SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, I haven't posted in a while, but wanted to check in. My quick backstory - discovered my wife was having an 18-month long distance affair way back at the end of November last year. Attempted to work through it and assumed reconciliation was most likely, but after about 3 months, I realized it was better to move on. Divorce has mostly been amicable (some tenser moments for sure, but we're using a collaborative approach) and while it's not totally done, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I started trying to date again in March - very quick by most "standards" on here, I know, but after almost 15 years with one person, I felt I needed to get out there, and my therapist was encouraging. I've been on dates with a dozen women or so, and in most cases even had second or third dates with them - huge confidence booster as you can imagine.

I even met someone great over the summer - things progressed slowly at first but then got somewhat serious through Labor Day. And while it may not last (she's unsure about whether she is truly ready to deal with an ex and two kids from that marriage), it has been so great to realize I can move on and get butterflies again. Sure, there's scars, but if I can pull this off, I know others can do the same. I agonized a bit about "being ready" but realized that was mostly an excuse - there's no such thing as "ready". Getting out there and testing the waters (and I definitely stumbled quite a bit at first - happy to share the grim/hilarious details if anyone wants ) is the best way to get over the hump sometimes.

Anyway, just wanted to share. Sending love to this wonderful community.

Great update BrinbK- I think I mentioned to you in your other thread, everything will be fine. When you're in the throws of it, it seems very dim, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. For you, I'm glad you were able to move on. IF this one doesn't work out, there will be others. Don't settle and enjoy your new found life.

Hi BrinbK, Thanks for the Update. I think others could benefit from reading your journey.

I would like to ask a couple of questions.

1. Is your STBXW aware that you are dating ?

2. Is your STBXW still seeing the OM ? Is she dating others at this time ?

Hey, I would be interested in hearing more you story of getting back into dating and doing it relatively quickly.

I'm only 3 weeks from DDay but I think I know myself that I'll be wanting to dive into dating earlier than most recommend as I feel like that will help me recover.

sam59, thanks - I will eventually share a proper update once divorce is finalized.

To answer your questions:
1) Yes, I let my STBXW know that I was starting dating as soon as I had made plans to meet with someone in person (more on that below). We were still living together, and she said she had no issues with it, as long as I didn't bring anyone home (obviously impossible) or involve the kids (also obviously a no-no). Interestingly, once she noticed I was having a bit more "luck" than she expected, she expressed surprise and seemed mildly hurt, but nothing crazy. You might think that would be a nice bit of schadenfreude, but if anything I was a bit embarrassed (I know, I know) and tried to downplay it.
2) I don't know her status with the OM except that she has flown out to see him twice this year. I asked once but she didn't want to talk about it, so I stay out of it - none of my business at this point as long as it doesn't affect the kids. And though I still view her as a friend, it doesn't bother me at all anymore, except that I hope she ends up happy.

Legend10, it wasn't much really - I downloaded one of the apps (only one) and it's worked well for me so far. I'd never done online dating, so navigating it took some learning/failing, but I got the hang of it pretty quickly. I definitely wasn't comfortable meeting anyone in person at first (and this was pre-covid vaccines, so it was easy to delay anything under that pretext) so it was all chatting and occasional phone/video calls to start. The video calls were especially nerve-wracking but I felt compelled to go through with them and try my luck.

Once I did move to meet someone in person, I went from complete nerves to almost none - it just took about a dozen in person dates to get there (YMMV of course). It's one thing to say you're not putting any pressure on first dates, but when you truly act on that, it really does take a load off and you can just enjoy getting to know other people, and (gasp) be yourself. Getting physical also took some adjusting - with one person, we didn't kiss until the fifth date, which is kinda crazy, but again, covid, nerves, etc. And again, repetition has made everything more natural over time, to the point where I don't feel rusty anymore, and my confidence is in a much healthier place, even with the occasional rejection. Easier said than done of course, but it really helps to compartmentalize and recognize that every relationship you have from here on out is distinct from your marriage (and other relationships, natch). Sure, we carry baggage, but continue to give others the benefit of the doubt, continue to trust until you're given legit reasons not to, and you'll be able to move on faster than you thought.

I hope this helps - I know you're so fresh from d-day, and I was still in a complete out-of-body haze at that point, so focus on what needs to be done logistically before jumping into dating, but I obviously also believe you don't need to wait years to sort out all your feelings first either. Good luck and keep us posted!

This is nice to read and I couldn't agree more. I started dating shortly after my divorce was finalized. I actually found a pretty special person before I ever intended to find anything serious. I expected to be jaded and negative with regard to dating and relationships, but it turns out that those feelings only apply to my ex, rather than women at large (which was a serious and complete relief to me). I have been with this girl for over a year now and the relationship has been more supportive, encouraging, positive, and satisfying than I could have ever imagined while I was in the dark days.

Just know that there is no one-size fits all with this stuff. Keep moving forward, keep your wits about you, and always be prepared to take a timeout or a step backwards whenever your gut tells you to.

Best of luck to you.

So good to read positive nb posts!

Wishing you happiness.

@brinbk, you'll get there when you get there. I started on a friendship on the day I filed for divorce. We hung out and did things like walking and long bike rides and kayaking in the moonlight for several months before we realized we were dating and not just being "friends". We didn't have any intimacy until I became legally divorced. Our first kiss was the day after the decree (4 months after we met) and ended up having some really fun times together on ski weekends and then at each other's houses. Ultimately, it didn't work out, but neither of us regret the times we had.

You are in a point of experiencing some really fun times. Embrace it all, but keep your wits about you and try to make sure you are doing the right thing for you and your partner. Everything will work out for you in the end, but you just might not be sure when the next phase of your life starts. Have fun and protect yourself!

[This message edited by countrydirt at 5:57 AM, Wednesday, September 29th]

FlipFlop, I'm of the opinion that we don't control timing on much of this. There's no scientifically proven set amount of time that you need to wait before jumping into anything - it's different for each of us. And no, I didn't at all expect to get into dating so soon, let alone meet someone I have feelings for. It just happened! And I totally agree that these things don't move in a linear fashion - there may be some steps backwards, but that's totally ok.

countrydirt, I remember your story and followed it closely, right around when I started dating again - it gave me some strength, so thank you.

Hello, I dunno if my particular 2 cents will help, but here goes.

My FWH was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer about 5 years after his first A. Ultimately, it took him 26 months to die. I grieved for him for the whole 26 months. I spent $35,000 of our money getting him physical care 24/7 for the last 5 weeks. He was confined to a hospital bed in our living room. Going into a hospice facility would have been paid for by insurance, but he wanted to die at home.

During his final 15 months, we lived in a senior independent living facility. We both became friends with Fred. Fred was my late husband’s best friend. Before hospital bed, Fred would push my late FWH around in a wheelchair. Late FWH asked Fred to look after me after death.

Well.....Fred and I kept seeing each other as friends for about six weeks. Then we realized, at about the same time, that we felt more than friendship. Some people looking in from the outside would have probably judged me pretty harshly. "There goes the Merry Widow. Twenty years of marriage, and she only mourns for six weeks!!??"

But it turned out to be true love. Fred and I have been married almost eight years now. Happily. Long story short? YMMV. Don’t judge anyone harshly...including yourself.

SoHappy, that's a great story and I couldn't agree more on not letting outside "opinions" influence you too much - no one has a full handle on the details, and therefore is not in a place to judge so negatively. As I mentioned, there's no formula on optimal time to get back into anything. You need to do what works for you but also not be afraid to make missteps again - that's all part of the fun of being human.