SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In general, I agree that kids need order and structure.

But..really?

Your son is being horribly abused by his father. Psychological abuse is as damaging as physical abuse. He's also being terribly neglected. Your daughter is completely ignored and neglected at his house. Eventually, he's going to start to punish her because he will see her as an extension of you. She will be "too much like her mother."

He is damaging these kids. He is abusing these kids.

But you're going to force them to spend every other week with him? Because they need structure?

You need to be fighting to get BOTH of these kids away from him..not trying to force them to spend time with him.

He's had your son for 3 weeks. And you've already had to call the cops on your own son. This will not get better in time. It will get worse.

Also..it's been in the news lately that stalkers are putting air tags in their victims car,home, etc. If you have an iPhone, I've read that there is an app you can download, that will check for any air tags around you. Might be something to look into.

Hellfire, I FULLY agree STBXH is a monster. My theory has been for ME to show the courts that I am willing to co-parent, communicate and encourage the kids to have a loving relationship so I can come out ahead as STBXH screws his custody up which he is doing. He won't communicate, he won't encourage visitation so these are all going into my arsenal of for full custody.

My kids are almost 14 and 15 so with the divorce taking likely 2 plus years they will be 16 and 17 we'll with in our courts age for them to chose or keep the 50/50.

My STBXH aslo has buliemia (unadmitted)so I am hoping to use that as another reason why the courts may give me the full custody. Plus I have 4 grown children to testify about STBXH's abusive nature if needed. STBXH has NOT ONE person to testify he is a decent parent while I have countless.

I am hoping what he's doing with my son will actually help me in my desire for full custody, my attorney told me with the kids ages it was almost worthless to fight BUT we are having our temp parenting plan hearing which I am going to make my points and PRAY that the judge will award me the full custody during the divorce.

I do not want STBXH to have 50/50 but my initial agreement to it actually helps me show I'm not malicious BUT with the situation with my son and parental alienation of affection I think I may get full custody.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 7:54 PM, Thursday, December 8th]

Crazytrain,
I felt like I needed to chime in here, please be careful with how you handle this whole narcissist/ parental alienation problem.

Your atty is giving you good advice so far as far as the legal system & how things work.
However, I'm not sure that making your son come for your visitation will be prodctive.
Making sure the court knows you expressed your desire for him to come & your WH interference is a must but putting your son in the position of acting out to please WH (even though he may not even realize he's being manipulated to do that) will probably not help you & your son's healing from this insanity in the long run.

I am only speaking from experience - my WH & his ExW were in custody battle for 7 years.
ExW was exactly like your WH; defiant towards rulings, an expert at alienation & incuded all 4 kids, relentless with the bitterness. She would laugh at Contempt Citations & there were lots of them that literally never got enforced.
Court is very expensive, we went the 7 years to the tune of over $60,000 & that was early 2000s when hourly attorney fees were half what they are now.

I'm not saying lay down & let him stomp you, I'm just telling you what we expererienced.
We did the forced visits because we were advised to but in hindsight, I believe the kids would've been less damaged in the end.

I honestly believe that if we had not tried so hard to "save" his kids from the mental abuse she forced on them that my WH would have a relationship with them. Hindsight.
I beieve they would've gotten sick of her barrage of badmothing, never having a stable home, constant dumping them off on other people, putting men before them frequently.

Maybe talk to a therapist about strategy, I dont know your situation entirely & what I am sharing may not be applicable either but I have seen this firsthand & it did not end well.
Parental Alienation is serious & I hope courts take it more seriously than they used to.

I wish you good luck, this is a very hard thing to have to navigate.

1girlsmom, thank you for your post and sharing the experience. If I'm reading what you're saying I should not force my DS to come and visit? That I should let DS come to his own conclusions on his own after he gets tired of WH's treatment of him?

I'm afraid IF and WHEN DS decides to come back I'll have a DS who is too far gone to help. the temp parenting plan will include mandatory counseling with a person who can testify in court while the divorce proceeds.

My attorney has said that I should call the police if DS acts uncontrollable and if DS is taken in as a unruly it might be for the best as both me and STBXH will be under serious scrutiny and required to go through a multitude of requirements to get DS back. I of course do not want this to happen

I will talk with my therapist for some game plan for sure, up until 3 weeks ago my son loved me incredibly, sent me loving texts, thanked me for being a good mom. Now after 3 weeks of WH's brainwashing I am a abusive and horrible mother and its heartbreaking.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 11:10 PM, Thursday, December 8th]

good luck with everything - you are getting excellent advice.

One thing I wanted to chime in - you mentioned you know he is tracking your car. There are a few different ways:
- airtag hidden (check your settings to notify you if an unknown airtag is tracking you)
- similar gps device

- your car's "owner app". I have an app where I can see where my cars are. If he is/was the legal owner and has 'registered' your car, he may be tracking via the car's own wifi. I'm not sure where to start, but if it is a newer car, it probably has its own wifi hotspot and he could be using that to track it.

I reread my last post. I sounded like a bitch. I apologize for that. I'm so frustrated for you,and your kids. And I really, really hate your STBX. I'm also terrified of him.

CT, the more I think about the situation, the more it's clear that this is King Solomon's choice situation. Your husband is willing to split the baby in half if it means "winning" and hurting you. You need to be the parent who is willing to lose him in order to save him.

Now, if this were 2015 (when you first registered and your son was only 7 years old), I would be 100% Team Hellfire. Fight tooth and nail for full custody. Be a Mama Bear. Don't give him an itch. Do what you can to save your son from your WH's evil clutches. I'm sure you got tons of advice like this years ago and everyone was begging you to leave him.

I'm sorry to say this... but that ship sailed. This is why I originally suggested holding out until your son was 18, or, alternately, offering him a favorable settlement in exchange for full custody. Who knows... maybe your WH would still be willing to trade your son for more money, but I suspect at this point his primary interest at this point is causing you as much pain and suffering as possible.

The brainwashing and the psychological abuse that your son has been enduring didn't start 3 weeks ago; it's been going on his entire life, escalating while your marriage deteriorated. It's only now that you're seeing the full extent of the damage that's been done to him.

Consequently, I think 1girlsmom has the right idea here about not pursuing forced visits. As a teenage boy, your son is capable of serious harm to you and anyone else around him. Every time you force him to visit you, you're essentially dragging a live bomb into your home. As your attorney said, you could call the cops on him if he gets violent or destructive... but I don't think ending up in juvenile detention or a temporary foster care is going to undue the damage that's been done to him; it would probably make it worse. Also, if CPS gets involved, you will have every aspect of your life scrutinized, your reputation ruined, and have your finances decimated before you ever see a dime out of your WH.

Another thing to consider is this... remember a few weeks ago when you were suspicious that your husband was having someone follow you or potentially hired a hit man? What if he doesn't need to hire someone because he has a potential hitman under his roof right now? What if he convinces your son that the only way to prove his love for his father and escape your "abuse" is to kill you? "Don't worry, son, if you get caught, you just tell them how she hurt you... no jury will convict You won't be tried as an adult anyway. Worst case scenario, you'll be out by 18." I know this seems unfathomable-- and I'm really not trying to be overdramatic here-- but there are plenty of cases where a parent has enlisted a child to murder the other parent.

Get the 50/50 custody plan in place. Have regular calls scheduled with your son. If he shows up for his visits voluntarily, great. If he answers your phone calls, great. If he doesn't you document, document, document, document everything and then put it before a judge. But scenes like the one you experienced a few days ago are not sustainable, certainly not for 2 friggin years.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:42 PM, Friday, December 9th]

Myaltereo, thank you. I actually found the LAST Gps he installed on my car and have looked for the obvious tracker. I am having a retired FBI group to sweep my car Monday.

The cars installed GPS system isn't subscribed to and no in car Wifi (I wish). The var is in STBXH's name and refuses to let me sell it, likely because of his ability to only track vehicles that are in your own name, othewise it is stalking.

Hmmm.... car is in his name... who's paying for it? Hopefully not you.

Maybe get a new car? Even a cheap clunker?

MIgander, he titles every car in his name

STBXH won't sign it over even though its a money pit. I'll ask my attorneys about the cease and desist order will allow me to buyh something else.

***Also the car was sweeped for the tracker and they found a "slap & stick" under my car, they removed it, bagged it and brought it to my attorneys office and are writing a report!

Small update, STBXH had his attorney dismiss the TRO he took out on behalf of my son after the first visit which my DS acted awful on the advice on my STBXH on purpose to get to go home.

I am waiting for my case to get re-assigned to a new judge and the temporary parenting plan to go into effect.

The new plan includes kids not turning off their location services and STBH cannot take my son to his new girlfriends.

How I'm going to stop him (even ordered by court) from either of those things is beyond me?

Anyone have any ideas on what I can do to catch him taking my DS even after he's ordered not to.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:10 PM, Thursday, December 15th]

UGH. I'm glad they found the GPS tracker. That's scary shit. I think Elon Musk had his kid dangerously harassed by an unhinged Antifa guy when people were releasing his real time location.

I hope between the stalking (it's stalking to unknowingly track someone, right?) and the alienation and the continued defiance of the court orders that you can get a favorable 100% custody with supervised visits going.

Why do you need a new judge?

MIgander,
Since my car is in his name it isn't technically considered stalking but my attorney has pressured STBXH's attorney to turn into an escrow account the $200.000 something in cash in conjunction with the GPS tracking to ensure my safety.

Our case was re-assigned to a new judge since the judge assigned was my previous attorney that crafted my 2015 post-nuptial agreement so she had to recuse herself.

Our attorney filed a motion for family counseling and STBXH is was behind turning in his discovery so he may likely will be in contempt very soon.

Hoping and praying his screw ups helps me with custody.

Anyone have any ideas on what I can do to catch him taking my DS even after he's ordered not to.

If anything, document it and keep documenting those times. If he's disordered enough to slap you with a TRO, guarantee that he'll use you resisting his taking the kid outside of orders as an alienation ploy.

Keep a log of dates and times, and relay what happens to your attorney. It sucks that they can just dance on the border of criminal activity, but this is a precarious and dangerous situation.

Wishing you strength, Crazytrain. Hope he hasn't bugged your computer and seen your activity on here.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 1:37 AM, Saturday, December 17th]

Forks, thanks I am going to track my son's whereabouts closely and document it all for my attorney.

STBXH has been advised by his attorney NOT to take my DS but as with everything I'm sure he's snub his nose at even his own attorney.

My DD puts a monkey wrench in STBHX's ability to see his girlfriend as she has zero loyalty and will not keep secrets for him so I can likely pinpoint when he would be taking DS.

We are starting family counseling soon, should be interesting!