Hopefully by now you are aware of Maia's passing. Even if you didn't get to "meet" or know Maia while she was most active, most people have read her "Withdrawal guide" post, or any of her many supportive and helpful responses to others. To that end, I'd like to use her example to help bring some perspective to currently struggling waywards.
So many WS's come here asking what the future holds for them. Will they always feel like shit? Will they always be stuck in shame? Will they forever bear a "scarlet letter" and be seen by themselves and others as a POS who lied, who cheated, who behaved like someone with no redeeming qualities? We wonder how to move forward in our lives given the improprieties of our past, and what can we do to bring meaning and purpose to that which started out as meaningless and destructive?
Early on in my own recovery, my wife wrote the following to me. I think it succinctly summarizes the wisdom of how to approach these questions and more:
How do you want to be remembered? Do you want folks to say, poor guy, he had his demons even though he tried? Or do you want folks to say I want to emulate him because despite the horrific adversity he faced and the years it haunted him, he made us all look up to him? He is someone that I wish I could be.
I think Maia embodies the essence of that statement. So does Zugzwang, and BraveSirRobin, and of course DeeplyScared herself, and many other waywards who have done the work, and had the courage, integrity and fortitude to stick it out and find ways to rebuild their lives in ways that allow them to feel human again, to feel valued and even loved again.
Maia (and many others) is someone that was known, loved and respected in the SI community. Read those words again... Loved. Respected. This is a wayward we're talking about. She cheated, she lied, she betrayed her spouse and gave her love and her body to another man, just another wayward POS who put her own needs ahead of anyone else's, and who flushed her integrity down the toilet. She was you. She was me. We all walked the same path. And yet... here we are missing her. WS and BS alike, we look at Maia and we see someone who chose to build their integrity back piece by piece, instead of sinking into shame and regret. She chose to be there for others, to change her life for the better, to BE someone better. To be honest, her battle to rebuild herself is what makes us respect her all the more.
Take a moment to go read Maia's profile, and take in her story. She had a horrible upbringing. She dealt with abusive step-fathers who beat her mother and made her watch, and who snuck into her room at night to rape her. It is one thing to be a person of integrity when you have a wonderful upbringing and family/community who serve as positive role models for you. But it's another thing entirely to grow up never having been protected by your parents, having never lived a life where decency or respect or integrity ever existed. It takes a LOT of work to build from scratch, that which you never had to begin with. So when someone like that makes those kinds of efforts and succeeds... well that's fucking impressive. It changes how others see us. It changes how we see ourselves.
This is a personal journey. Bear in mind that many of the waywards we end up respecting the most at the end of the day... still did not manage to save their marriage. Sadly, there are no guarantees in that regard. But I promise you this... you can lose your marriage, and still save your integrity. And there are stories here on SI where marriages have ended... and then, when the WS made changes in their lives... remarried. It just all starts with you, and how you see your recovery plan. Love yourself enough and won't need to control the outcome(s) of the marriage, because you know you'll be okay no matter what, and so you can instead focus on doing what's needed for your spouse to move forward with their lives as well.
Thank you Maia, for being here for others when no one was there for you when you were young and needed some hope, some protection, some advice. And thank you for reminding us that there is no hole so deep that we cannot find a way out. Usually, all it takes is the belief that nothing is impossible if you refuse to give up trying.
