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While discussing with BS about triggers and the constant bad thoughts that she is suffering from, she mentioned a time, when I still had my head firmly up my ass, when I said my AP was easy to talk to and I found it difficult to speak to BS. So many wrongs in one sentence...Fast forward to now (skipping past other idiotic things I have said) and every time I do not talk about my feelings or try to supress an emotion, BS is immediately triggered back to this statement and the thought of "if you could open up to her, why not me?" A statement that I no longer agree with and even at the I really knew it was not true, it's what I chose to believe as one of my justifications.

I'm curious to her what other things a WS has said which was incredibly selfish, stupid, damaging that was both not true and has emotional consequences years down the line.

I’m not sure if this is what you’re after but

All of the various lies I told myself before and during my A. AP was my soulmate, an affair was no big deal, my wife wouldn’t care, my wife really didn’t love me anyway etc.

Now all of these years later, I still trigger in a way when I think about that time. My thinking has shifted so dramatically since then it’s hard to fathom that I actually embraces those ideas.

Still makes me sick.

Oh, God. I used one of the all time stupidest: "If you knew him, you would like him." OM and BH had several interests in common that I didn't share. Of course, OM was also interested in helping me savagely betray BH.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 4:27 AM, Sunday, June 19th]

"you were always working ... i was lonely."

ETA: that above statement just looks so naked standing there all alone. it's interesting to me, now years away from the affair, that i have said those words prior to the affair, after d-day, and even as recently as last year (i'm lonely ... you work so many hours). the difference, is that i now know how to properly recognize my H's sacrifice in working hard for the family (thankyou! and happy father's day to my H), and i also know how to appropriately handle my own loneliness (and don't look for others to "fill me up" or make me happy). i thought it was important to add those thoughts.

[This message edited by sundance at 3:19 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

the difference, is that i now know how to properly recognize my H's sacrifice in working hard for the family (thankyou! and happy father's day to my H), and i also know how to appropriately handle my own loneliness

This is a great point. Dealing with relationship stressors in a healthy manner is a huge sign of progress. Whatever we chose as our justifications that we used to allow ourselves to commit the infidelity may happen again...As in your case, your BS working long hours. No longer using this as an excuse for wayward behaviour, instead acknowledging the feelings coming from this and making them into a positive.

I'm doing reading into "negative self talk" and "positive self talk". Quite simple in theory...More difficult in practice

Oh gosh.

"Why are you so distant, I thought we had a good weekend" (no idea about trauma, let's just get back to acting normal)
"I just wanted to feel loved" (as if all the hundreds of things my h did over the years meant nothing at all. He could just lie to me like the AP and apparently I would have felt loved )
"You wouldn't listen to me about how unhappy I was" (Oh poor baby, and I am not even sure I tried to express this in a way that another human could have understood)
"You only care about making money' (shame on him for trying to be a good provider)

I could go on. I was very stupid.

"Why are you so distant, I thought we had a good weekend"

Oh crikey...Yeah, I would get annoyed if BS was quiet after we had a nice weekend. Thinking that can she not just let it go for a day or two!!!

I told BS that AP was such an amazing dad. I said this at a time when he and our 3 (now 4 year old) did not get along. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[This message edited by TryingToFixWhatIBroke at 2:08 AM, Sunday, June 26th]

I told you this before

There's a similar thread active elsewhere in the forums right now, and I can't get over how many of those stupid things I said and truly believed at the time.

Does stupid acts fall into this at all?

I was friends with my AP on FB. At the time, my wife didn’t have an account. My AP and I would tag each other in posts. I would even write some pithy declaration using her initials as part of the sentence. I would capitalize them so she would know the garbage I spewed was directed at her.

Makes me absolutely sick now but at the time I was in lurve. 🤮🤮