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Do they not have "Honor thy father and thy mother" in your particular religious denomination??

It seems to me that if your religion is important to you as a family, that ALL parts of it would be important. If you believe you can never remarry again, etc. if your husband leaves you, do you not believe that your children are choosing sin in their flagrant disrespect? Where did "hate the sin and love the sinner" go?

It doesn't matter what you did, your children are STILL subject to your guidance and your discipline if they are underage. It's actually a comfort to them when the structure is holding. You would do well to enforce discipline.

I truly hope your kids stay as perfect as they obviously feel they are now, and never need grace from anyone.

Sakura

No excuse for disrespecting one's parents - but your children are devastated.

As time goes on, they will mellow.

In the meantime, just keep being Mom.

Sakura2:An honest reflection of myself?

I would say I'm a "good" person again Calvinist blush

But Im very passive,

and then followed up with this--

Sakura2: To clarify something for everyone. This:

I would say I'm a "good" person again Calvinist blush

Was a joke. Hence the quotations around good.

Do you often use humor as a coping mechanism in uncomfortable situations? Trying to understand why you would joke when attempting to create an honest reflection of yourself? (no need to answer, maybe just something to think about)

As to you being passive within yourself (as opposed to being "outspoken" when it comes to your faith and/or others)-- Do you mean to say that you have a hard time speaking up for your own wants & needs? Did you possibly feel that it was time to take something for yourself? Or maybe you're saying that you've fallen into the trap of constant people-pleasing and have a hard time differentiating within yourself when it's okay to deny others (possibly at the sake of keeping yourself safe)? Or, maybe you've been passive for so long that you just found yourself not giving a rat's ass for anyone but yourself? So many possibilities. Could be something to look at further with your therapist.

Keep working, and remember to be kind to yourself.

Many times you've mentioned that you feel "why" is making excuses. I can tell you from my experience, "why" is what gave us a chance.

Not the surface why that you have mentioned attention. Everyone likes attention, its a basic human need. That isn't Why you were unfaithful.

Finding your why, is a strong indicator that you now have an understanding of what got you to this point, understanding what got you to this point is the best indicator that you can prevent it from happening again.

Ultimately thats what all BS fear most, giving this person another chance only to get burnt again.

I get the impression that you actually have an idea of why, I get the impression that you are scared to admit that to yourself because it will alter who you believe yourself to be, which explains why you have resistance to really dig.

True introspection is a must, however its very difficult. None of us wants to be the villain of our stories, right? But sometimes we are. Understanding this to be the truth is the only way to truly modify our behavior.

Don't be afraid to find the real you and your real motivation. Even if that person is slightly different than the person you now believe yourself to be. She may be even more awesome in the end.

ChamomileTea

Yes we still have the ten commandments

You seem to be trying.

If you have time for another book, consider "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring.

It lays out the concept of earned forgiveness. I think you could benefit from this. Your husband will likely not forgive you in my opinion. But you can at least take the necessary steps for recompense and become a better person for yourself.

I'm still early in therapy and I don't mean to ignore your posts I'm just thinking about them. I know I'm the villain here, believe me. Not to be defensive just saying. Though me pointing that out is defensive. You know what I mean. For my why's I liked the attention of a man other than my husband, all I think about is why I could've done this. I think that is the main reason but my real why (I don't know how I didn't see this before) was I felt bad for him. Naturally to make him feel better when I first see him I suck his dick. I just realized this earlier today I don't know how I didn't see it before. What a stupid reason. Sorry I'm not doing well with this

Hi there Sakura2,

Welcome to SI. You've talked a bit about "why" being "just an excuse". Based on what you wrote here, I think more nuance might be helpful. This statement

For my why's I liked the attention of a man other than my husband, all I think about is why I could've done this. I think that is the main reason but my real why (I don't know how I didn't see this before) was I felt bad for him.

talks about the reasons that you felt tempted to cheat. They are not the reasons you followed through.

That is what you will need to dig down on if you want to become someone who never does this again. The question to ask is "Why was hurting and harming my BS, my kids and my own integrity an acceptable price to pay for having the feelings I wanted (or staving off feelings I didn't want to have) in the moment?"

It takes a long time to loosen and untangle the knots. Sometimes it feels like you're going back over the same ground again and again. After a time though you see that it's less going in circles and more like an upward spiral. You cover the same ground but see it from new, more encompassing perspective with each pass. The 2-5 year healing timeline realistic. Also, the work never really ends.

I know you're in crisis mode right now but the sooner you can start looking at this as a long term brain rewiring project that will benefit you and everyone you are in relationship with, regardless of the outcome of your marriage, the better off you (and everyone you care about) will be.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 10:47 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]

Sakura, it doesn't need to be so literal unless a family member/mentor taught you to cheer others up by performing oral sex. And if so, I'm deeply sorry for that and hope you talk more with your IC about it. Assuming that is not the case, perhaps you're attracted to people you feel bad for. Maybe it's about being needed. Maybe it's patting yourself on the back for brightening his day or getting attention from that angle of it. Maybe you thought he deserved you cheering him up in that way. Point is - there is much more going on here than seeing a guy, liking him, feeling bad for him, and sucking his dick. There's something deeper in why you chose him and why you put him before your husband, family, and mortal soul despite the steep consequences.

I'm just easy ruined our family for nothing, hurt my husband for it, when I told him no literal knife in his back could've shown the hurt on his face more than my words and my actions did. Hurt and traumatized our children all for dick

Naturally to make him feel better when I first see him I suck his dick.

I'm just easy ruined our family for nothing, hurt my husband for it, when I told him no literal knife in his back could've shown the hurt on his face more than my words and my actions did. Hurt and traumatized our children all for dick

These don't sound like the words of a WS. These sound like the words of a (justifiably) angry and traumatized BS. Is your husband speaking Sakura or are you?

I'm just easy ruined our family for nothing, hurt my husband for it, when I told him no literal knife in his back could've shown the hurt on his face more than my words and my actions did. Hurt and traumatized our children all for dick

This is such a bullshit response. I've vomited out this same kind of bullshit myself when I wanted to shut the conversation down. If you have no intention of doing anything but spouting your BS's talking points, stop wasting people's time. If you're interested in doing actual work on yourself, then pick up a fucking shovel and start digging on the pile.

Conviction. Valor. Truth.

Good luck.

Hurt and traumatized our children all for dick

Sakura, those words have to be straight out of your BH's mouth. The were nearly word for word what my BH told me upon discovery.

What are the words in your head? You can hide behind the scarlet letter all you want. Be passive and accept the lazy explanation that you, "naturally" suck other men's dicks to comfort them. You can passively accept this and then continue to do what dick sucking whores do. I mean, you're damned already right?

Or... you could dig deeper than what labels others are throwing at you. Take an active role in figuring out where A came from. Find the hole in your heart, test its shape and then fill it with something wholesome. It is possible to wash His feet with your tears and clean them with your own hair and be forgiven and honored by Him. But it's not going to happen if you continue to hide in the back alleys of your mind, calling yourself a whore.

Shed some light on this. Step out from under the labels. Who are you really? Why did you really do this? There's more to you than being some whore who sucks dick.

Sakura2: I'm just easy ruined our family for nothing, hurt my husband for it, when I told him no literal knife in his back could've shown the hurt on his face more than my words and my actions did. Hurt and traumatized our children all for dick

Okay, so you feel you ruined your family for dick. There is some truth in that. I, for one, am okay with your own blunt wording.

IMO, seeing the fault in your actions and admitting that it was not worth the consequences is part of healing.

What else have you learned about yourself, or the situation, that helps you understand your path to infidelity?

I felt bad for him. Naturally to make him feel better when I first see him I suck his dick.

Personally, I find this troubling. I spent the better part of my life being a people pleaser, often to my own detriment. If someone I knew felt bad about something, I too tried to cheer them up. I would make them dinner, or baked some cookies, or went out for a drink with them. Thinking that you need to suck someone's dick to cheer them up is the farthest thing from natural I can think of.

I can't help but wonder where you learned this response to someone being unhappy. You've only been with your husband until your affair according to your post. Have you told your IC this?

This is all I've learned about my why's. I don't get it, I'm not working hard enough but I think about it so hard I give myself headaches. Something isn't clicking for me.

This is all I've learned about my why's. I don't get it, I'm not working hard enough but I think about it so hard I give myself headaches. Something isn't clicking for me.

If you want to rewire your brain, you can't use the same thinking you have now. That is the thinking that got you to where you are now. The brain rewire requires learning how to identify whatever distorted thinking you are employing, seeing how it manifests in your words and deeds and then making a conscious effort to catch those behaviors when they are happening. You slow down and make a different choice in the moment. Again, and again, and again. Over many repetitions, the old infrastructure is torn down or repurposed and the new thought processes begin to feel more natural. It does take a long time though.

So. How do you figure out what your distorted thinking is with the brain wiring you have right now?

First, start getting educated about shame because, sister, if you're believing those things to be true about yourself, then you are deep in shame. It's not just you. So many people employ dysfunctional coping behavior to try to stave off feelings of shame. I know I did, loads. And learning about shame and vulnerability was a game changer. You can read about shame in "I thought it was just me (but it isn't)" by Brene Brown. I think this was the first work she published on shame and vulnerability (in 2007). It was a major reframe for me. What a huge relief to learn that not only were the problems caused by staying stuck in shame very common (not just me), this woman had studied them in depth and had come up with a blueprint for learning how to be shame resilient by embracing vulnerability.

Second, start getting some tools in your tool kit to help you deal with difficult feelings in a way that is wholesome instead of destructive. An example would be the crummy feeling of feeling sorry for AP. I don't know if you have any experience with meditation. It's a great tool for learning how to get some distance between you and your mind chatter, and how to sit with difficult feelings as they come and go without having to react in some way to just shut them down. This is a good life skill to have, regardless.

Just doing those would be a good start.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Strength and courage to you from this EvolvingSoul.

My husband stopped the divorce today because he says it's unfair to have it over my head. That I at least understand what I need to do but I feel like I'm tricking him. I understand what I need to do but I don't, I've told him this and he says that all I can do is try, it can't get any worse. He says it with pain in his eyes but with a smile. I don't mean to repeat myself again and again I just wanted to write it somewhere.

Evolving I've read your post a couple dozen times. I am in deep shame but I don't understand how I couldn't be. If I didn't have a soul? I joke but not really. This is shame I earned