SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out in September that my husband was having an affair. When I found out, he was remorseful, and willing to do all the things to make us work. He started individual therapy, we started couples therapy. He was reading the books, doing all the things, answering all of my questions. For about three weeks. Then he got frustrated with having to tell me what he was doing all the time and completely checked out. I found out a week later he started back up with her. I kicked him out of the house that night. That was about a month ago. We have two children. It is sometimes like pulling teeth to get him to be open and honest with me. Some days he tells me he wants to do whatever it will take but doesn’t know if he can and doesn’t want to hurt me more. He supposedly completely ended things with her last week because he wants to try to make us work. But I’m just not sure he has it in him and he is also not sure he can do it. How do I know how long to wait for him to figure out if he’s up for this or not? My life is a roller coaster. I can’t commit to any plans because I have no idea where I’m going to be on that roller coaster that day. I hate living in this limbo and I hate that he did this to us. Does anyone have any advice for deciding when to call it?

Hi, Tara, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, cheaters lie, and they lie and they lie. What proof do you have that your husband actually dumped his AP? Is she married? A co-worker?

Right now your husband is in the driver's seat, has two women pining over him, he basically has his cake and eating it too. A woman at home who is waiting for him and his side piece. You need to find the courage to close that bakery down. Be firm. Let him know that in no uncertain terms will you allow him to continue to disrespect you.

Whatever you do, never beg or plead. Show courage. Show strength. Don't allow him to play ping pong with your life, dealing with infidelity is a nightmare, what's worse is living in limbo.

Tell him if he can't decide, you will decide for him. Consult with several attorneys. Maybe it will give him the push off the fence he needs, maybe not. At minimum, you will be one step ahead of him knowing what divorce might look like. Not saying to file, but knowledge is power.

Youy need individual therapy. Even if he agreed at sometime in the future, couples therapy is a waste of time and money. Your marriage isn't broken, he is. He didn't cheat because of the marriage, he cheated because he wanted to. Has he blamed you for his actions?

The road to recovery from infidelity is a long and hard one. It takes YEARS to recover. Not three weeks. That means total transparency and accountability. Access to all social media, email, accounts, phones, etc. His willingness to answer all of your questions over and over and over if necessary. Never getting defensive. If he's not willing to do that, he's not reconciliation material.

Please check out the Healing Library, chock full of great information.

Right now your marriage is in limbo and your cheating spouse is the Affair Fog

Honestly he is not sure if he wants to stay married or live the carefree "single" life and do whatever he wants.

He will string you along as long as you let him. I am not saying D him but I am saying you should get yourself a good counselor and decide what is best for you.

Right now he’s content to lie and cheat to get what he wants and he is expecting you to "go along".

I lived your situation exactly. It wasn’t until dday2 that I told him we were finished that he realized he pushed me too far. And I was no longer playing nice.

Sorry you are here.

The best way for you to go forward and out of limbo land is to tell him you are filling for D. And MEAN IT. That is the best way to get WS heads out of their asses.

Doing so you will confirm what your WH is really willing to do regarding your relationship. If he really wants to get things straight he needs individual therapy. And he needs to also MEAN IT. If he does not want to stay in the marriage, at least you know who you have by your side and what his real intentions are.

Also, if you are not willing to go that far just yet, tell him he needs to provide complete access to all his electronics - NO QUESTIONS ASKED. That way if you need to you can always confirm is activities online and the likes. If he says NO - FILE FOR D.

If you are even a small amount suspicious about his activities DO NOT engage in intimacy with him - at least until you figure out what is going on. If he gets all grumpie about that - FILE FOR D.

Limbo land can be a bitch. Don't go that way.

One way or another you will be ok.

Stay strong. Eat well. Drink plenty of water. Exercise. Take care OF YOU. YOU ARE worth it.

All the best.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:35 PM, Monday, December 5th]

I knew that to have no regrets I needed to try to reconcile. I gave myself a nominal 6 months in which I expected to see a significant change on his part. 4 months of couples counseling later and he's reverted back to behaving like a thoughtless teenager. I decided to investigate what the path to divorce might look like so that I could empower myself to potentially make that decision of need be. Sadly, and this is crushing me, I've very recently discovered what he's up to online because I checked his devices before he had chance to delete his browser history.

It's taken 7 months after all, but I've made my decision and I have no regrets. I will always have the hurt and absolute sadness that he turned out to be this man, ruining our marriage and causing god knows what trauma to our babies as they grow up, but I will absolutely not be happy staying with a man I will never be able to trust.

Big hugs to you, it's so hard trying to know what's best.

First I'm so sorry you are here. I can recall how those first few months felt - and my WH acted similarly to yours except he did a "better" job of hiding his return to the AP than yours did so I was not sure for almost a year. When that year of false-R was over and he was caught again he spent about 2 months being "all in" wanting us to work, but much like your WH mine also tired of my wanting to talk about what he had done, wanting to know what he was doing, and my not being "happy" like I was before the A - and after 3 months of trying to make things work he went back again to his married AP, who had been begging and pleading with him to talk to her and to go back to the A.

All of that context is to say that what I wish I had done much earlier was to start my path to leaving - making more assured plans to get out of infidelity with or without him. Much like many people on this site, once I actually made firm plans to leave, he broke off the A for a final time, and wanted to work things out with me and started doing his own work in earnest, but it was too late at that time. After 2+ years of the affair and false R I did not feel the same any longer about him. We still casually "date" because he has done discernible work on himself (we are not married anymore) so I appreciate him for the person he has become and we really were best friends, but I can't get back the love I felt for him before and I don't think I ever will so casual dating is all I am capable of now.

Had I left sooner maybe he would have pulled his head out, maybe he would have started addressing his issues sooner, and maybe I would not have lost those feelings...or maybe he would have tried to run off with his AP...who knows. But I do know that I would have saved myself at least 18 months of pure, sheer, gut-punching misery, and for that I wish I had started making plans in my mind without him. (I do cut myself a bit of slack as COVID lock-down happened during the middle of that whole mess making my plans to leave linger on a bit longer than I wanted).

So my advice is focus on yourself - don't play the pick me dance or the waiting game or live in limbo-land any longer. Focus on yourself. Maybe your WH will decide to work on himself and focus not only on you, but more importantly on HIS ISSUES that led to this mess. Maybe he will run off with the AP, free of all the "burdens" of dealing with the mess he made. You simply cannot know for sure what he will do - but you do know that you will still be you no matter what, so make you the focus and you will be okay eventually. The good news at about 3 years out my mindset really changed and I stopped thinking about him and the A in the same way - the pain was gone. I credit that to making myself the focus, even when doing that was counterintuitive and painfully difficult.

This too shall pass. How quickly it does depends on you. Make yourself Plan A - you won't regret it.

EDIT: to directly answer your question - focusing on you, making plans for how your will proceed without him does not equal calling it quits. You don't need to make that decision in order to work on how your life CAN proceed without him, be it making financial plans, sorting out joint issues, etc. You can move out and still end up together. You can start divorce proceedings or not (I do recommend getting some legal advice about your situation - financially and related to your children). I did not file immediately - but I made it clear I wanted to divide what little we needed to and get my employment situation in order so I could leave. Don't focus on the outcome of your marriage - focus on the outcome for you going forward so that you have some control over what you do and where you go and how you address your life with OR without him.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:33 PM, Monday, December 5th]

Are you getting professional counseling for yourself? That will be the best way to help you through this ordeal.

Another suggests to read up on the 180.

If he chooses not to be a committed spouse then you stop supporting him and being his wife. By that we mean stop cooking his meals or doing his laundry. Stop doing errands or favors for him. Stop being his support system.

It’s not meant to stop the affair. But it is meant to protect you from further disrespect from him and to help you emotionally distance yourself from him.

When I found out, he was remorseful, and willing to do all the things to make us work.

Obviously he wasn’t actually remorseful. He was regretful for being caught. Real remorse is persistent, consistent and dedicated and cannot be demonstrated in just 3-weeks.

Then he got frustrated with having to tell me what he was doing all the time

Remorse is lovingly patient. It’s patient because it uses empathy to assuage itself and re-engage during setbacks, when it gets frustrated. It uses empathy to predict your needs and patterns of behavior.

I found out a week later he started back up with her.

Even when remorse gets frustrated, it would never dream of re-inflicting that very pain upon you that he claims has caused him so much remorse.

Some days he tells me he wants to do whatever it will take but doesn’t know if he can and doesn’t want to hurt me more.

That’s just a cop out. He doesn’t hesitate hurting you by breaking NC, but acts all so concerned about hurting you here.

It is sometimes like pulling teeth to get him to be open and honest with me.

You won’t get anywhere in R without a whole new level of intimacy that begins with him opening up and being honest. Trusting you with his truths, making himself vulnerable to you with the uncomfortable truths. Sharing his intimate discoveries with you while on his journey of self examination is very binding.

How do I know how long to wait for him to figure out if he’s up for this or not?

There are certain things you don’t have to wait one minute for such as: NC, full transparency, STD testing, getting himself into IC, boundaries.

Then there are things that do take a bit of time such as: full disclosure, The Timeline, therapeutic outcomes and results, the evolution of a more refined approach to R usually learned from books and counseling.

Your expectations should have applicable consequences for failure that are mutually understood. Breaking NC is a deal breaker for many. Your expectations are not to manipulate him into doing thy bidding, they’re boundaries or trigger points for you so you don’t keep making concessions at your expense. Boundaries help you measure his performance (actions) and level of remorse objectively so that you can more accurately read through his talky-talk shiber-shabber.

Having a WS accept the precious fleeting gift of R and then give you the soggy milk toast reply of "I’m not sure I can do it…sniffle wha" is not encouraging.

So sorry you are here young lady.

He is a pig 🐖 sorry to be blunt. He has to be accountable for his actions. Think 🤔 about what you need, what you require, you and the children (if any). If you want the details be warned once heard it can’t be unheard.

He will flip flop like a live fish on a cook top. You need to take you time and think.

Seek legal advice you need to know your rights and his responsibilities. Talk to family or friends but remember you are no alone.

Cheaters are selfish, they blame all bar them selves. You have no blame for his actions.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 11:43 PM, Monday, December 5th]

So sorry you are here. It is absolutely gut wrenching and horrifying to be betrayed like this. Whatever you are feeling, realize that it is normal after such trauma.

The decision to stay or go is yours alone. But the truth is, you can only stay if he is all in and wants to stay too. So far, he has shown that he is NOT all in. He has placed his affair above you and the marriage.

You can certainly choose to tolerate that but I'll assume that is not what you are looking to do.

What you know is that he is a cheater and that he did not give up his affair partner even in the face of your pain and his potential to lose his entire life with you. That's how much the affair matters to him. It's excruciatingly painful to accept that but that is where you are right now.

You need to focus on you and your needs. I'll assume living with someone who does not respect you, isn't afraid of losing you and has a girlfriend is not what you want or need. So, let him go. Whatever that looks like for you. Separation is an option if he's back home. Consult an attorney for what divorce might look like. Cut off all contact with him that isn't absolutely necessary. This will be EXTREMELY painful and hard but he is not safe for you. He will continue to hurt you in a thousand different ways if you allow it. Don't.

Seek IC and of course support from friends and loved ones. Nourish yourself with good food, love from your support system, a good counselor and all the time it takes to make you feel strong and healthy. Keep him out of it. He will only deplete you and inflict more pain.

Once you are strong and stable, have a good plan or look for the future you can make a final decision on the marriage. Perhaps by then he realizes what is actually important. Who knows. Who cares. What should happen is that you figure out what you want and deserve and you can evaluate him from a safer distance.

Limbo will drain the life out of you. It will prolong your agony well beyond what is actually necessary. Take control of how long this is going to ruin your life. Get him out of a position to devastate you and work on rebuilding yourself.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 12:26 AM, Tuesday, December 6th]

Your WH could have taken a page out of my XWH's cheater's handbook. My story is so very similar to yours. Here's what I WISH I would have done.

Tell him in no uncertain terms the truth: "Right now, I don't trust you. You're not a safe partner. So to protect myself, we will remain separated for 90 days. There is no marriage counselling until you fix yourself. IF for the next 90 days, without me around, you can stay NC with the OW, stay in IC for yourself, provide me with full access to all electronics and passwords, turn on google tracker and give me access to it, tell the full truth to your parents (if they're around) about what you have done and the resulting circumstances you find yourself in, provide me with a complete a timeline of the entirety of your affair, as well as pay for and take a polygraph that I will schedule and set up, then MAYBE, MAYBE there is a chance we can R. We will only speak when necessary about the children and financial matters. I will re-evaluate our situation in 90 days, when I will determine if I need more time or need to see additional improvements from you. If you break any of these conditions, I will file for divorce immediately. Nope, there are no exceptions for the holidays. I will not pretend to have a happy family just because it's Christmas. You already blew up this family's happy holidays."

Then you have peace for 90 days and the rollercoaster will subside. The day-to-day "I'm not sure what he is going to throw at me today" crap is over. Read up on the 180 and implement it. Go as NC as possible. Also, go find a divorce attorney with experience in divorces resulting from infidelity. See three of them and pick the best one. In 90 days, make sure your ducks are in a row, because if he's still wishy-washy or has failed to provide what you need to see to make sure he's a safe partner, you need to be able to serve him with divorce papers ASAP.

In those 90 days, take EXTREMELY good care of yourself. Sleep and eat healthy as much as you can. Drink lots of water. Make some special memories with the kids. It is the holidays after all, and you should make the most out of this unique opportunity to make at least one small thing amazing out of this shit sandwich that your WH has served up. (I drove my kids to New York to FAO Schwarz to go shopping to make their lives a little bit better. But it doesn't have to be costly.) It could be driving them to the coast to watch an amazing sunrise or sunset (or both in the same day if you're in Florida!), or a day in WDW or Miami, or even an amazing Christmas lights show. Just make it something you've never done before, but always thought would be fun to do.

But be direct, be clear, be decisive with your Mr. Wishy-Washy of a WH. Having two people that can't make up their mind in a marriage is so much worse than having just one that's on the fence. And he's already claimed that role.

My biggest regret was allowing my H to put me in limbo. It was 6 months of torture.

One day I believed he really wanted to R, then 2 days later he is demanding a D (like I was the one stopping him lol). Rinse lather repeat.

Dday2 was the day I out a stop to it. Funny how "I’m D you" changes everything for the cheater.

I took back all my power and completely restored my self esteem on dday2. I finally stopped being a doormat.

I don’t know a single person who divorced— especially because of a cheating spouse— who regretted there decision.

I do know plenty of people who regret losing precious years of their lives by remaining married to a cheater.

If he won’t make a decision, make it for him.