Topic is Sleeping.
JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 2:35 AM on Friday, July 1st, 2022
So after we have been no contact for almost two months I reached out to my husband via text this afternoon. Just to say that I hope he’s doing well and that if he’d like to speak to me I am here for him. The NC was my idea as he was really angry the last time we spoke and said some very mean and hurtful things to me. I understand his anger at my betrayal but there’s only so many times I can be called names before I got angry myself so I felt it was best if we went NC for a while.
He didn’t respond to my text and I figured that he never would, but to my surprise he called me this evening. Our conversation was so awkward at first. And it hurts so bad that it’s almost like talking to a stranger at this point. How has it come to this?
So I told him some stuff about my IC. I’ve been going since January and I feel like I’ve had a few realizations about myself. I’ve always been really insecure about myself. I’m also too eager to please other people and have never been good at setting boundaries. I’ve also battled depression off and on for years. I think a lot of these things helped feed into my affair. I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying that I feel a lot of this stuff contributed to my decision making.
He listened to what I had to say. He kind of sighed and asked me "Why? Why did you do this? What did I do to deserve this?" I told him that flat out my affair had nothing to do with him. Nothing to do with how he treated me or how I felt about him as a lover or a man or a husband. None of that. Yes we fought about money but I used that as a way to vilify him in my mind to justify to myself what I was doing.
He said something that hurt me so badly, even though I don’t think he meant it to hurt. He said that he feels like he’s in hell because he still loves me but he doesn’t know if he can trust me. Plus he knows he’s shattered my trust in him by having a revenge affair.
He said he’s ashamed of himself for doing what he did and he doesn’t know why he thought it would make him feel better because he feels like he’s a piece of sh*t for doing it. Well I told him that it hurts me that he did it. I know it seems hypocritical for me to tell him he hurt me after what I did but it’s the truth and the only thing that’s going to save us is total honesty from this point forward.
He talked a little about his therapy but I still get the feeling he’s almost embarrassed that he’s going to IC. I want him to know there’s nothing to be embarrassed about but I can also tell he’s still not real comfortable talking about it yet.
So we agreed that Saturday morning we’re going to meet for a cup of coffee and to talk about what we’re going to do moving forward. I’m not going into this sit down with any great expectations but it will be nice to see his face again. These last two months have given me some perspective and I realize how much I really do miss him.
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 11:51 AM on Friday, July 1st, 2022
I hope the two of you have a good productive conversation and find a way to heal whether it is together or apart.
It is very difficult not to have any expectations but it is a great way to go into the conversation! Good luck!
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
sundance ( member #72129) posted at 1:35 PM on Friday, July 1st, 2022
So we agreed that Saturday morning we’re going to meet for a cup of coffee and to talk about what we’re going to do moving forward. I’m not going into this sit down with any great expectations but it will be nice to see his face again. These last two months have given me some perspective and I realize how much I really do miss him.
this is most excellent news! rooting for you and your H. i'm hoping you both can keep the conversation focused on the present/future. i'm hoping you both can enjoy being in the moment with each other. i'm hoping you both can stay humble, kind, and loving during your coffee together!
do tell him how nice it is to see his face!!
i hope for you. hugs, sunny
Rusty: You scared?Linus: You suicidal?Rusty: Only in the morning.
BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 3:21 AM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022
Thank you for checking in, JPL. Wishing you the best of luck tomorrow morning.
JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 5:28 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022
Thank you to all who have commented here. We met for coffee and it went well. A couple things as I’m only going to comment here briefly and make a longer post later on. He looked good, like he’s been taking care of himself again. A little gray in his beard now which I guess is understandable. But he said he hasn’t had a drink since that night he called me drink and raging at me.
He asked if I’m doing okay, he worried about my mental health. I guess this is a good sign that he still cares. I assured him I’m doing as good as can be expected and that I’m taking care of myself.
He said he’s still seeing a therapist and feels it’s helping him deal with his anger issues and even if things end between us he’ll continue seeing her because there’s a lot of childhood trauma in his past that he’s never dealt with.
As far as our relationship, well I’ll post a longer post later buuut it seems that we are going to try to fight for this to work out. Neither of us made any promises except to say that we each will give it 100% to try to heal. He already made a unilateral move job wise that he absolutely didn’t have to do but it shows me that he wants to at least try to save our marriage.
He wrote me a letter which I haven’t read yet. I’m not sure what’s in it but he said there may be things that aren’t pleasant for me to read but he assures me he didn’t write it to hurt me. He just wants me to understand his pain and to also come clean about what went on in his revenge affair. He said he makes me excuses for what he did and acknowledged that it was wrong and he’s a cheater now too. I think his therapy really is helping him.
As I said I will make a longer post later and more than likely it will be in the reconciliation forum as I believe today we took the first small steps in a long process of reconciliation.
TryingToFixWhatIBroke ( new member #80391) posted at 9:14 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022
That’s wonderful news JPL! I look forward to reading your post in the R forum. I really hope things work out for you two!
sundance ( member #72129) posted at 2:44 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022
wishing you and your H the very best! remember to run towards JOY! xoxo, sunny
Rusty: You scared?Linus: You suicidal?Rusty: Only in the morning.
DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 3:07 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022
I am so happy to hear of the possible R for you and your husband! Wishing you all the best. I hope your marriage can be restored, rebuilt, and revitalized. Please keep us posted.
Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP
JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 3:11 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022
Hi everyone I did post a longer post on the reconciliation forum. This morning I woke up hopeful for the first time in months. I know it’s a long process but at least there’s hope now.
Plus: my husband sent me a good morning text this morning! This was something he’d do regularly on days when he left for work before I was awake. Well this was the first one since last November and it made me smile.
He said “Good morning. It really was good to see you yesterday. Please take good care of yourself and have a safe Fourth.”
It makes me feel sad because of his time in the Marines and some of the things he went through he had difficulty dealing with fireworks. It makes me sad he’s going to deal with it alone this year.
[This message edited by JustPlainLost at 3:15 PM, Sunday, July 3rd]
Topic is Sleeping.
