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How does one actually build a parental cooperation with xWW when I find her essential attitude unacceptable?

She says we should be on the same page when coparenting, but I find that really hard to reconcile with her "quest for happiness" and how it affects our kids:

- Our friend had to "lend" her husband for cheating.

- I have to give away our common apartment for a fraction of the cost because she doesn't have the money and because "You can't throw out the mother of your kids".

- Her parents have to sell their summerhouse to help their daughter if the manipulation above doesn't work out (I don't care if they do but still Wow!).

- Kids must lose friends and adjust to her new boyfriends because "kids are happy if a parent is happy"

A couple of months I drew the line on coparenting with "I don't tell you what to do, you don't tell me what to do" and trying to preserve the same rules we had before we separated. That is not ideal, but I couldn't think of any better atm.

On the bright side, there has been no badmouthing or alienation. The shared custody schedule works fine, especially after I drew the line.

[This message edited by ZDZD at 9:47 PM, Monday, November 28th]

You cant. Parallel parent until she grows up.

(I don't care if they do but still Wow!).

Be honest with yourself. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have brought it up, and yet it is here. X + y = z.

You can't work with an unremorseful spouse. There's no parenting that you can do with them. You'd be best served by focusing on what you can do for you children. As opposed to, what you cannot. What you can't do is so much more infinite then what you can. But what you can do is some much more valuable then what you cannot.

How does one actually build a parental cooperation with xWW when I find her essential attitude unacceptable?

This appears to be a "you" problem vs. a "her" problem. You cannot control her or her attitude, but you can control your reaction to it.

She says we should be on the same page when coparenting, but I find that really hard to reconcile with her "quest for happiness" and how it affects our kids:

She's right about the first part--you should be on the same page with regards to co-parenting. What she does and with whom is now no longer your issue. Her "I come first" attitude will be transparent to your children and they will see through it. Keep putting your children first on your side.

I have to give away our common apartment for a fraction of the cost because she doesn't have the money and because "You can't throw out the mother of your kids".

Is this now your settlement, or is it what she WANTS as a settlement. My father (a fine attorney) used to say "People in hell want ice water, too. If this is a want, you have every right to advocate for yourself and a fair settlement. You do not have to cater to her whims. Her choice to cheat, her consequences to bear. Please, please, please advocate for yourself and your kids. Don't fall for this manipulation.

Her parents have to sell their summerhouse to help their daughter if the manipulation above doesn't work out (I don't care if they do but still Wow!).

Not your monkeys, not your circus. Carry on advocating for you and your kids.

Kids must lose friends and adjust to her new boyfriends because "kids are happy if a parent is happy"

Again, kids will see through selfishness. Play the long game by being as good and as consistent a parent as you can be and keeping your personal life, well, personal.

A couple of months I drew the line on coparenting with "I don't tell you what to do, you don't tell me what to do" and trying to preserve the same rules we had before we separated. That is not ideal, but I couldn't think of any better atm.

If you can, I would advise keeping the same rules at each home and cooperating on things like any punishment or such. But other than that, you are right. Her behavior, except for parenting that directly affects you or the children, is not your problem.

On the bright side, there has been no badmouthing or alienation. The shared custody schedule works fine, especially after I drew the line.

Excellent. See, boundaries are good things. Draw a boundary around no manipulation.

Cat

DigitalSpyder and Catwoman thank you for holding me accountable. This has been part and parcel of our marriage. Me taking care of her emotions and attitudes.

We sat at a lawyer the other day and she sobbed and trepidated that if she doesn't get the apartment on her terms, she might not be able to afford another in the same city, so she wouldn't be able to get good custody. With some therapy I can now be a grey rock and think to myself "You wanted divorce, you managed to cheat, you can manage this too".

No good coparenting indeed...

[This message edited by ZDZD at 5:22 PM, Wednesday, November 30th]

We sat at a lawyer the other day and she sobbed and trepidated that if she doesn't get the apartment on her terms, she might not be able to afford another in the same city, so she wouldn't be able to get good custody.

What she's counting on is you not advocating for yourself and bowing to her manipulation.

Let me tell you a story. I was married to a diagnosed narcissist. I busted him on one of his serial affairs, and he decided it would be easier to leave for the OW than to be accountable for his actions. Fine. But what he DIDN'T count on was that I was going to advocate for myself. I had always given in to his demands because, with a narcissist, it is infinitely easier in a lot of ways. But no longer. So we start seeing a mediator and after about 3 sessions when he has submitted next to none of the requested paperwork, I told him I would no longer go to mediation (and pay for it) until he got up to speed on what was requested. You would have thought I had called his mother a w***e. How DARE I hold him accountable! How DARE I not "be cooperative." I just told him it wasn't in MY best interest to agree to anything piecemeal and that until I had a complete picture, I wasn't going to agree to anything. Period.

He went all scorched earth and had me served with divorce papers on Mother's Day (true story). I hired the biggest shark I could and ate ramen (still fed my kids, though) and he found out what it was like to be unreasonable. Even his attorney told him he was unreasonable. He decided he would pay less than 8% of his income in child support. He decided he didn't want to pay private school tuition to the school we both chose. The judge let him have it. He got the shaft, and he deserved it. I was willing to be reasonable until he started playing games. Then it was no longer in my best interest to do so. He was the master of his own destruction.

Cat

I agree with Vez. Parallel parent.

Working on this myself. On one hand before and after D-day WH left all small and big decisions about DD to me. But I’m noticing he’s dropping some parenting "logic" every now and then when he gets annoyed that things are inconvenient for him or will cause him some A shame.

I always stop myself from responding with something like "Really, assbag do you know what size shoes your daughter wears? Don’t teach me to parent and go fuck yourself".

How does one actually build a parental cooperation with xWW when I find her essential attitude unacceptable?

As others have suggested, perhaps not with my language, is that you get over yourself and you do focus on your children and you do what is best for them. If she is willing to co-parent with you, then you co-parent with her and you do that because that's what is best for your children.

I assume that she cheated on you because you are on this site. Get over that as far as your kids are concerned. Yes, her cheating had nothing to do with you... but it had even less to do with them, so be a grownup and be a parent. This means swallowing your pride and doing what's best for your kids.

2x4 over.

You also will need to learn to firmly but politely set your boundaries and you will need to learn to stay in your own lane. Does she feed them too much candy? Let them stay up too late? They introduced a new romantic stuff too soon? That's the stuff that you need to ignore. The same goes in reverse. "I get to parent my way on my time. You get to parent your way on your time."

You will need to cooperate with her on the big decisions like health situations, schooling, major expenses, etc. Maybe you should wait 6 months (or more) for the both of you to calm down, but have a serious conversation with her so that the two of you can kind of pre-plan on to deal with such things.

On the bright side, there has been no badmouthing or alienation.

Focus on this and make sure that you don't badmouth or alienate either. Learn to swallow your pride and avoid snarky comments and focus on what is best for your kids. Their entire world focused on mom and dad as a couple and now that's been destroyed. Give them as much "normal" as you can.