SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been putting some thought into what kind of topics we can introduce here that create a safe space for WS to talk about coping with dangerous impulses. I'm leaving the stop sign on because I imagine that it will cause some triggery feelings in betrayed spouses, but I think it's important to crack open the door in case any lurking WS is looking for that opportunity.

I recently made a reference in another thread to Tim Minchin, a singer/composer/comedian who wrote a tongue-in-cheek song about soulmates. It's a fun tune, but Minchin has also written some more serious songs about struggling with infidelity. As he alludes in "If I Didn't Have You," he met his wife as a teenager and lost his virginity to her. They were together for ten years before getting married. At the time, he never imagined the kind of success he would have on the world stage or the sexual/romantic opportunities that life on the road would throw his way. He wrestles with the forbidden experiences he would now be free to engage in if they hadn't met so young.

And yet, he loves his wife, and they've built a history and a family together that he wants to protect. I surmise they must have a pretty strong relationship, because she consented to him publishing songs that lay those details bare to the scrutiny of the world. In "The Absence of You," which is largely a love song about how much he misses her when they're apart, he confesses to getting as far as kissing another woman in a hotel room before coming to his senses. And in "I'll Take Lonely Tonight," he explains to a very tempting girl who is hitting on him that he does worry about letting opportunity pass him by and regretting it someday when it's too late to be wild. But as he tells her, "there's a girl has my heart in a house half a planet away, and I'd rather murder than hurt her," and so he turns her down. The end of that song depicts the strange combination of triumph and dejection he feels after making the right choice.

I'll take lonely tonight
In my three-point-five star
Boutique hotel
Where I will spend 25 bucks
On minibar snacks
And pass out on my phone
And wake in four hours or so
Soaked in relief to find
I am alone
With only the wrappers
Of Pringles and Snickers
For which to atone
Blissfully lonely

Minchin said in an interview that "the release you are driven towards when you are wanting to fuck someone is fucking. But the song, slightly ironically, drives towards a release of relief, the bliss, the almost-ecstatic orgasmic bliss of having not fucked up."

I'm curious if anyone here has experienced that and needs a place to share it.

he confesses to getting as far as kissing another woman in a hotel room before coming to his senses

Maybe that's all or maybe there was more. We'll never know. But he didn't "come to his senses". He plays around with the line - for whatever reasons he has. But the thing about that line is that once you stand close to it you'll either cross it over and over or you won't. And given that he's crossed it once, I suspect he will or has already crossed it again.

That snippet of song, to me, rings like trying to hard to convince himself or us. "I'll take lonely tonight" - a healthy man isn't lonely just because he's away from his family for a bit. I used to be like that. I'd so easily lose my emotional connection when I wasn't around. But that was a symptom of something that was broken inside of me - I chose lonely because I wanted to torment myself and that eventually grew into other choices that led me down a very shitty path indeed.

tl;dr
I humbly disagree about this being a love song to his wife. To himself maybe. But then again, I only really like his song about that word with one N, one I, two Gs and an ER :)

While I have never heard the song, the thrust of your post seems to be (at least to me) about doing the right thing. About integrity and what that feels like.

For most WS, thats a foreign idea. Oh I’m sure many could spout whimsical ideas of what integrity is, but most would have no idea what it felt like.

For me, I always talked a good game. I used to sneer at men who couldn’t keep their sick in their pants. Prior to the ending of my affair, I can’t really recall ever doing things unless I received some benefit from it. I’m sure there were instances of altruism on my part but nothing really stands out.

I do remember the first inkling of that when I ended my A. I finally began to grow a conscious and couldn’t live with my actions any longer.

I try and live by the motto "Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking". The right thing still isn’t as organic in me as I would like. Not too long ago I went to a store to pick up an order. The clerk screwed up and gave me extra which amounted to over $100 to my "benefit". When I checked the order after I walked away, I realized their mistake. Admittedly, I wrestled with the idea of returning the extra items. I was thinking, "Well this is a big company, screw them they can afford it". But then I started to think about the employee who made the mistake. It could land back on them a possible cost them their job. I ended up returning the item to the clerk and let them know of the error. I must say, while not orgasmic, it felt pretty good to do the right thing.

Minchin said in an interview that "the release you are driven towards when you are wanting to fuck someone is fucking. But the song, slightly ironically, drives towards a release of relief, the bliss, the almost-ecstatic orgasmic bliss of having not fucked up."

So, by his own admission above, he was not looking for company but rather for the release of fucking someone. and instead of merely fucking, he raids the mini-bar and passes out.

I mean, sure, kudos for not fucking someone simply because you could. And seeing how these "feelings" were made into a song, i'm guessing that some of the song was simply an attempt to catch the attention of listeners (boost ratings).

btw, who thinks raiding the minibar and passing out is a "good alternative" to infidelity? ... yikes.

(perhaps i'm just jealous that i'm not a rockstar and therefore have not had to cope with these particular dangerous impulses)

A much more relatable situation re: dangerous impulses, for me, would be if AP contacted me and invited me out for a drink to "catch up" during the holidays. Personally, I feel strong enough today to thwart AP's advances, but I get that this thread was opened in an attempt to draw out potential WSs who may be struggling with staying on the straight and narrow.

In keeping with the intent of the thread, good on Minchin for recognizing the problem as a problem before it became an even bigger problem-- may he continue to ride the orgasmic bliss of NOT fucking up (but maybe go for a run next time, buddy, instead of hitting the minibar!).