AI,
D-Day was well over 2 years ago now and things are going well. Then a few days ago something triggered my BP and I didn’t give the reassurance I should have done.
I have really struggled with effective apologies and with understanding what to say, when to say it and how to say it. You need to fully own what you have done. Then, when you apologise, own the apology. "I'm sorry that I did "X" to you today, I understand that in doing this it would have made you feel "Y". I will work on myself to ensure I do not act in this way again" is better than "I'm sorry YOU got upset by whatever I did". I would challenge how well things are going. Us WS are great at seeing the good and ignoring the bad. I read a great post where a WS was in MC with BS. He said things were going really well because they have not argued all week. The reality, as pointed out by BS, was that she was not happy at all, but had effectively given up asking for support from WS. Communication is the key here. Hey, things might be OK. However you need to ensure both you and BS are on the same page.
Now I don’t know what I should be saying or doing, every time I try and talk it comes across as I’m trying to make excuses or shift the blame
Yep, we do that too. Use lots of "I" statements. YOU chose to do what you did. Yes, the AP was there, but you still chose to act out. Accept this and try to get this message across to BS. "I am sorry for my actions" Do not blame BS in any way. As said in many posts, you could have been in the most toxic relationship ever, but this does not give you an excuse to cheat. I,I,I,I.
Consider writing a letter to AP telling them about your regrets about the affair. How you feel about the damage you've caused and the pain you've inflicted. This is not (necessarily) for sending, but for sharing with your BS.
My head is fried at the moment and I don’t have anyone to turn to for help
You're going to be like this for a while, certainly until you've come to terms with and accepted what you've done. I mean this from both an intellectual level and from an emotional level. Read all the books suggested on this site. Tell BS what you're doing. Let her see you're trying to understand and make changes. Make sure you're there for every trigger, for every mind movie for every bad day. Let her know when you're having a bad day too. This needs to be done with care of course, but showing you have feelings of regret and that these are impacting you in whatever ways they are. Don't expect sympathy, you might not get this, but by sharing you're showing BS that you do care and you are working on yourself.
I have struggled with this, I've often felt that I cannot share my hurt with the person I have devastated. It's hard and I don't feel I am allowed to feel bad as this pain is self inflicted.
Keep reading on here and keep posting.
WH (50's)
Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.
D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice
