SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Experienced a rage trigger with XWH. UGH! DD is having a difficult time in freshman year of college and academically struggling. Also has a new boyfriend who is not on campus and comes with a lot of red flags, including a father who is incarcerated. The downslide began when DD started to try to engage a bit with XWH and affair partner for the first time. These two posers are still together, much to my surprise. They had dinner together and a few outings but AP is a pretty shallow, narcissistic person who views DD as competition. Bottom line: DD came home from school one weekend and was told she couldn't stay with them for the night because AP was "uncomfortable." This was in our old family home that DD grew up in, and where their affair started (she was an invited guest in my home when she started sleeping with my husband).

DD left very hurt and upset that evening. Since then she's been estranged from her dad and struggling, grades started sliding. When the college crisis came up, though, XWH swooped in to try to be super dad. He even called me to discuss the matter, and we both agreed she should stick it out. He went to visit her on campus and I took this as a sign he would be more involved as a parent (when he's been MIA). I can't believe I fell for it. Fast forward a week later. DD brought the boyfriend home. I called XWH to discuss the relationship as it seems to be getting alarmingly serious. He never responded or called back. I tried to share my concerns but he called DD directly instead who exaggerated what I thought was a very calm but assertive conversation about her needing to focus on college. This stupid triangle of divorce is so dysfunctional. I am proud that I didn't rage text XWH about refusing to communicate with me -- but I am still struggling with anger about it -- about having to parent alone, having to make difficult decisions and picking up the pieces of his damaging behavior.

I find my mind reaching for revenge tactics against him and I hate that I am spinning my wheels with hate and anger toward someone who is worthless.

Okay. Just breathe.

While there is no good answer, you can base your next response in a similar situation as this one.

XH is not willing to take one for the team.

You should not count on him for anything.

It’s for your daughter to manage the relationship with her father in the future. If she wants to call him she can. If she wants to see him she has to arrange it or understand that your inout is limited at best.

You will never discourage her from a relationship with her dad. But it cannot fall to you to make the effort when her own father should make the time. She cannot stay in the home with him?! Because if the OW!?

Like I said he’s not wiling to take one for the team.

He doesn’t get it. Sadly.

Hugs. I'm right there with you. Although mine is absent, the damage is the same. I've been parenting solo for almost 8yrs now.

I frequently mentally throw mine through a bunch of torturous scenarios, depending on how angry I am at him and his leaving me alone to parent our 2 children through their teen years. I have no qualms about mentally murdering him over and over again.

What you fantasize is different than your actions. My actions towards him suggest that I am willing to be amicable, while mentally burning him alive. It helps me cope. And it hurts no one - unlike the actions of our exes.

((((hugs))))

I am so sorry. Your anger is well founded. But It he isn’t worth the emotion.

Unfortunately her father is making the boyfriend look good. And with challenges at college, she needs comfort.

What about college is she struggling with? Is she depressed? Homesick? Feeling Alone? College on its own is really tough.

Would she agree to go to an individual counsellor? A good one. She has so much to sort through, it might help.

You sound like a great mom, and your daughter is so lucky to have you. You are doing the right things.

Ugh. I'm sorry to hear this. It has been my observation that senior year of high school/freshman year of college, a parental divorce at that point in a young person's life is particularly difficult, for many of the reasons you outline. I hope she gets her feet beneath her.

having to make difficult decisions and picking up the pieces of his damaging behavior.

I know how you feel.

I’m sure there are very many here that are going through the same thing, including me.

What children have to go through as a result of a parents inconceivably selfish behavior should be criminal.

When your XWH told his daughter that she could not stay at the very house she grew up in because his AP girlfriend was "uncomfortable", he just told her that she is of less value to him than his AP girlfriend.

What a bonafide piece of shit of a parent and human being.

Strongly affirm to her that her value is NOT based on her obviously dysfunctional father’s toxic behavior.

I would go as far as to tell her that he didn’t want her to be there because she is of stronger will and stronger character than his weak-minded and insecure girlfriend and that is why she felt "uncomfortable".

Also tell her that in order to keep his AP interested in him, her weak-as-fuck father has to submit to his AP’s childish insecurities - otherwise she will quickly find another weak, character-bereft loser to manipulate.

Tell her because it is all the truth - and maybe the truth will open her eyes and mind as to why and whom she is dating.

Don't talk badly about her boyfriend, as that will only endear him to her as someone who is misunderstood. The whole Romeo & Juliet thing. You don't describe any of the red flags besides his father being incarcerated, which isn't really a red flag, as that's the father's issue not the child. The boy might well be bad news, so I'll take your word for it. Just beware that if your major complaint is him "coming from a bad family", that will come off as shallow to your daughter, particularly given the problems with her own father.

Don't try to manage her relationship with her father. Let it go. I speak from experience so I'm not preachy- my ex is awful & a bad dad, too. Just let it go and don't make comments. Be there for her when he lets her down. That's all you can do.

The real focus, in terms of helping her in relationships, should be to teach her what her value is and how she should expect to be treated (very well) in relationships. Keep reiterating these lessons to her in small and big ways. Then let her connect the dots if the guy she's dating treats her poorly.

I would suggest you never talk to the ex about your daughter on the emotional or personal things. There is no reason unless it is logistic in some way. It's tricky I know, I am dealing with a child preparing for college also, but I always find I can filter down my words to one or two clear basic sentences, even after starting out a few paragraphs long. Good for you holding back on the instant reply by the way.

Let your daughter know you are there for her and that you are sorry she has to deal with her fathers decision to break up the family and bring another person into her home, if that comes up.

Good luck.

Thanks all for the comments, really appreciate it. Really helps to have this insight from all of you.
Update:
DD is not doing great. Flunking a class and very hostile, defensive. I can tell she's been in communication with XHW, who is NOT paying her college tuition, btw but nevertheless rubber stamping every bad decision she makes to gain her favor. She will only have brief telephone conversations with me and expressed anger for what I have said about the red flag boyfriend. In the narrow window of conversation we do have I try to tell her the boyfriend is not really the issue, the fact that she doesn't seem to like this particular college very much, not really participating in campus life, and is burning up a lot of gas driving friends around and seeing the boyfriend. She accuses me of being "controlling," something XWH used to do. Anyway, it's finals, her anxiety is high, and so I am trying to just hang back and let her know I am here ifs she needs anything. Feeling so helpless. About the best I can do is wait for her to come home to have some conversations about next year and consider having a reset by taking local college courses and working part time. I won't talk to XWH. He's a waste of time and I don't trust him.

Anyone else here having a freshman kid struggling? I feel like they were shut up for two years in the pandemic and perhaps setting them loose on the college campus was an experience these pandemic freshmen were not ready for.