SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

VinST said "Let her have this young man...(the honeymoon phase will soon wear off when reality sets in) ".

Uh huh.

(Edited for No Politics)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:53 PM, Saturday, December 3rd]

Ox, so sorry you find yourself here. This is bat-sh*t-crazy stuff for sure. Do not put anything past them. These types of cases have ended up with the mature female convincing her young lover to make her a widow with the promise of being together. Folks here warning you to protect yourself are not to be taken lightly.

Regarding your frame of mind in how you should approach this whole thing. You will be severely conflicted because this is the woman you loved, the mother of your children. You are going to have to purposely use hard, binary, logic driven thinking through this.

You need to view these two as strangers who broke down the door of your home and are trying to seriously harm your children. Your children need your protection. All of the emotions that will arise to protect your wife should be channeled to your children. Doing so will give you the freedom to feel the emotions and still use them to drive your righteous indignation to protect your family.

All the best to you.

Your header: "I Just Feel Completely Humiliated"

I just wanted to reassure you that your case is not all that unusual. We’ve got a relatively recent case here on SI involving an upstanding teacher engaging in an affair with her minor student who then turned 18 during the A.

We also have many cases here involving devout Christians, and clergy, of every denomination. Infidelity seems to strike every kind of marriage without discrimination. Infidelity strikes good healthy marriages as well as troubled, and every academic and economic level. I thought I was living a high curb appeal, Barbie & Ken Dream House, Waltons marriage the envy of everyone. "Our house was a very, very fine house with two cats in the yard" the white 4-plank vinyl fence, thriving children, no red flags 🚩, just a good wholesome cheesy Nicholas Sparks story until…

BS’s tend to look inwards after an affair because there’s no where else to look for answers. Our WSs are certainly not forthcoming. The uninitiated tend to blame the victim out of fear for their own marriages, to reassure themselves that this nightmare will never happen to them. It leaves us feeling "Completely Humiliated" and like failures.

SHE failed. She failed you. She failed the marriage. She should be humiliated.

Keep this forever in mind as you boldly go forward with your children. They need to see a strong Father leading them through this darkness. They’re watching you. Teach them.

Popping in to check on you. I DO think it's important that even if you don't go scorched earth you do a few things:

1. Tell your older children.
2. Tell your Bishop.

Get ahead of this. Rather she's always been like this or not doesn't matter. This woman is twisted right now and you can't have her poisoning your relationships.

And record every single thing you can. Too many LDS women I know have tried to sling accusations at their husbands when called out on terrible behavior. (I'm sure it's not just us, but half of my closest friends are LDS so these are the stories I hear!)

I'm so sorry about all of this.

My experience with Church leadership is that they will do what they can to protect the church and keep the congregation together.

The ladies at the church where my W took OM3 couldn't understand why I put an end to W driving him there.

I agree to get legal advice because of your special situation.

I think it will help ease the burden of many of your decisions. I'm not going to say your W was always bad because maybe she wasn't and something happened so that she started down a destructive path. I wouldn't put any more burden on yourself. Nobody anticipates a catastrophe like this.

There are the financial and practical aspects and the emotional ones. It might help for a time to not judge yourself about your thoughts. Thoughts and emotions go all over the place. You will not know what she or the ap will do. This unknown is stressful but if you stand strong when talking to her and know that whatever happens you will be alright, that your future with your kids will be good, you can build confidence.

I remember many other fathers put minds on their children foremost and passed through the terrible pain of infidelity and lies and feelings of bewilderment to a good future. If your goal is the best outcome for your kids then you gain the best outcome yourself.

This is stuff and needs to be handled carefully. The OM has been abused as a child brought into a new environment where he is being abused again.

Keep in mind they also have OM"s sister as well. The home is also co owned by her parents.

You need to get experts involved. See an attorney now.

A strategy would be file and request full custody pending physiological evaluation of both.

The problem is your wife and she took advantage using her authority position to abuse this child. She may have ruined any chance he that he can have any successful relationship.

Lots of great advice being given here. Be careful, proceed with caution and don't ignore the high risk scenarios being presented here. They are unlikely but preparing for them is the smart and safe play.

Based on the facts as I read them, it doesn't sound like this affair began until well after the AP was 18. It seems like original good intent morphed into an EA after the age of 18 then a PA probably when the AP was 21 or 22. It doesn't change the fact that you are in a horrible and bizzare situation but I personally don't think it was likely illegal.

OxfordComma

Thinking about you today, hopefully you are processing and planning your next move. There is a lot of advice and information hitting you all at once. Please return and give an update when you are able. Wishing you and your kids the best.

As above 👆
One day at a time

OxfordComma - just sending positive thoughts. We all hope you and the family are safe and doing ok.

Hi everyone, just checking in. You've all given me a lot to think about. Right now I'm just processing everything I've read here and waiting to see a few attorneys this week before I make any rash decisions.

As to the question of grooming or underage sex, I'm sure I'll have a better idea once I've talked to an attorney, but from where I'm at now, the evidence doesn't seem to point to that, and even if there was underage sex I don't see how I'd prove it.

I'm not inclined to make any unsupportable accusations to the family judge if it would just make me look vindictive. I'm sure they hear all kinds of crazy accusations on the regular, most of them complete fabrications.

Also one point of clarification, the girl we took in is not his sister and she no longer lives in our home. She went home to try and build a relationship with her bio dad after he divorced her bio mother, who was emotionally abusive. We are still on good terms with her and encouraged her to try and reconcile with her dad when she expressed interest. She's leaving for college soon and looks to be on track for a good life. The AP's life, on the other hand, is probably ruined no matter what the outcome of the next few months turns out to be.

[This message edited by OxfordComma at 8:29 AM, Sunday, December 4th]

Just getting caught up on your thread. I am very sorry you are facing this horrific and nauseating betrayal at the hands of your wife and the OM.

You've recieved a ton of great input here, especially as to the tactical actions to take. Your list of determined actions sound like a solid place to start:

- Get an actual consultation with an attorney, maybe more than one.

- Open a new bank account and change my direct deposit over to that.

- Get a Paternity test for my youngest and discuss the results with my attorney (if she's not mine, that would

move their earliest active sex to at least February of 2019. Still post-graduation, but not by much.)

- Change a crap-ton of passwords and make sure her email is not listed as the recovery email.

- Confront them both with her parents in the room all at once.

- Kick at least him, and possibly both out that night (if her parents will support me where she's concerned. They will

be on board with kicking him out.)

- Depending on her reaction during the confrontation, file for divorce immediately, alternatively if she is remorseful and

immediately agrees to the requirements, we begin the reconciliation process (unlikely).

- Sign up for counseling because I am going to be (already am) a complete wreck!

Id like to address a few things.

The thin veneer of religiosity that shes attempting to overlay this pile of dung is pure hypocrisy and another indicator of how truly unhinged she may well be.

The age of this guy may matter legally as to when it all began, but I know many young men in their late teens, even troubled guys that would never stoop to having sex with the married woman who took them in during a difficult time in their life. I have worked with many young men like this in the past. The fact that he is complicit in this shows how warped he is. Please do NOT underestimate the threat he is and may be in the future, especially when this is all exposed. He needs to be gone from your home immediately and you may consider alerting athorities about what is about to go down before you expose everything and get a RO against this POS (talk to your attorney about this). For future reference, he never should have been allowed in your home in the first place for this and many other reasons but Im not going into all of that as itd be a threadjack.

You sound like a good guy. A caring loving and empathetic man. You hesitate to go scorched earth but I am encouraging you to get in touch with your anger right now and channel it properly into determined and very strong action. See, this whole thing is a direct threat to you and your children. Your home is being up ended by these people. Youve allowed an interloper to come in and wreak havoc in your marriage, family and home. I have to wonder what is happening to the mental/emotional stability of your other children. Whoever your wife was to you, she is no longer. I know it is a bitter bitter pill to swallow, but no good wife and mother endangers her marriage and family for a tryst, especially under these circumstances. Please deal with this and excise this disease from your family with all due haste and determination. Sadly, this now includes your wife. On this note, you may want to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It may help you get into the frame of mind that you need right now.

Strength to you to do what must be done.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:21 PM, Sunday, December 4th]

As to the question of grooming or underage sex, I'm sure I'll have a better idea once I've talked to an attorney, but from where I'm at now, the evidence doesn't seem to point to that, and even if there was underage sex I don't see how I'd prove it.

I've been thinking about this and tend to agree with you. In fact, I agree with the poster above. If this punk is wicked enough to carry on sexually with your wife, under your very nose, he's potentially likely to become hostile, aggressive, maybe violent. Young men can be manipulated by their own powerful, sometimes unhinged emotions, and they tend to see things in black/white. All good/all bad. Friend/enemy.

As an aside, that's why we sent them off to war, rather than men with more lived experience who understand the nuance of the human condition.

Have you confronted yet? If not, I'd urge you to do it sooner rather than later. You won't be able to disguise your emotions for any extended time period.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:33 PM, Sunday, December 4th]

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:34 PM, Sunday, December 4th]

experienced sexual trauma in their past from relatives outside the home. They were both falling apart and failing out

Somehow I find it wrong to call this boy a POS, warped, a punk,etc, because of this background.

Especially considering..

he was too attached to my wife. He followed her around like a lost puppy, and constantly wanted to talk through his feelings about his family of origin,

He was confiding in a "trusted adult," who had encouraged him to call him mom.

This woman took a kid into her home,who had been severely abused, and turned around and repeated that cycle of abuse.

He is a victim of a predatory woman.

If this was a young girl,and the predatory was a man, I don't think the men here would be villianizing the young girl. At least, I would hope not.

Does the boy need to go? Absolutely.

Does he have issues? He does. Can't be sexually assaulted by a family member and not have issues.

Is he to blame? Very partially, IMO.

But the perpetrator is the WW. How anyone can be advising him to R with a woman like this is beyond my comprehension. She's abused this boy,in the worst way. She will never be a safe partner.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:06 PM, Sunday, December 4th]

Right now I'm just processing everything I've read here and waiting to see a few attorneys this week before I make any rash decisions.

So this guy is still in your house?

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:18 AM, Monday, December 5th]

Agreed. He needs to 180,and see an attorney to take steps to get himself,and his kids,away from this situation.