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A few days ago I physically cheated on my long term boyfriend. I've not been happy for awhile and the stress of covid, losing a baby and multiple health issues that happened because of that, a new pregnancy, lost job due to having covid and complications after having a new baby has really not done us any favors..
So I'd been talking to this guy and I finally met up with him.
We did it in the front seat of his car and I've never felt so dirty and used. We didn't even use protection and now I'm worried about pregnancy, plus I feel so much guilt. What do I do from here?

No stop sign so I'll reply as a BS. First you need to be honest and upfront with your spouse and give full disclosure. Second you need to get into indivial counciling to figure out what allowed you to do this.

I agree. You need to disclose to your BF. If your AP has a spouse/significant other you need to inform them as well.

Get yourself a physical and tested for STDs.

Then get yourself a good IC to unpack why you allowed yourself to do this. I read a lot of excuses in your post. All of them are reasons to be unhappy - none of them are reasons to cheat.

Good luck to you.

Momof3,

The sooner you confess, the sooner you can start recovering or making amends.

Do not have sex with your BF as you can pass along a horrible STD to him, and your children need at least one healthy parent.

I've not been happy for awhile and the stress of covid, losing a baby and multiple health issues that happened because of that, a new pregnancy, lost job due to having covid and complications after having a new baby has really not done us any favors..

In the kindest way I can say it, you should start with this litany of "reasons" and completely remove them from your vocabulary. Not a single one of them is a justification, excuse, or reason for being unfaithful. This creeps very close to a phenomenon known as blameshifting, and you should tread very carefully with this.

Lots of people experience unhappiness in relationships, even in the very best ones.

Everyone on the planet just endured the stress of COVID. It is a global pandemic.

Lots of couples endure the heartache of losing a baby (and I don't say this to minimize your pain at all, and I'm sorry for your loss).

Lots of people experience economic hardship and loss of employment.

You started your post by listing these factors, rather than simply stating what you'd done. One more time: There is NO connection between these things and your decision to have an affair.

So my advice is to cut to the chase and stop listing these things out. As many wayward spouses/girlfriends will tell you, whatever issues may have existed in the relationship prior to your series of willful decisions to cheat now take a backburner, and they take a backburner for a VERY long time.

Read the post "Things Every WS Needs to Know" at the top of the Wayward Forum here. Then get a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Read and absorb every single word of both the post and the book as true and authentic. Don't roll your eyes or sigh about how these things are heavy-handed (my WW did this and many WS's make the mistake of doing this, which is why I'm mentioning it). They are true. The advice they offer is golden. Believe it.

Betrayal trauma is probably the worst mental and emotional trauma a person can endure. Research shows worse physical health outcomes for betrayal trauma compared to any other kind of trauma. And it lasts for years. It takes a betrayed spouse/SO 2-5 years to recover, and most will say 2 years is less common and 5 years is more common.

Trying to reconcile may be the hardest and most heartbreaking thing you will ever experience -- and certainly what your boyfriend will ever endure. And there's absolutely no guarantee it will succeed. In fact, many couples seem to find themselves after the 5 year mark calling it quits. Read the post at the top of the wayward forum, and it will tell you if you can't see yourself signing up for this very difficult and very arduous journey, better to rip the band-aid off now.

No kids, and I take it no significant entanglements? And not married?

I've never felt so dirty and used.

Also, I'd gently suggest you examine the phrasing you chose here. It suggests -- at least to me -- that you are telling yourself a story here about what happened. The language is passive. You weren't used anymore than you used the AP (affair partner). You used each other. You were an active participant. You had to make a series of willful choices, carry out a series of willful deceptions, and walk through a series of willful actions -- countless choices, deceptions and actions to arrive at having sex in a car with a man you barely seem to know.

Your boyfriend is going to piece all that together, whether you voluntarily confess or not (and he will find out, more than likely, bank on it). So if you tell him "I've never felt so used" -- well, he may accept that in the beginning when he's in complete shock and his body is being flooded with endogenous opioids and going into a kind of hibernation. But months later, when he comes out of this state, he's going to call you on it like I just did.

Take accountability, REAL accountability. Stand up and own it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:10 AM, Friday, October 15th]

I think the first things to do should be the technical bits; a pregnancy test, an STD test and telling your partner.

What comes next is the harder part. Facing up to the consequence of your actions.

I suggest finding a support network in real life if you can; online chatter will get you some points but not really anywhere close to what you actually need. Therapy and help. Your partner will most likely need help too to heal from this betrayal. It's a long dirty and tough road. If your partner sees a core strong/good enough to save and you both work together/individually for a few years then it's more than possible that you can rebuild. But it'll take some years and it'll take dedication.

As far as what you've told us about yourself. Emotional trauma, something it appears you've suffered through and most betrayed here will surely be happy to explain, unhinges some deep insecurities/issues/etc. Therapy, real life therapy that is, will help you understand why you've coped with it by betraying your relationship and sleeping with someone else in the way that you did. And help you develop the tools necessary for creating healthier mechanisms. Might not be enough to save your relationship, mind you, but becoming the better version of ourselves is always a worthy cause.

It's going to be rough but I hope things will turn out as well as they need to.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 1:07 AM, Friday, October 15th]

What you do moving forward will have the greatest impact on your relationship and your happiness in life forever more. I strongly recommend you immediately forego sexual time with your BF and get tested. Tell your BF and leave personal opinions out of it. Answer his questions to completion and don't rationalize with yourself that if he doesn't ask about X (whatever he deserves to know) you don't have to tell him about X. Allow him to throttle the flow of information. He is likely to be very angry and say awful things. The things he says in a moment of pain does not necessarily mean he believes it. These are part of the consequences of your choices. Learn and accept that you made choices, not mistakes.

Get and read/listen to "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. I wish my wayward wife had done this and taken the recommendations Glass gives seriously. Instead she allowed fear to guide her and she compounded an already terrible situation while creating more trauma for me. Don't do this! You're going to be scared and that's normal.

I hope you have the courage to be the person you can be.