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I finally spoke to my husband today for the first time in almost two weeks. It’s been a brutal couple weeks as I’ve had no idea where we stood with each other. I’ve also been in a really terrible situation at work since he punched my AP in front of a few of my coworkers.

First off I asked him how he’s been doing. I do worry about him. I know it must sound odd that someone who hurt another person so badly can say they worry about him but I do. He said he’s a mess. He said he’s not going to apologize for what he did, that my AP deserved what he got and he’s lucky he didn’t get worse.

I didn’t want to push the point with him, but he’s very lucky that my boss was there the night he did this. My boss has always liked my husband as they are both former Marines. My boss was able to talk my AP out of pressing charges as he wasn’t hurt badly outside of a split lip. So I want my husband to know it was a stupid thing to do but right now things are so stressful that I don’t want to push it.

My husband surprised me by saying he realizes that he needs counseling. He made sure to tell me he’s not doing it for me but for himself. Because he can’t go on living in a state either constant anger or constant sadness. He also admitted he’s been drinking far too much. I said that was good to hear.

Then he brought up his revenge affair. He said that he was sorry for doing it. That he knows it didn’t do him any good and was as damaging as my affair. I asked him what his plans moving forward are. He said he’s been in contact with an attorney and suggested I need to do the same. But he’s still not sure he wants to divorce. He said that he still loves me but he knows there’s a long way to go before he can trust me again.

He asked what I wanted and I told him that my own trust in him has been broken as well. I asked if he was still seeing this woman he hooked up with and he said no. He’s also willing to give me his phone, computer and tablet and let me go through them. That is if he can look through mine. I agreed to this so at some point in the future we will do this.

I asked him if he ever read the letter I wrote him back in January and he admitted that he tore it up and threw it away. So I suggested that I write it again and maybe he could write me one too. As a way to tell each other everything that went on in our affairs. Not that we necessarily have to read them but as an exercise to get everything out. He agreed to do this.

I asked if I could maybe see him this weekend as I do miss him terribly and I am really worried about him. He said he thinks it’s best if we go no contact except for one conversation a week for now. He said it’s still painful to see me and I get the feeling he’s also embarrassed by his actions as well. I told him that I love him and am willing to do whatever I can. He said he feels the same but also said that’s there’s no guarantee that this is going to work.

[This message edited by JustPlainLost at 1:55 AM, Sunday, April 24th]

Hey JPL,

It's good you're not pushing him too much on being in contact. It's probably a good thing if both of you take the time needed to sort out your feelings and get some growth under your belt. Looks like you both need it.

Don't be too alarmed at the lawyer talk- it's good for both of you to know your options and what to expect should you both D.

Thank you! I am just happy to hear he’s going to get some counseling. The way he’s acted the last few months just isn’t the person I know, or thought I knew. And I realize that my actions are the reason that his life has been spiraling the way it has. I have a lot of guilt for this.

I’ve also made peace with the fact that our marriage is probably over. There is a small chance of reconciliation I guess. We both said that we love each other, even after all this so I guess that’s a start.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:14 AM, Saturday, May 7th]

How are you doing, JPL?

BraveSirRobin, thank you for asking. I haven’t posted or commented on quite a while. There hasn’t been much to say really. We at NC right now at my request. We were talking once a week but our last conversation was horrible as my husband called me drunk and said some really cruel things to me. I understand what I did and that I hurt him horribly but I can only take being called a wh*re and a c*nt so many time before I’m sick of it. As I understand it he has started IC and hasn’t had a drink since the beginning of May. I too have been seeing a therapist and am trying hard to understand the reasons for my actions.

My husband is also facing some issues because he assaulted my AP but I’m not sure what’s going to happen with that. It’s cause tremendous stress for me at work since now everyone there knows what happened. Also my sister in law called me and basically ripped me apart over the phone. Backstory is that she was my friend before I met her brother and she feels as if I betrayed her as badly as I did him. So that’s another relationship that I’ve probably ruined forever.

Anyway, I asked for NC with my husband for at least sixty days. We are about a month into that. I’m not sure what’s going to happen after that. We’ve both spoken to lawyers but haven’t filed for divorce. I know he’s said he doubts he will ever be able to trust me again. He also said he doesn’t t consider his RA cheating because I destroyed our marriage by cheating first. That was said during his drunken call to me last time we spoke. I don’t know if he meant that as he has expressed that he was sorry for doing it when we spoke when he was sober.

He also said he doesn’t t consider his RA cheating because I destroyed our marriage by cheating first. That was said during his drunken call to me last time we spoke. I don’t know if he meant that as he has expressed that he was sorry for doing it when we spoke when he was sober.

He probably meant both things when he said them. Unfortunately, BS are not immune to wayward thought patterns. Resentment creates entitlement; guilt sparks self-justification; fear manifests as hostility. You hit him in the deepest, most vulnerable part of himself, and like a wounded animal, all he knows to do is claw back at his attacker. That doesn't make it okay, or something you're obligated to endure, but it may make it more forgivable.

Is it possible to rebuild trust? It could be. A lot will depend on your ability to be absolutely honest with each other, even when it scares the everloving crap out of you. Some of it probably depends on why you started your affair and why you ended it. As painful as his infidelity is to you, it's not mysterious or unfathomable. Have you made any progress on what led you to cheat? Why did the affair end, given that apparently neither you nor the AP got caught?