SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes. I understand that what I did was horrible. I cheated on and shattered my husband. I take full ownership of what I did. But some of the comments and looks I get from people. I have to deal with the fact that my parents are disappointed with me and my relationship with them is damaged. They don’t say much but I can tell in their attitude toward me. It’s hard enough.

But I’ve also had to hear from my sister that "You cheated first so how can you blame *husband’s name* for what he did?" This was in response to me tearfully telling her that he slept with another woman after I moved out of the house. Then just today I was on the phone with her and made a remark about going to our cousin’s engagement party. And she says "Well we all know how important marriage vows are to you." Then tries to laugh it off but it was like a knife in the gut.

I was going to make a post about dealing with the other relationships that are damaged from an affair. My relationships with my parents and siblings is definitely suffering. My sister in law was my friend before I met her brother. She introduced us. Now she has totally cut me out of her life and hasn’t spoken to me in months. I have no idea if I’ll ever repair that relationship. She and my husband had a pretty rough childhood and are really close because of it. They have two half brothers who they have a relationship with but aren’t as close to. I don’t think my husband told his brothers what’s been happening. All they know is we’ve been "having problems" and I’ve moved out.

As far as my husband goes, we will be having our weekly cup of coffee Sunday morning and maybe we can talk about some of this stuff. We’ve tried to keep our conversations light but this kind of stuff is unavoidable I guess.

Hi JPL,

This is the hardest thing to take sometimes. Its like that "find out who your friends are" song, especially if you have friends like I did who werent all entitled cheaters. Some will tell you plainly that you disgust them (like my dad in law) and others will treat you like youre just a random guest on the jerry springer show.

Youre not alone. This part of our deal really sucks. I am in a small Catholic school community and the cat definitely got out of the bag. I guarantee you that if I (who am not a part of the country club crew) heard about so and so becoming an alcoholic and ooooooh did you hear about their coke and spending problems? who is to say that just about everyone knows.

I mean, really... judgy people judge themselves first, find themselves greatly lacking and then proceed to belittle others to build themselves back up. I mean, sheesh, I was 12 when jerry springer was popular. Back then I could feel something off about the audience and felt skeezy about myself just watching those peoples trainwreck.

There is hope though. One of Hs good friends wives (we are friends too, but our Hs are practically besties) randomly invited me out for drinks tonight. That almost never happens that I get invited out. I am watching the kids while H is out with his buddies drinking, so I couldnt go though

As for you BH sleeping with someone else... not sure what the rules and boundaries you guys set were. Its gut wrenching though, finding out another woman has been in your bed and fucking him. Definitely complicates things if you guys are considering R. I mean, he was likely not doing it to hurt you, but to discover whether there was anything about himself that was still attractive to women in general. Thats what I was thinking when I decided to get into my A. My H had compared me negatively to other women in our social group for so many years, and one of our closer friends in particular, that I figured I must have been the worst possible woman out there. So, yeah, him sleeping with another woman during your S may be him trying to find out if he has a manhood somewhere to offer a woman. Any woman. Thats just how bad this shit is.

Your sister sounds like a toxic brat. My sisters told me what I did was horrible, no mistake. However, I never heard that derogatory nasty tone coming out of their mouths at me after the affair. What they have said behind my back... who knows? And this is coming from someone whose sister was abusive!

Your parents are going through a tough time dealing with this. Someone they thought they knew, their beloved daughter, has died to them. Infidelity is a major blow to the image they cherished of you since you were a child.

As for you SIL, it may be best ti give her space, answer her questions truthfully and let her come to you when she is ready. If you do see her, apologize for what you did that caused her pain. Dont ask her to forgive you, that may sound mercenary in your apology. There may he no salvaging of the original friendship you guys had, but there is hope that you can reach a state of civil cooperation if you and your WH manage to reconcile.

Im sorry youre experiencing this. I am still living under a rock for the most part because of this too.y social circle has shrunk enormously, I ha e lost many good friends and frankly am terrified of letting anyone new in beyond acquaintance.

Just another thing we have destroyed with our As. Doesnt mean we have to remain like this, but sometimes in the first year and a half, I just wanted to crawl into a cave and never see anyone but my kids and dog again.

Wishing you a good coffee date. See if you guys can get ground rules about sexual partners- informing each other, not bringing them into the marital home, keep them out of the kids(?) Lives.

Best of luck.

((JPL))

I'm glad that you feel this forum is a safe place to come and share your pain. It's hard for people who haven't walked in a wayward's shoes to understand (or sometimes even care) what it feels like to not have a "right" to your anger or grief or fear. If your leg gets cut off, it will hurt regardless of who did it. The nuances of the injury are different when it's your own fault, but there's no anesthetic, at least not if you're genuinely remorseful.

Your situation is even tougher because you're a madhatter. Some people make excuses for cheating if it's a retaliatory affair. I do not, and it sounds like your MH (when sober) doesn't either. You need space to wear your BW hat. You may understand why he imagined that infidelity would be a solution to his problems, or even why he would do it to deliberately hurt you, but again, that doesn't take the pain away.

Healing takes time. And, unfortunately lots of pain...

I wish I had wiser words or a way to help the process but the reality is, nobody does. Stick with it, take one battle at a time and concentrate on yourself and your husband (ie. relationship/marriage). Once that's in a more stable condition you can start expending. The scars are always going to be there but I think time and effort can and will make a difference (it has in my marriage and in my relationship with my wife's family as well).

Hi and thanks to all who responded. Yes I agree that my sister is somewhat of a brat. But my parents spoiled both of us girls pretty much our whole lives. They were tougher on our brothers but I think that’s pretty normal in a Puerto Rican family.

Dealing with my parent’s disappointment in me is tough. So tough. They don’t say much about it but I can tell it’s there. I know some day I’m going to have to apologize to them because it wasn’t just my husband I betrayed. It was everyone in my life.

My SIL is another one. I agree I’m going to have to apologize to her, and give her space to either forgive me or not. I’m hoping that if my husband does end up forgiving me that she will too. Another case of collateral damage I’ve caused.

Now some thoughts I have on my husband and this other woman. I think that perhaps he felt emasculated by what I did and maybe he felt he needed to prove his manhood to himself? I haven’t really yet dug too much into his reasons with him. In his letter he did say he was angry and hurt and looking for a way to hurt me back. He at least admitted that part of his motivation.

Well we did have our coffee date this morning and he was withdrawn and seemed very sad. I didn’t want to push too much because I know this is hard for him. Am I naïve to think that if I hadn’t cheated first he never would have? I truly believe that. I really think that if we were to try and work this out he wouldn’t do it again. Maybe I’m just being naïve. So I didn’t push too much to talk about our future. Just told him it was nice to see him again and complimented him on how good he looks. He’s been hitting the gym pretty hard I guess and he does look great, he’s always been so handsome anyway.

So I told him that I have a job interview next week and I feel like I have a good chance of landing this and I’ll no longer have to stay at the place I met my AP. It’s a good thing because most of my coworkers are aware of what happened and I feel like that all talk about me. Anyway I feel like I’m just rambling now and today I’m going to try to spend the day with my mom and maybe repair some of the damage.

Good idea not pushing you H. Giving him space is a sign of respect. Just, let him know that you percieve he wants some distance so he doesnt assume you are backing off out of lack of interest.

Good for you spending time w your mom amd understanding she needs to heal too. My mom still doesnt know about my A unless my sisters told her. My mom is very unhealthy and really difficult and has been quite abusive lately to me, so, not signing up for more of that.

I think the whole idea of him not cheating if you didnt first is naive. Its a way to regain some control of a chaotic situation. We do have several madhatters who the WW went first, then the WH second. Hikingout is one of those and I suggest you read her posts.

Point is, you may have loaded the gun, but you didnt pick it up and shoot. Your H had it in him to cheat from the get go. There are so many BHs on this site who considered an RA but didnt pull the trigger. My H went on tinder and Catholic Match of all things

In the end, you unleashed a tidal wave of hurt, chaos and rejection (emasculation) into you Hs life by your A. He decided to turn around and fuck another woman as a method for coping. Unless you found him his AP and shoved her into his arms, you really and truly are NOT responsible for his decisions. Many rape victims do not go on to rape others. They have too much empathy to do so.

Something is very wrong in your H. You have precipitated his A with yours, but again, YOU didnt decide to have an RA, HE did.

The lovely thing sith you guys being MHs, you both get a double shit sandwich to chew on.

Theres a lot of good reading here, a MH thread in I can relate, ajd BSR and HO are both very experienced with this stuff.

You and your spouse both decided to have an affair. They don't happen by accident and they are the result of hundreds to thousands of choices that are made little by little. You didn't cause your husband to cheat no more than he caused you to cheat through his behavior.

Now, my wife and I are both wayward and betrayed spouses. It is and has not been easy. If you guys get to a point of reconciliation, you will have to wear both hats. Obviously for you both, the wounds are very fresh.

You mentioned the relationships damaged, yeah, there are going to be things that come out like that in the wash. I will say this, the folks in your life who are truly your friends and family, or I would say those who truly love you, will support you in whatever happens. So in the case of my best friend, who has been there since we were in elementary school, he was mad as hell for me that my wife cheated on me, but since I'm still with her and we have Reconciled, he hasn't at least to me been anything but completely supportive of my decision. Same for my mother, my brother and his wife, they are all in our corner, despite obviously taking up my side initially.

There will be time down the road for you and hour husband to repair relationships damaged by your affairs. That is part of the healing process for everyone impacted by your actions. I'm sorry that I'm not as familiar with your story, but what is the status of your situation? Have you gone no-contact with your AP? Have you provided your husband a detailed timeline of the affair? Have you started individual counseling for yourself, with the goal that you want to do the work to find out what was broken inside you to accept cheating?

Am I naïve to think that if I hadn’t cheated first he never would have? I truly believe that. I really think that if we were to try and work this out he wouldn’t do it again. Maybe I’m just being naïve.

I don't think it's naive. I can't say whether he would do it again, but I can say that in the time I've been here, there have been WS who inspired genuine hope in me and WS who inspired none. A MH who never showed any inclination to cheat until he was betrayed, and who has made life changes like sobriety in recognition that cheating diminished him, does not have the same steep road back as an unrepentant serial cheater.

Some waywards are, through nature or nurture, primed for infidelity no matter what the circumstances of their marriage. Some snap when they discover they've been cheated on and run for whatever solution makes them feel safe or powerful. Some are numbed by genuinely abusive marriages. It's not useful to make those distinctions when we first arrive here, because nuance so easily morphs into self-justification. No one can become a wayward without having something broken inside of them that allows them to trade integrity for validation. That's why we say that cheating is always about the cheater.

But just as there are some people who would never steal and others who think nothing of stealing, there are folks in the middle who can be swayed towards or away from poor choices by specific circumstances. It doesn't absolve them, but IMO, it is relevant in assessing their chances for redemption.

BraveSirRobin: Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I am certainly glad that he has stopped drinking. Before he found out about my affair he was a very casual drinker, weekends and holidays only type of thing. He started to drink heavily after he found out and it was another thing I had guilt over. He’s always tried so hard not to end up like his father who was an alcoholic and basically drank himself to death. He says he’s been without a drink or about six weeks I think he said? His father was also a cheater and I know that’s part of the reason this and all effected him so much.

Bor9455: Yes my husband and I are both in IC. I have had zero contact with my AP since before my husband found out about the affair. He changed jobs not long after we ended things between us. He still however had contact with coworkers of mine and I am leaving my current job very soon in order to avoid even having to hear about him in passing.