SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W2BHA, good to see you're still around spreading smiles and sunshine.

HFSSC, heyyyyyy!

Your children are absolutely not allowed to be teenagers. Nope! They are those cute younguns I met in 2015.

Girl, it's crazy isn't it!? 16 and 13. I blinked and it happened. If I did nothing else right in this life, one thing I've taught them is boundaries on all fronts. This stage has got to be my favorite. They're coming into themselves. Turning into little adults before my eyes. We have the most fascinating conversations that I and my husband was never able to have with our parents. We broke the cycle. They trust us, they confide in us, we all learn and grow together. No subject is off the table. I've been asked some weeeeeeird stuff. But the fact remains, they felt safe enough to open the discussion. We can handle it. (And their friends all call me a cool mom.)

Hello Dragn and DF, hope you're both doing well.

BS here and I'm going to a bit of a T/J after I tell you how great it is to learn of your story. I'm closing in on five years out and have gained a lot of perspective over that time period and with the help of the great folks on this site.

We dealt with the bulk of that off-site because I'd posted about it and some people were pissed that I had the audacity to be hurt. I didn't have the mental energy to fight through this with my husband and on site.

I have to say that in year 1 and probably year 2 after d-day, I would have been one of those who scoffed at a WS feeling badly that their BS had hurt them. Why? Because for quite some time I fought the very strong urge to hurt my WS in a vengeful way. I wanted so much for him to feel some modicum of the devastation he foisted on me.

But now with perspective and having joy back in my life I can view this very differently. It is true that there is a lot to forgive oneself for and in particular it is those elements of a point in time when life wasn't fair and it left self-esteem to someone else. That is not the fault of anyone who suffered abuse at the hand of someone else. It's a great depiction of the precarious walk a WS has to do by recognizing the need to maintain accountability and deliver some level of restitution while at the same time allowing oneself to really understand the impact the past has on the present.

Well done and a pleasure to read your post!

Well done.

I am also 10 yrs post-PA, but as the BH. I discovered forgiveness of my WW was much easier than forgiving myself. As I healed, I realized there were so many signs in my WW's behavior 30 yrs ago that completely did not register with me. I was broken and I chose a partner that was broken. I dealt with my FOO through depression & anxiety. My WW dealt with her FOO via the external validation of a PA. Both types of coping impact trust, but in different ways.

My WW must have been wondering, "How can I love someone who does not love himself?" And I think... How can I ever put my life in the hands of someone who treated me with such wanton disregard? There are consequences and I've discovered it's best to approach them head-on. I had to explain to her when I was drafting my living will that my brother will be making end-of-life decisions for me. It's sad, but life goes on. Just endeavor to live your best possible life, and take each day as it comes.

It's so good to hear from you! And so good to hear that you and your husband have gotten to such a good place in your marriage. We really enjoyed meeting both of you at those G2G's so many years ago. And I'm happy to hear that you have found good, helpful medical help for your health issues. I so admire how you have dealt with all the different issues that have come up in your life.

Thanks so much for your comments on forgiving oneself. I am still struggling with that, while continuing to grow as a person and as a marriage partner. Congratulations on your kids confiding in the two of you. We have that joy as well with our adult son, while also being proud of the good boundaries he maintains, even with us.

I also am just checking in once a year now, focusing my recovery efforts on what my husband (and a good therapist) say, rather than the opinions of outsiders. (Also, it just takes a lot of time to read and post on SI, and I need to spend that time on things that are directly relevant to my life and my marriage.)

I hope that things continue to go well for you and your family, and that we can continue to keep seeing each other occasionally online, if not in person.