SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve posted a few times now about my twenty year marriage ending. I live with my sixteen year old and have a twenty year old son away at college. My wife filed for divorce in September after an affair and lives with the AP now. My friends and family are frustrated with her. My older son and I went on a snowboarding trip in December and I told him honestly how I felt. I said I missed her and I was hurting. I also told him I wasn’t always easy to live with and could be stubborn and I regret my career wasn’t equal to hers, etc. On this trip my son said he felt my STBXW was superficial with him and surface level. He related to my frustrations. My younger son does too, though I try to speak less to him. I know as a general rule you leave the kids out of it. We have heart to heart conversations at times though and my sons are frustrated with the way she lied and cheated then left, but more than that they have issues unrelated to the divorce that have been brought to the surface by the way she has acted over the last ten months. She feels I’m manipulating them. I speak of her in a way where I say I’m sad it ended and I know it takes two to make it work. I wish I was more thoughtful at times. I don’t just paint her as wrong. I wouldn’t have ended things in such a hurtful way, but I don’t villainize her. I think her actions for years have hurt people and the divorce is hurting the kids. She won’t take responsibility and blames me they and others are upset with her. I even tried to suggest ways she could improve things with our older son by simply explaining she is sorry she hurt him and and she realizes this is hard. She called him and said I’m unintentionally upsetting him after a halfhearted apology. This made things worse, as she is someone that always has given those type of apologies: "I’m sorry you feel like I wasn’t there for you" or "I’m sorry I lied to your dad, but I was trying to spare his feelings". She doesn’t self reflect or take responsibility. I dwell to a fault and even after all of this think constantly of what I could have done differently. I guess my main point is that the kids and my friends and family see me as genuine and her as kind of superficial. I am hurt by her affair and the divorce but I have told anyone I talk to, including the kids good things about her and things I wish I was better at. They’re old enough to form their own opinions and have become frustrated with her. She blames me. Should I never speak of my feelings about her to the kids, good or bad?

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 6:36 PM, Friday, March 25th]

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 6:39 PM, Friday, March 25th]

She is just mad that everyone isn't throwing her a parade for having an affair,leaving her family, and living with the AP.

Of course she is going to blame you.

And it sounds like she is making you feel bad about having an honest,genuine,loving relationship with your kids.

Stop letting her make you feel that way.

How she feels about you is none of your business.

Keep being a great parent.

Stop talking to her about anything. If she wants to see the kid who still lives with you,she can text you,and you can confirm. If she starts to go on about how you aren't behaving the way she wants you to,end the conversation.

NC is your friend.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:41 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Mine were only 6 and 9 when we left. I never offered up information about the affair to them. However, as they've gotten older, I do tell them the truth when they ask me questions. They need 1 parent they can turn to and get the truth. It's uncomfortable for my ex, but too fucking bad. My kiddos are now 18 and 15.

I don't bad mouth my ex to my kiddos but they know exactly who their father is through his own actions (or inaction in my case). He is unreliable and a liar. I do not lie to my kiddos so when they ask for the truth, I give it to them (in an age appropriate way). Yours are older and already know who their mother is. If she was so concerned, she should not have created this situation.

Good job dad. Continue being the solid parent.

Thank you!