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So it’s been almost 6 months since dd. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to pursue anymore. I live with my WW along with our two kids and being around her triggers me and makes me feel so uncomfortable. I still love her but she is not safe or good for me. I talked to my IC and she suggested that I tell her I want to seperate/divorce in the MC session. I am considering legal separation to see if time apart and living away from each other could help heal or maybe not go straight to divorce?

Has anyone ever gone this route?
How has your WS responded?

I am considering legal separation to see if time apart and living away from each other could help heal or maybe not go straight to divorce?

Has anyone ever gone this route?
How has your WS responded?

WS and I legally separated. D-Day was Thanksgiving, mid/late December I found A had gone underground, I blew up the affair to family & friends and WS moved out New Years Day at my insistence.

A local law school offered free divorce/mediation services. We got 4-6 sessions handled by a graduating law student, supervised by a professor. I wanted to legally separate as I was a SAHM with a toddler and wanted to stay on WS's really really really good insurance.

We covered things like child and spousal support, who would cover the vet bills for our cat, and which holidays the kids would spend with which parent, and left with a 40-page separation agreement. If we decided to divorce, the paperwork would basically roll over. If we decided to undo the separation, we would need to fill out separate paperwork.

WS ended his affair the week before we signed off on the agreement, moved into his grandma's house and then got a small apartment. He lived there for roughly two years, the kids would stay with him there, and then eventually (after lots of talking, therapy, books, mediation etc.) I started staying over sometimes, too.

We moved back in with each other fulltime March 2020 (when the pandemic first and things were being locked down).

I'm really glad that we legally separated. It helped me feel safer knowing that we put everything in writing and I could walk away if I chose to at any time. I'm grateful that my WS was at least decent enough during his A to not try to screw me over, give me primary physical custody, agree to pay me spousal support until our toddler was in schoop fulltime, etc.

Hey Beagle,

I can relate to you. I still live with WW. It has been over a year since I found out about the A. At first she said she wanted to divorce but denied the A. Then she said she wanted to stay for the kids but only if I sold some assets and fixed up the house. Then she said she wanted to keep her retirement separate, then two weeks before a huge raise she said I had to choose between a postnuptial agreement, legal separation, or divorce. That was last summer. I refused to sign the agreement so she filed for legal separation.

No effort to reconcile, no real apology or remorse from her, instead she makes demands of me. The process for separation stalled and I finally filed my response last month. She was not happy, asking why I did not try to negotiate the terms of her "agreement". The person I knew I would see came out. She has become more entitled and vindictive with community property, assets, and our children. She treats everyone with kindness and respect, almost to a fake degree that I don't remember seeing in 19 years of us being together. She barely acknowledges me.

As you have said, I am constantly triggered. I control it, but I prefer not to be in the same room as her since it kills my self esteem. I look back to a year ago and wish she had left me for the AP, moved out, as she said she would, and started the divorce process.

How does this affect you? If you can't R then it seems like you should do what is best for you and your kids. Everyone I have spoken with tells me to divorce, but I'm scared to do that to my kids, and my parents divorced under similar circumstances.

On a side note, my WW and I just had an argument. She accused me of being rude and not being nice to her? I am a 6th grade teacher and an extremely calm person. She accused me of yelling at her yet I never raise my voice. I wish I had the guts to just sign off on a divorce. Maybe I will eventually. Keep us posted.

I am triggered constantly by her. It is hard the heal while living with a person that abused me for years.

I completely understand. Completely. After yesterday’s incident it took a check in with two or three friends and family for me to remember that this is how she manipulates (triggers)me.

Personally I think it’s good for you to vent. After reflecting on my relationship I have seen behavior that borders on emotional abuse. If you keep that bottled up it eats away at you.

Not sure if you have an IC but I recommend that. I know it sounds cliche but exercise and reading have helped a bit. I’ll try anything.

Some days it’s easier to resist and some days it’s harder but we can’t give up or give in anymore.