SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On another topic of NC with AP, its been a long time and never think about AP’s, except writing this post.
D day + 7 years is approaching, and I look back and I’m more shocked and disgusted with myself.
BW and I are doing okay. My boundaries are very high, and I have surrounded myself with guy friends and I’m stronger than I was
Anyone else look back at your wayward self from a long time ago? What has changed the most?

Coming up on 6 years.

Anyone else look back at your wayward self from a long time ago?

ALL THE TIME. And I mostly cringe at that version of myself. There's no denying that at the time it was my normal and I didn't see any real issue with my behavior and actions. I thought I deserved happiness, even if it was self serving,  even if it was selfish and at the expense of everyone around me, and I was perfectly ok lacking any morals or self respect (though I didn't look at it that way then).

What has changed the most?

If I had to narrow it down, I'd say it was putting thought into the quality of life I wanted. Learning how to achieve that. Then making it happen and choosing it everyday. Even when its hard.

I'm less conflict avoidant. I imagine some might say,"Oh, great, a wayward who thinks her most important improvement is learning how to say what she wants." Truly, though, the A and many other problems I've caused in my life would never have happened if I had been willing to put myself out there and be honest. I'm still anxious when I assert myself. I'm nervous about derision, and abandonment, and being judged as inadequate. But that's so much better than being resentful, and manipulative, and scurrying around in the dark trying to cover up the consequences of my actions. It's better out here in the sunlight. Warts and all.

From the BS perspective, like BSR, this has made me significantly more self assertive. I've noticed this in many of my BS friends.

Forever labeled
I agree with the cringe part, there’s the strong desire to go smack that version of myself, but I can’t go back. I can only change what I do today and tomorrow. The change for me is my appreciation and respect of my BS. I think a lot of her and focus on the good.
I’m away from her right now, working remotely, but she’s never far from my thoughts
The quality of life we make for the ourselves is the choices we make to be better.

BSR,
That’s an important change, echoing FL’s self reliance. Asserting ourselves shows we try to be genuine. That’s a good analogy coming to the light, as we’ve been in the dark. Funny, I just went to the dermatologists to remove a wart

Linus, as a BS I can’t imagine how hard it’s been. Asserting your self shows increased self respect and confidence as well. It came at a hefty price, but you’ve gotten stronger.

Thanks for the replies; my wayward past makes it hard to have respect for myself, but I strive to have morals so much more. BS ask how do waywards stand to look at themselves in a mirror? And once I really saw what I had become I never want to be that again.

I too as a WS look back at myself in disgust and horror. How could I have done that to my husband? I felt like it was someone else doing those things. At times, I hate myself for my past.

my wayward past makes it hard to have respect for myself

I think its perfectly ok to have zero respect for the person we were, and even though its a strong word, to hate that person too. But, the person I am today, oh I love her, mad respect for that bish. Its taken a long time to separate the two, I had to untangle this internal web of old and new. Every day that passed it became easier because that is the beauty of hard work and change. The more we remove ourselves from the behavior and thought patterns that brought us here the more you don't feel like that awful destructive person. And just as its ok to loathe our former selves, its equally ok (and highly recommended) to allow yourself to see something different when looking in the mirror. Otherwise whats the point of all of this?

In some ways it seems I have created this little pocket that I carry 28 year old me in. Not to go poking around in it, or intentionally stir up shameful feelings. Just a gentle reminder, sorta my own version of jiminy cricket, a quiet whisper of consciousness. It keeps me moving forward.

Over the past 6 years or so, I have given this topic quite a bit of thought. Like other here, I am quite disgusted by my actions. Not just during the A, but before it as well.

Hindsight (at least where WS are concerned) can be a real slap in the face.I think when many WS reflect upon their pre-A self, post-A they can't be really shocked that their shitty thoughts/actions culminated in an A. Pre-A, I was the nice guy, someone who used to sneer at people who cheated. I mean, I wasn't that guy after all, I was the picture of virtue and morality.

Now I know better. What especially bothers me is how easy it was for me to end up in an A. While I didn't actively go looking for one, I certainly didn't pump the brakes once. It was startlingly simple for me to throw everything aside for my own selfishness.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 9:01 PM, Friday, February 11th]

I’m definitely disgusted with myself. I also felt like I didn’t have a voice before the affair and I now have freedom from that and am not afraid to speak up. It’s almost like a trauma response when I have flash backs of my affair. I get anxious and upset and so damn mad at myself. I risked everything. And for what? But then I remember where I am right now. I am a different person. I have grown and learned how to deal with hard things. I’ve learned how to feel. My husband is still with me for now and we are both working together. There are good days and terrible days. I’m taking it one day at a time. One thing I’ve started to keep my spirits up so I can support my husband is write 3 things I’m thankful for each day. And also found some affirmation statements that I can read when I’m feeling low. Only 5 months in and a long way to go. Some days I feel like I don’t make it.

Hi and welcome, Copec. I hope you'll feel free to start a thread when you're ready. I recommend a stop sign to limit participation to waywards only, at least for that introductory post, but it's up to you.

Copec,
Please feel free to share. You’re in a safe place. Other waywards who have been down the road you are traveling now can over advice
One book that opened is "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Other resources are What every waywards needs to know by HUFIPUFI
It’s in the library

Let us know how we can help

2timesunfaithful and BraveSirRobin, thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for the resources. I will start a thread soon. I am so thankful I found this site, I need support desperately. It’s just one day at a time. I really appreciate the support already.

I'm in year 6 of R. At this point in the game, the AP is never a thought in my mind unless we are discussing something about her related to the affair (and I can't remember the last time that even happened). I most certainly do not miss her, and you'd have to put a gun to my head to get me to do anything related to her in any way.

As far as looking back on myself, I find myself awash in emotions. Disappointment, anger, bewilderment, and even a sense of betrayal in the self-betrayal sense, all towards myself. Before the affair, I had it all, honestly. All I wanted in my life was to be a great husband and a great father, and to have a household that wasn't like the emotional toxic waste dump that I grew up in. I had a smart, beautiful, strong and talented wife who loved me unconditionally and supported my crazy dreams. I had two really amazing (in every way) step kids who appreciated me and never gave me trouble, my own daughter who is the light of my world, a dog, motorcycles, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, a great job that loved me... seriously, I could not have been happier.

And I blew it. I lost everything, and everyone that I loved and cared about was betrayed and hurt by me, so they lost some of their dreams too. That toxic childhood I thought I had left behind a long time ago, well... those things have a funny way of creeping back in when you ignore them. Hurt people hurt people they say, and that was true in my case.

I'll be honest with you, the burden of that guilt, the knowledge of the betrayal(s) you committed and the damage done, once you get out of "the fog" and reality creeps back in... it's too much to bear. It just is. I can see why so many WS's choose to just stay in la-la-land, because they can't deal with the truth. It hurts too much. It leaves you feeling soulless. Somehow, you have to find a way to deal with that which is too much to deal with. Some days it can feel like counting grains of sand, like an impossible task, but if giving up is not an option, then you have to start somewhere, and just ignore the fact that it's endless. You make it work.

What's changed the most is my ability to deal with stress and conflict, and moreover, my ability to love and value myself without a 100% reliance on others to make me feel worthy of the air I breathe every day. My wife and I talk things through now, even when it's tough (especially when it's tough), and the way we talk is healthier now. More listening, less blaming, more feelings, less definitions. I've stopped seeing myself as a victim (still a work in progress and it always will be for me, but I've made some good progress and I'm proud of that). I've learned techniques to help squelch the noise in my head. Although there's never been a greater gap between us in the marriage, in some ways, we're closer, more honest, and while love is no longer unconditional, in some ways, that helps makes it stronger, because we now know both the good and the bad of the relationship, and yet still make the conscious choice to move forward together.

ff & DD,
I look back at my wayward self, the disappointment in myself is staggering. How could I do that? Both of my parents has passed away before the A's started. I had lost my bearings, but so much that I did things I would never had thought I would. The guilt is paralyzing, but just a fragment of the pain our BW's must feel. Another thing that has changed is empathy for my wife and her pain. Empathy was absent years before the A's, she suffered from depression. I'm trying to get back to the person my wife married, but there will ALWAYS be that guilt.

Thank you for listening

2tu