SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I know the answer before even posting this but antagonizing my STBXW AP isn’t going to get me anywhere I assume. They’re both in a local cocktail group. I’m not friends on Facebook with either of them but I found this cocktail group and decided to poke the bear. I commented about leaving kids behind and using married women for money and about how tough the guy presents himself. I was sarcastic and provoking but kept it vague but obvious it was about him. Eventually he said he was dumb enough to "take this to the street". I suppose to keep things calm with my son and ex I should be the bigger person but I’ve never even had that level of communication with the guy and it did feel good to tell him personally he’s a loser. Any thoughts.

Did you use a dummy account? Or your regular one? Did they know it was you?

(None of this matters. I'm just curious)

Do yourself a favor. Block them both. Devoting any mental energy to them only hurts you. When you get the urge to look, distract yourself. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Post your feelings here. Anything but contact with those two.

This stuff is really hard. I'm sorry for your pain. I still stalk on occasion, out of curiosity. I am emotionally detached, so it doesn't level me; but it's not healthy for me either. It's pointless.

The best revenge is moving on and ignoring them.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:58 PM, Friday, June 24th]

Thank you. I used my name. He knew it was me. It was immature but I think this guy is such a loser and totally classless I wanted to tell him. I agree though that it’s not productive to focus on him really.

You doing things like that also strokes their egos. Some people get a kick out of getting a reaction from you. Doesn't matter what type of reaction - good, bad, ugly - it still feeds their ego that they have that type of power over you. The best thing to do is go NC.

I totally get feeling that way. Completely understandable.

But.

I looked at it like this when I was in that head space - ANY attention or comments I gave to the ap would make her feel important. Any attention would let her know that she was still front and center in my thoughts. Any attention would stroke her pathetic little ego. ANY attention I paid her would give to her while taking from me.

Fuck that noise. She took enough from me. She doesn't get to take my here and now too.

It was really hard at first, but it got easier with time. Delete/block and don't waste any more energy commenting on the ap because he's still a loser whether you tell him so or not. I know it's tough, but give that energy to YOURSELF - you deserve it, he doesn't.

Thank you EllieKMAS and Leafields. I do know better. Actually until yesterday I was very minimal contact. She had been texting about our son and house but I just gave one word answers. I could tell she wanted to talk more because she kept texting and trying to joke with me over text. I can definitely see when I don’t give her any attention she craves it. Part of me needed to say something directly to the AP. They’re both to blame for their lies and actions but I feel I needed to tell him some things. I was sarcastic and vague but said things about using married women and leaving children behind. He was definitely angry. I won’t continue but wanted to do it once directly with him and not just telling my wife he is a loser.

You only lower yourself closer to (though not all the way to) their level when you engage with them in that way. You also stroke their egos, as it shows them that they're still important enough for you to care about.

OP, turn your back and walk away. It's the best thing for you. You'll be able to move on and feel better, and they'll always be stuck with their sorry selves.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:25 AM, Saturday, June 25th]

I hope it felt good to poke at them.

Now it may be best to walk away.

Don’t follow them or remain friends etc. so you can see their posts. Go no contact as much as you can.

I get it. Honestly, I don't think, generally speaking, there is anything wrong with telling an AP exactly what you think of them.

If this person had robbed your house, no one would fault you for telling them off. Or if they had insulted/hurt your child, no one would judge you for picking up the phone and putting a proverbial boot in their ass.

I think people who do bad things ought to be called out.

Now that you've done it, move on as everyone has suggested. Based on your posting history / story, it seems vital now that you grey rock, 180, block and otherwise disconnect from this mess. It's been holding you down and you need to free yourself.

But I hope telling that jerk what a jerk he is made you feel seen and heard for a few minutes.

Thanks Morningglory, The 1st Wife, and The Emd. It felt good for a minute but I dwelled on it the rest of the day and then took my son to a movie that night. Unfortunately I was so focused on the exchange that when the movie ended I immediately took out my phone to see if there were new replies and I left an expensive jacket in the theater and it was taken and not turned in. This is a sign to probably not focus on them but on myself l.