awareness that OW betrayed our family and used her.

Studies show that typically children of infidelity feel that way about the affair partner and rarely change their feelings. DD and I laugh about the OW and how ridiculous she is. I don't criticize her XWH -- he's her dad, but the OW is different.

Also, it may seem like they are playing family with your kid on those weekends but I doubt it. Nothing can replace you, the mom, and relationships born out of affairs, studies show, have a diminished sense of commitment and an abundance of shame about the lies and deception that started their relationship. As time goes on and the allure wears off, the cracks will be more obvious. I take a lot of comfort in reading studies and articles about infidelity and how rare it is that these relationships last and, if it gets to marriage, usually end in divorce.

@fablegirl He is eight. He was not even two years old when I discovered the affair. He took him around her when he was 2/3. My son does not remember her from before. He knows me and his dad had problems and that he hurt me but he does not know specifics and I don’t think it would be the right thing to do even though I wish I could. I feel like he is small and I don’t want to cause anymore damage. I’m sure one day I will tell him the story of why his family separated. And his dad will have to deal with how he feels about him. For now I get to hear my son tell me what he did for the weekend and smile even if I am upset. I think that is why I feel more disappointed. I’ve also read so many articles/studies and I feel like they are beating the odds, for now at least. Thank you for the response it means so much. This is a hard spot to be in.

Your decision to take the high road is the right one. The problem with being a parent in the trauma of infidelity is you have to be like the stewardess on the plane during turbulence and put on a calm face in front of the passengers to assure them all is under control. Your child is the passenger looking at you. You are the only mom your son has and one day, when he's an adult, he will be able to process what happened to his family (or it won't matter as much to you when he does). By way of example, my mother cheated on my dad throughout their marriage until it finally broke down. I was too young to know but I did notice she was gone a lot and he was home with me. I try to acknowledge his pain now as a middleaged adult.

I feel your pain, my kids had to be around OW right after the D was final, bc their Dad wanted it that way.

Definitely smile when you hear about the things he did at his dads, you want the communication open. Plus it’s not always going to be a happy place over there. Your XH isn’t going to magically not have issues with his cheating OW. Plus, your xh might quit getting your son at some point and believe me it is excruciating to watch your child be hurt so deeply.

In my experience, do not tell his Dad anything your son tells you about what’s going on at his house.. It’s more important to keep the communication open with your child. If something REALLY serious happens there, then call your atty, but anything minor will end up with your child being told he didn’t see it like it was (gaslighting), and shaming him into not telling you anything. Eventually I got my kids a secret counselor at the DV center who really helped them stand up to their father in constructive ways. Others on SI say to call out the xh on issues, so if you start hearing of bs going on at the other house, post here bf contacting your xh .

I hated my kids being around OW. She and xh fight all the time now, but they are still together. After about age 12 my kids hardly went to see their Dad. They hated the fighting and their Dad was too busy traveling with OW to get them many times.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:12 AM, July 16th (Friday)]

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[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:10 AM, July 16th (Friday)]

I'm so sorry, that would drive me crazy.

Does your 8 year old volunteer info about his weekend? My 8 year old doesn't unless I ask. If yours is similar, try not asking. There's not much you can do about it, so it might just help you to limit information flow. Just greet him with I missed you, and I am so glad to see you, and then turn the topic to the coming week. He may want to share exciting things with you, and hopefully he will share anything that bothers him, but you don't need all the details.

My kids were 4 and 7 when their father left. As soon as the divorce was final, he married the OW. Marriage/relationship only lasted 5 yrs total, but it was awful when it lasted. I too tried to take the high road and had to comfort my DD when she realized she was never going to see her step mom and sister again.

@homewrecked2011 Thank you for reminding me that my XH is not going to magically not have any issues. I tend to think that they are so happy and everything is perfect. I hope he never stops getting my son and as much as I wish I never had to deal with him (XH) my son needs him in his life. I can’t even imagine how painful that is. I’m sorry

@annanew it does drive me crazy! My son volunteers the info sometimes but I have to admit I ask him when he doesn’t. I hate myself after. It never makes me feel good. Sometimes it hurts me so much I’m down for the next few days stuck in my own misery. But yes I am going to not ask no matter how curious I am. I need to protect my peace because I deserve it. I’m starting to believe I’m addicted to the pain. It sucks.

@million pieces I’m sorry that sounds hard also! All of this is just awful. I hate it.

On the not asking what they did at Dads-I was shocked when my kids told the counselor they didn’t like me asking what they did with Dad🤷🏻‍♀️. I thought I was being supportive.

And yes, my xwh and OW now wifetress look so happy in public. But she went to lunch with people and I person I know, but she doesn’t know I know (from pta years ago). This lady told me OW is miserable, and thinks my xwh is an idiot. Kinda explains why OW son and daughter moved out with their Dad, and my kids said ow was hitting their Dad, yelling at him, and locked. him out of his house!!!!!!😂 ( They left right away) (I asked no further questions, but I was dying .)

@homewrecked2011 Wow that is crazy! I’m sure that feels satisfying. I don’t wish people bad but in this situation it is well deserved. Crazy how they pretend to be happy. I’m sure they feel stupid or I hope they do for all the harm they caused others to be together. They stay in those relationships even if it sucks because they don’t want people to know that it did not work out……surprise surprise

My WXH 42 is still with OW 25. It sucks but she's so much better to the kids than he is so I don't mind too much in the grand scheme of things.

Definitely don't do what I did. My XWH married the OW . He was having an affair with her while I was pregnant. We divorced and the abuse continued. Crossing boundaries, gaslighting and rug sweeping. My daughter was told she couldn't say anything about what was happening over there to me. It was one of their rules. My daughter is 14 . She tried to commit suicide about a month or so ago. I caught her. After being discharged she stated she couldn't talk to her dad right now. Am getting her counseling as well as for myself. Now I am going to try a different way. More boundaries. No more bending over backwards to please them. They sure don't like it. I have an attorney and am going forward with getting mediation and if necessary the courts involved. Set hard boundaries. Make sure everything is on paper.These people are bad at boundaries I find. My ex has sent angry texts to me and continues to say cruel things to me. I am keeping all of it if it's necessary.

My daughter was 6 when my EXH left. The OW had been the wife of his best friend, so we did things together as family friends with her 3 kids, and the kids all knew each other.

At first it would bug me that she was with them every other weekend. EXH played wonder dad and they got to do all sorts of things I couldn't afford. OW would take them all shopping and buy things for everyone but my DD. I think it was because she resented that I was getting child support. But I had a hard fast rule of never bashing either of them in front of my DD.

Eventually those feelings subsided, and OW actually treated DD very well. I think in part because she learned I wasn't going to take the bait. It no longer served her to treat DD differently.

So 26 years later, they are still married and my DD is married and I have 2 beautiful grand kids. My EX decided to treat them all to a trip to Disney World. For the first time in a long time I felt that pang of resentment. OW was going to get to see my grandkids experience the magic of Disney World and I wouldn't be there. It was so unfair. They would get to have this wonderful time.

The reality was that by the 3rd day of the trip my DD and her usually completely passive husband were livid with my EXH. SIL almost came to blows with him. OW and EXH fought constantly, and the trip was a disaster. Sometimes we have to let go and let nature take it's course. Those selfish people are who they are and it comes to light eventually. And you son will see it more clearly than you think.

Charity411 thank you for posting this! ^^

@Bonetired I am so sorry you are going through that. I can’t even imagine. I hope things get better for you and your daughter. ❤️

@charity411 I feel the same way. My XH has been taking my son to fun places and doing things that we did together as a family. It feels so unfair. That should of been us. And you are right about letting nature take it’s course even if it doesn’t come as soon as I want it to. I am no longer suffering because of his cheating or treating me poorly but because of this and it just sucks.