A little over two and a half years since Dday and being abandoned by ex-ww. Alimony is over in April thankfully.
The last two and a half years have seen a huge amount of personal growth on my part. I like myself now far more than I did before she left. I've acted as a background character on the biggest stage in my city, learned to dance a bit, explored my personal fashion sense for the first time in my life. Nice clothes always felt like a selfish extravagance to me when I was married, at the time I'd have rather spent the money on improving our living conditions with newer furniture.
I've gone on nearly 20 different first dates since she left. Some didn't work because they weren't interested, some because I wasn't. Work has been steady even through the pandemic. Benefit of pursuing a career in medical testing.
When I was married I had stopped dreaming or asking myself what I really wanted out of life. I thought I was married to my best friend, wife, and lover and figured that I was fortunate to have her and should appreciate my life as it was.
Since Dday, I've really had to ask myself, what do I want? How do I want my life to go?
The idea of trying to remarry here seems like I'm just cramming a new wife appliance in the hole my ex left, and doesn't seem fair to whatever new woman I would try to get serious with. In addition to this I don't want to put myself in a position where the main goal I'm chasing is a happy stable marriage with a potential for kids one day. That's a life of just hoping I don't get Chumped again, and a road to a second round of devastation if I was.
So, upon really thinking about everything, I've decided to pursue a master's in biology in France, with the eventual goal of becoming a french citizen. When I think of living my life there, potentially getting married and Chumped again, being surrounded by all that history takes the sting out. I'd be someplace living a life where I would be happy with or without a partner. If my next wife cheats I can cry about it over a glass of wine over the river siene. As part of making this happen I'm taking a two week vacation to France in April to make sure I won't hate it. I've been studying the language for over a year and a half and am doing ok I think.
This major move would be something that would make me feel so very accomplished in life and would represent a huge degree of success in my book. I grew up in a trailer in Kansas with meth head neighbors and there I could be working and living in France. Of course I feel some guilt in leaving my parents here, but I can't live my life for them. What would be left for me if I did when they passed?
As far as my ex-wife goes, I haven't heard anything from her since Dday. Mainly the normal playing the victim thing most cheaters do.
I still dream of her sometimes, and miss the intimacy we had at times, but looking back..... I'm capable of finding a far better match in a partner than her.
Obviously the trauma from her betrayal is still there. That will probably be a scar I will carry with me for the rest of my life, but I think time, distance, and a fresh start will do me wonders.
I remember how it felt the first six months. Random crying spells, anxiety attacks, just absolute misery. It felt like I was in a hurricane walking into the wind trying to make progress out of the misery I was in. Every step forward felt like it took herculean effort, and I felt like I would never see the end of the pain.
For anyone currently going through all of this, just know, it does get better eventually. Just focus on trying to take little steps every day, or even just not taking steps backwards, and you'll get there. It will get better. No matter how dark the night may seem, the morning will always come.
