SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As another kind person pointed out on my other topic in "Reconciliation", I am all over the place. I'm recognizing I'm in the FOG of abuse. I never wanted our marriage to end, period, or end up where it's at, but have to accept it has. I don't want him to leave, primarily because I set a boundary and said if he moved out, I was going NC and moving on, but I also want him to leave because I can't keep living in the limbo-hell. Just knowing he has this escape option / bachelor pad is super stressful.

The other issue is that I'm having a very tough time reconciling the last 8 months of him treating me like crap, not respecting me, carrying on an EA with his 20yo coworker, putting himself out as available on dating websites, etc...with this person who is emerging as he gets ready to move out now saying things like:
"I'm doing this to save our marriage"
"I still love you very much"
"I need time to heal myself but don't want to lose you"

There have been so many lies and omissions over the last couple months that I don't believe him - this is just gaslighting. He's telling me these things to justify his actions. I get that I have CPTSD from childhood neglect and codependent issues, but I don't believe I'm wrong to look at this as abandonment. He's leaving the stress of day-to-day living with me and his children for a nice condo on the riverfront. What goes on behind those doors becomes none of my business. It gives him privacy and he no longer has to be accountable to me for his actions.

As my friend just said, I need to get a backbone and decide what I want. As I sit here typing this out, I am realizing more and more how deep in the FOG I've been. I'm afraid of him leaving (FEAR of rejection / abandonment) and we are both mired in GUILT - I'm trying to guilt him into staying and working on things, while he is using guilt to lie / gaslight me into thinking he is only doing this for the marriage. I believe he is feeling guilt for the *true reason(s) he's leaving. The only way to stop this is to detach and disengage from the gaslighting.

I have to stop begging him to stay. I have to realize if he truly "loved" me, he wouldn't have told me he was leaving, pack ALL of his stuff, move it and then remain at the house with me the last 3 nights getting his jollys off watching me beg and plead and cry as I watch the person I loved and trusted the most in the world completely pull away. I don't understand why he wants to keep hurting me like this :( but I am also hurting myself continuing to engage.

Also, if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have engaged in the hurtful behaviors to begin with - or stopped when he realized he was hurting me instead of doubling down.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling, not just with your WH moving out and the loss of a marriage, but also the abusive road to this terrible day. It is a abuse, don't waffle or shy away from the reality of what you actually witness from him. For many the image we have made of our waywards and the actual ethical fiber and actions of our waywards do not comport. For me, it has been a very painful struggle to let go the idealized image of both the marriage and my wayward (my original hubris laden post was "The Best of All Marriages in Ruins". Really, "the best".... lol But that's how distorted my image was of my WW and our marriage. I really do believe post D-Day actions do the most to reveal how each particular wayward thinks, how important morality and ethics are to them, and what real value they place on their partners and the marriage. I wouldn't call it a prize, but at least as betrayed the waywards reveal a lot about themselves by how they treat us. Some of them just can't help it, they just can't hide their selfishness. But can we then base our actions on this information?

That is so very difficult. Lifting you up in my prayers.

That is so very difficult. Lifting you up in my prayers.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, respond, and your prayers.

...it has been a very painful struggle to let go the idealized image of both the marriage and my wayward

As our closest friends and family have found out about his behavior and our struggles, I've been floored to hear people say "I used you guys as a example of what kind of relationship I wanted", or "wow, y'all seemed like the perfect couple". Now personally, I never thought we had a perfect marriage or relationship. I let a lot of things go, like the amount of affection I really wanted / needed, to compromise and make the marriage work. But social media allowed us to put out the "perfect" image and I also didn't gripe too much about the bad stuff.

I really do believe post D-Day actions do the most to reveal how each particular wayward thinks, how important morality and ethics are to them, and what real value they place on their partners and the marriage.

Agreed - and his actions post dday have shown how selfish he truly is. His "friendship" with the 20yo female coworker was more important than working through or trying to show me that I was still the most important person in his life. He even said back in February / March that she was his "best friend". I get that he had a severely abusive childhood and I'm sure that has factored into all of this - but I also can't understand how someone who has been hurt and betrayed so thoroughly would want to do that to another person.

Do you want a person who wouldn’t do everything and anything to make up for the terrible choices he has made?

I’d only want someone who was trying to move heaven and earth to make me feel safe and wanted and loved.

He is doing nothing of the sort.

What you are doing is not working. It’s not getting you what your want. So stop doing it. Stop talking to him, go complete NC.

If he is still in the house ask him to leave today. Tell him you are done and he’s no longer welcome back.

If the only reason he is sticking around is because you are begging him to stay, then you honestly have nothing with him.

Maybe down the road he’ll realize what he threw away and start doing the right things. I doubt it but maybe.

If he does, my hope is you’ve grown a confidence in yourself and moved on from the lousy husband he has been.

I wish I could talk to these young women who get caught up with these middle-age men. They think it’s so glamorous. I’m here to tell you it’s not. Just off the top of my head I can think of two women who married men older than they were, in fact they were the other women. One woman told me that instead of enjoying her 50s she spent all of her time taking her husband to the doctor watching him slowly fall apart and having no time for herself. The other woman thought she had it made until her husband fell and he has been going downhill rapidly since then. It’s just amazing to me how all this plays out in real life. People refer to Michael Douglas and his young wife but if you read enough you know that she wound up in a hospital twice because of some form of bipolar disorder. Did she have it before she married him? We don’t know but it’s telling, isn’t it.

Hysteria625

I am saying prayers and sending strength to you. We have all heard the saying you don’t know how strong you are until you have to be strong (or whatever it is).

You will survive this. We all do. But I hope you emerge as a beautiful butterfly who heals and ends up happier than you could ever imagine.

Because you deserve it.

There are plenty of books and YouTube videos about survivors of infidelity. One I highly recommend has nothing to do with infidelity but it’s about healing yourself. Google Will Smith (the actor) and Fault vs Responsibility.

It really opened my eyes and helped me. I realized no one or no thing makes me happy but me. Period.

As for your mid life crisis affair H who has left you — I look at it as a blessing in disguise. He doesn’t need to be cruel to you but he is. Start living with peace and joy.

If it was me, I'd interview a couple of divorce attorneys, the sharpest in town, and I'd hire a badass. Then I'd file for divorce with the intent of leaving this guy standing in his socks and not much else. The more attorneys you interview, the fewer he can hire. Right now, believe it or not, you're helping him to ease his way out of your marriage. He's pretty much being allowed to leave at his own pace and comfort level as you try to hold on to him. This happens to sooo many people, especially to women, because we tend to be afraid to play hardball. When we're afraid to lay down ultimatums or to utilize "shock and awe", the WS can continue on dithering and gaslighting until he's emotionally and physically ready to depart the relationship. What gives them pause is when you blow up their world before they're ready. Sometimes, that's enough to stop them and get them turned back around. Sometimes it's not. But it's never wise to bluff. If you put down an ultimatum, it's best to mean it. Typically though, you're not losing anything that's not already gone. Underneath it all, cheaters are either leavers or stayers. No amount of pick-me dancing will make a leaver stay, and it practically takes a nuclear warhead to get a stayer to go. We tend to be really anxious thinking that our actions will be the determining factor, and boy howdy, are cheaters ever happy enough to allow us to take the blame! But it's them.

..we are both mired in GUILT - I'm trying to guilt him into staying and working on things, while he is using guilt to lie / gaslight me into thinking he is only doing this for the marriage.

What guilt??? Looking at your previous posts, it sure looks to me like he's setting himself up a bachelor pad so he can fuck some other women, and from what you've said about catching him with Tinder and Bumble, he's pretty damned determined to make that happen. No doubt he'll try to string you along for as long as possible, just like he's been doing so far. But you don't have to stand for that. And no, I don't think "doing the 180" or "going NC" takes it to the appropriate level. This guy thinks he is entitled to the pussy buffet and that you and your family should just sit there on the shelf gathering dust while he scratches that itch. You are still YOUNG though. From what you've said, about 43. Hell, you can start a whole new life with a whole new husband and still end up celebrating a fortieth or even fiftieth anniversary. He's acting like you are just an option, all the while, ignoring the fact that you have options of your own.

So, that's what I would do. I would hire that badass and reign down hell from above. I'd get my ass to IC and fix my picker, then... I'd replace that clown and let him suck on that.