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Hi everyone. I posted in the wayward side but thought it maybe more fair if I post here so anyone can reply.

I had an affair - my wife found countless messages. She thinks I deleted my AP number. It’s still in my phone..does this symbolise that it’s not over and that I want to reach out to my AP again in the future?
Sorry if these questions sound ridiculous, I’m just trying to sort my head and want to hear from people on here.

Captain Obvious says yes, it doesn't just "symbolize" you want to reach out to your AP in the future, it indicates you plan to. If you truly want to go No Contact, delete the number.

If you were an alcoholic, why would you keep a bottle of booze in the house?

My WH will never cut ties with his AP. It's a constant source of conflict for us. It's a huge barrier to restoring the trust in our relationship. But her number is memorized in his brain for all eternity. Deleting it would not be all that reassuring, although it would symbolize an intent. I would advising deleting that number. Why keep it?

Thanks, I know I’m pushing boundaries by asking what seems like a dumb question, I just feel like my head is all over the place and I’ve come here for people to point out the obvious.
Keeping the number and never using is just no sense whatsoever right

Yeah if you are hanging onto a phone number after you hurt the one you are supposed to love the rest of your life, at the risk of hurting them more, you have to really ask why you feel it is okay to hurt someone that much over and over again? Why do you think that is okay? What makes you so special that you can trash another persons life in probably the worst way possible? Are you some sort of super hero? Does the rest of the world owe you this? Or are you simply just so evil that you like others in pain? Or just evil enough it does not matter to you? As long as you do this make no mistake. You are a immortal piece of slime no matter what you think you need. Just being honest.

@losthusband - I understand why you wrote that and thank you for your comment.

@climatechange. - sorry you are going through this and I hope your situation improves. Can I ask something if it’s not too personal - for you as a BS - if your husband kept the number that shows that he is still invested in the AP, yes?

Yeah, with all due respect, it is a pretty dumb question. What is the benefit of keeping the number? What do you stand to lose if your wife finds out you still have it? What do YOU think it means?

Edit to add: Betrayeds can post in the wayward section as long as there is no stop sign.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 6:44 PM, Monday, May 23rd]

Dude, you're asking us? Why DID you keep it? Are you hoping to keep a door to her open? Do you WANT to contact her again once the coast is clear with your wife?

From a general BS's perspective, yes, there is intent that you want contact with the AP in the future. You seem like you don't want to let go of her just yet.

Genuinely asking, why else won't you delete AP's number right now?

Keeping any momentos, which would include the number from your affair partner (AP), is a really cruel thing to do to your spouse, but it also is something that indicates in the back of your psyche that you aren't all the way in. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you will ever think about calling or texting the AP, that means you are not all-in, you are still in a sense betraying your spouse by lying to them.

There is no sense in keeping the number. AP is not a good partner for you, not now, not ever. You should want nothing to do with her, because all she did is work with you to destroy your marriage and maybe her own. There is no relationship you can start with AP at any point that would ever be on a genuine and honest grounds. If you are worried about your wife dropping you from her life and ending up divorced and alone, those are the consequences of your actions.

Thank you for the honest and direct posts - I don’t want to upset anyone by asking things, so I’m so sorry if I am it’s truely not my intention.

Part of me is worried about hurting her by deleting/blocking her. Our main method of contact was via WhatsApp and you can tell if you have been blocked. However, this shouldn’t matter should it

You're worried about hurting her, but not your wife?

Part of me is worried about hurting her by deleting/blocking her. Our main method of contact was via WhatsApp and you can tell if you have been blocked. However, this shouldn’t matter should it

I assure you that the "hurt" you cause your AP by cutting out them from your life, like the tumor they are, will be far less in magnitude and scale than the hurt you inflicted on your BS.

You should have a very succinct NC message, if you haven't already, something along the lines of:

AP (name),

The relationship that we had was wrong and must end. I am going to be working with my wife to try and repair the damage I have done to her and my marriage. I do not wish to speak or ever hear from you again. Any and all attempt to contact me will be shared immediately with my wife. We ask that you respect our desire for no contact and understand that you will be blocked from all forms of contact (phone, email, Whatsapp, etc.)

Signed,

throwaway

That is all you have to do. No explanation needed. End the relationship. No letting them down easy or worrying about their feelings. If you must, wipe your phone completely and lose that number, email, etc. I went full further and nuked all my social media. When I wanted to have a Twitter, which by the way I never used Twitter for any contact, I registered a completely new handle with a new email address. My wife knows what I follow on Twitter is sports and news stuff.

Your concern for the AP's feelings and the fact you have not deleted her number indicates you are still cheating emotionally and you have not ended the affair.

I’m reading your answers and understand everyone. Thank you - keeping it and never using is still keeping the door open, speaking or not doesn’t it

If you wish to have a successful reconciliation with your spouse, you need to cut ties with the AP in all ways-mental, emotional, physical. You need to redirect your energy and attention to your spouse. There is no reason for you to keep the AP's contact on your phone unless you hope to contact her in the future. You are deceiving yourself and your spouse. If your spouse found out you kept the AP's contact, it will cause a lot of pain. Do what is right.

Simply put, yes.

Yep. Ditto what everyone else has said. I would have divorced my husband if he didn't delete any and all contact info he had on his AP. A condition of our R was NO CONTACT and NO CONTACT INFORMATION.
He threw everything out (cards, letters, stupid Xmas tree ornament) Everything she ever gave him was destroyed and all her contact info was deleted.
Keeping AP's contact info just tells me you aren't done with her yet and keeping that door open for the future.
If I were your wife and found out that you still had your AP's number I would be more than PISSED.

Take out the garbage. That includes the AP's number.

I’m reading your answers and understand everyone. Thank you - keeping it and never using is still keeping the door open, speaking or not doesn’t it

throwaway,

If you haven't, I would highly suggest you look into getting a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Fair by author Linda MacDonald.

Chapter 4 in particular, I just pulled it up to skim through it, it addresses this in better detail than we could here. She ends the chapter with this, "Rebuilding a marriage is impossible when a third party is dangling in the wings. You need to have both feet firmly planted back into your marriage if it is to have any chance of surviving. Allow no backdoors."

Keeping the APs number is a backdoor. Furthermore, if there any tokens/mementos of the affair that you have, they all need to be given to your wife for her to decide what to do with them. My wife brought me all sorts of shit that I couldn't believe this guy had bought her. I boxed as much of it as I could up and shipped it across the country to him, but the rest of it went to Goodwill or I burned in my Big Green Egg.

You really do not need what’s app unless you are being greesy. All this shit was invented for people to scuffle around in the dark

You really do not need what’s app

Outside the USA, texting is almost nonexistent, instead WhatsApp is the dominant platform for messaging. My wife is from outside the USA, and the only way that I say in touch with her brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews is through there. Additionally, my brother married a woman from outside the USA as well, same thing, We use WhatsApp to keep in touch as a family, I split my time between WA and the iMessage app on my phone. I get how WhatsApp can be used to skirt regular order from text messages and phone calls, but there are plenty of legitimate uses of it that do not involve cheating.