SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(44m) with a (44f), high school sweethearts, married for over 20 years, blah blah blah. This is my story but I've read it a hundred times from others. Our marriage was stale. My wife found attention from her boss, it turned to flirting, it turned to making out, it turned to sex. Sex went on for about a year and my wife confessed that she had sex with someone because she couldn't make it stop on her own/handle the guilt/whatever. The boss had quit his job about 6 months before the affair ended. I could have outed him to the entire community but it wasn't worth the effort to me.

Since the original D-day, my wife has done everything by the book except for holding back information. She did what all the cheaters seem to do and trickle tortured me for 10 additional, unnecessary months before I finally got the bulk of the truth via the AP and the OBP. I had to lie to get the truth ironically. This did get my WP to own up to everything and give me the whole story in her words. She is in IC and with a second nutritional therapist to deal with her anorexia. She has many problems to deal with from childhood trauma/abuse which seems to be par for the cheater's course (Good afternoon folks and welcome to the 2022 Wayward Open, presented by Jack Daniels). I have bounced around and I think finally found a good IC with plans to do EMDR.

So here I am in the gutter. I am as devastated as day 1 because of or maybe regardless of trickle truth. I have somehow avoided losing my job but I have been an absolute wreck this entire year. I haven't had even 1 full "good day". Just an occasional partial day of clarity/hope. My wife hates herself and is disgusted with herself (as she should) but she doesn't let that be the focus. She focuses on me when I let her but it's hard to accept and it's impossible to trust her. Over this past year, communication has opened up (I imagine that is pretty common because once you say you did this horrible of a thing, why not say anything?). We have identified problems in the marriage and both of us know what needs to be done to fix them on each side. We tried a couple different MC but I felt like they were a waste of time. We have known each other since age 13 so once we communicated, we figured things out better than any MC could. With plans in place, I can see how we could actually have a better marriage than before but DAMN, it hurts so much. I don't know if I can or should stay. My children are almost grown, the youngest is a high school junior. I would like to stay in the house until he graduates if I'm going to leave, but I just don't know what to do.

"Write it all down, it might make you feel better". Nope.

Sex went on for about a year
and trickle tortured me for 10 additional, unnecessary months

She got you good. Both of those time spans are tough. Sex with the other man for a year, Jesus that's cruel.

It's all wrapped in her childhood issues, now mental health issues. Quite a tangled mess you got there.

Any man would find this difficult to deal with, you're not alone there.

From your post, you seem to be clear headed about this, that's good. And hopefully now you've got the whole story, that's good, too.

Hopefully she's stopped being a destructive, selfish [I better not say what]. In other words, hopefully her IC is going to enable her to behave herself from now on. And be a wife you can be proud of.

You monitoring her much at this point, are you confident it's over?

Sounds like you have researched thoroughly about what will happen and what needs to happen.

I just want to wish you good luck on this terrible, painful journey. Hope it all works out well for you and you can begin living some semblance of a good life without all this mental pain and anguish.

My story has many parallels to yours. Many. Some are worse, at least subjectively to me what my wife did is "worse" but everyone’s story is the worst theyve ever experienced. The high school sweethearts married for two decades hit with a long term affair, the extended trickle truth, all that is there in my story, too.

It ain’t easy man. Not gunna lie about that.

But…….

It can get better, and maybe even good enough to stay married and be reasonably happy even if you’ll always walk with a limp.

Hang in there. Take the advice that works for you and ignore the rest. The "burn the witch" crowd will be along shortly to tell you to DNA test your grown children and a whole host of other unhelpful bullshit, so I’ll turn the mike over to them now and revisit in a page or two…..this thread has all the markings of a fifty pager.

You have three choices, you can stay, work on your marriage and hope you forget at some point. You can stay and accept that this is your marriage and hold a grudge for the rest of your life.
You can leave and find happiness somewhere else and try to explain to your adult children why you’ve had to do this.

Cheating is a choice. She chose to cheat over a long period of time. Then she kept you off balance for months trickle truthing.

So, find a gym, walk, run, ride a bike, buy a Porsche. Get yourself something else to focus on by your self. She is not invited. You have to give your brain some downtime.

Can you clarify the timeline? How long did her and this boss work together? Was the affair over after Dday or did it continue for some time afterward? I’m just trying to track when the affair ended vs when her lying ended.

Was the boss leaving the company related to his affair with your wife? It sounds like the affair was suspected/outed and he had to leave the company. It also seems likely, given the circumstances, that your wife felt she had to the confess— to the bare minimum of what she could get away with, of course— because she was on the cusp of getting outed anyway.

Please understand… no matter the state of your marriage, this affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. You have been with her since you were a teenager; you have been living in this so-called "dead marriage," and yet you never cheated on her or tortured her with ongoing lies.

Now for some practical advice:

-If your work performance is suffering, please have a talk with your manager, provided you have a decent relationship. You don’t have to get very detailed; just saying that you’re having a lot of serious problems at home and have been depressed might suffice. You don’t want to lose your job when a recession is imminent and feel like you’re reliant on your WW for support.

-Find an individual counselor. You have experienced a severely traumatic event and need professional help. Also, having a counselor that is looking out for your interests— as opposed to a counselor that is focused on the marriage— might help you process your emotions and decide what to do next.

-You may want to consider a trial separation or at least a brief time a part. Your wife’s very presence is probably a HUGE trigger right now. Even though your instinct is to want to turn to her for comfort, at the same time, you need a break from the constant discussions and constant reminders of the affair. Also, being away from you might be a good opportunity for her to reflect on what she’s done and the heavy toll her actions have costed.

Lastly, how are your kids at home holding up? Even if they don’t know anything about the affair, they have to have some idea that something is amiss.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:26 PM, Monday, December 12th]

Your post is me three years ago, almost word for word. With my wife since high school. Wife had affair with boss for more than two years. She also had trouble breaking away from the affair and confessed because she couldn't handle the guilt. She hit her rock bottom and then became a "model" remorseful wayward wife. We're reconciled but it has been tough. It's was and is a lot of work for both of us. And only worked once I realized I had to accept that it happened, that this crap is now part of our history, and that I don't feel she's the same person now that she was during her affair. Good luck to both of you. Look after yourself first and hang in there.

Can you clarify the timeline? How long did her and this boss work together? Was the affair over after Dday or did it continue for some time afterward? I’m just trying to track when the affair ended vs when her lying ended.

They worked together for several years before flirting began in early 2020. This turned physical in 2020 and after about 6 months they had a "come to jesus" moment and decided it needed to stop. That lasted for a few months and they started back in until it was ended in January of 2022 when she confessed to me. The lies all revolved around her saying that there was only one instance of sex and that it had happened 6 months prior to the confession. The truth was that they had sex the night before she confessed. It did end at that point. This is maybe the one and only thing that I know for certain. I knew something was wrong with the story and all this year I pressed her and all this year she maintained the same lie. I finally got the entire story just a couple weeks ago. She did not deny any of it. She admitted to lying and added some details to my version of the stroy. I'm sure there is more and I will probably always feel that way but I am also sure that it is over.

Lastly, how are your kids at home holding up? Even if they don’t know anything about the affair, they have to have some idea that something is amiss.

The kids are doing fine. They don't know what is going on but they know something is going on. I see them doing little things to support in their own way. Random hugs and helping out more. This is usually towards my wife (unfortunately for me) because they see her hurting, but it's great to see either way. They are such fantastic kids and make me a proud father.

Kids tend to become scared after dday. They don't understand what's wrong,they just know something is very wrong. They may even think one of you is ill. Or they're blaming themselves.

We encourage age appropriate honesty. Your kids are older. It's ok to tell them mom had an inappropriate relationship.

Doing this will shine a light for them. They will know its not them,and they won't be confused. It also is a way to teach them what infidelity really is,and not the romanticized crap they see in the movies.

Yes, they will be mad. After all,mom betrayed them just as she did you. And that's ok. Your wife will need to work with them on that.

For a BS, it's the not knowing,and the lies,that are so devastating. It's the same thing for the kids.

It can get better, and maybe even good enough to stay married and be reasonably happy even if you’ll always walk with a limp

.

This is a great description of marriage after an affair. Many thanks for the words, Wiseoldfool! I also like the "burn the witch crowd" analogy. I have also found that to be disturbingly true.

This is really sad to read. So sorry for you.
The TT will eat a hole in you. It will continue to. You will unconsciously be waiting for the other shoe to drop, asking yourself if you will ever know the truth (you can never know every detail - it sucks but that is the acceptance part).

I recommend you hand her a stack of yellow tablets and tell her to start writing a timeline from the first time they met through the first time the attraction started on up to the last Dday. You may find it helpful to have the first few pages to be an outline of the relationship listing every significant event, before she fills out the body text.

Because she has proven to you that she only acts in her best interest (even her confession was an act of self-preservation, she determined it was better for her overall well-being to tell now than continue to hide it) you can tell her that you do not believe anything she says or writes that cannot be confirmed. Therefore, you intend to have the contents of the timeline confirmed by polygraph, as in, "Did you omit any detail in the timeline thinking he would be hurt further by it?"

You need to determine what it is you want, from your relationship, the marriage, the timeline, the poly, your life even. The answers to those items will determine if you even need a timeline. But if you choose to stay, holes in her story will eat you alive. Remember, the only thing you can confirm so far is she is willing to lie to your face to protect herself. That you KNOW.
All the best to you.

The lies all revolved around her saying that there was only one instance of sex and that it had happened 6 months prior to the confession. The truth was that they had sex the night before she confessed. It did end at that point. This is maybe the one and only thing that I know for certain.

Ok so that makes it twice, I hope you just don't take that at face value, they were already cheating and had plenty of opportunities, workplace As are notorious for "BJs in the car" or quickies during lunch time, I strongly suggest a complete written timeline followed by a polygraph, also this may not be her first rodeo, did you both get tested for STDs/STIs ? if not, go ahead and do it, some STDs could remain dormant for years and early detection is important for treatment.

Ok so that makes it twice, I hope you just don't take that at face value, they were already cheating and had plenty of opportunities, workplace As are notorious for "BJs in the car" or quickies during lunch time, I strongly suggest a complete written timeline followed by a polygraph, also this may not be her first rodeo, did you both get tested for STDs/STIs ? if not, go ahead and do it, some STDs could remain dormant for years and early detection is important for treatment.

No, it wasn't just twice. I didn't explain that very well. Originally I was told it was once, 6 months prior. In reality, it went on for a year and ended a day before she confessed.

First and foremost, I am so very sorry you are facing this horrific betrayal and the intense pain of the fall out. Truly I am. "Cheating" doesnt come close to describing what you're facing. In truth, this is what I call marital treason. Your CW did the one thing that would sever the marital/pair bond, possibly for good.

No, it wasn't just twice. I didn't explain that very well. Originally I was told it was once, 6 months prior. In reality, it went on for a year and ended a day before she confessed.

This isnt "Trickle Truth", this is Niagara Falls coming down on your head.... again. Theres a reason people say it here over and over again, Its not just the A that kills the possibility of starting over (cause the old M is well and truly dead), its the lies. Lying of this magnitude is catastrophic. It is no wonder you are still reeling.

So. Where to from here? Cooley2 gave a good synopsis:

You have three choices, you can stay, work on your marriage and hope you forget at some point. You can stay and accept that this is your marriage and hold a grudge for the rest of your life. You can leave and find happiness somewhere else and try to explain to your adult children why you’ve had to do this.

And goes on to say:

So, find a gym, walk, run, ride a bike, buy a Porsche. Get yourself something else to focus on by your self. She is not invited. You have to give your brain some downtime.

Herein, I believe, lies the key to recalibrating your efforts almost one year later, that being, focusing on you. If you remain in your current state:

So here I am in the gutter. I am as devastated as day 1 because of or maybe regardless of trickle truth. I have somehow avoided losing my job but I have been an absolute wreck this entire year. I haven't had even 1 full "good day". Just an occasional partial day of clarity/hope

Then what is this all for? Its obviously not sustainable. You need a reset, a new plan.

My recommendation is to cease the frantic efforts trying to help fix "the marriage". The very minute you started in on the "my marriage was stale" theme from the get go, I was concerned (her answer to fixing a "stale marriage" was to kill it btw...kinda like swatting a wasp with a hand grenade...problem solved but there are no survivors). As is said here ad infinitum, marriage is 50/50, adultery is 100% on the betraying spouse. If you are not pouring into yourself before all else right now, save your children, your chances of making it through this with a sustainable level of vitality in your life are measurably decreased.

What I mean is, eating right, hydrating, regular exercise somewhere out of the house, having a social life, individual therapy for the trauma/ptsd, getting help with anxiety and/or sleeplessness, taking up old or new hobbies, etc. When was the last time you went out for a beer or two with your buddies? The last time you went to a concert, a sporting event, a car race, anything that didnt involve "fixing the marriage" or helping the family? I am asking you to consider backing off the "save my marriage/make it better" efforts and start working on saving yourself and making you better. I know whereof I speak.

You dont need to cut off all efforts on the marriage front, maybe have a set weekly meeting to discuss where you are as a couple, but outside of that, no deep discussions for now. This may also mean sleeping in the guest room for a while, possibly even seperating. Anything to give you some space to regroup, re energize, recalibrate, recover. Start out by doing one new thing a week, just for you.

Good news is the decision about your future with or without your wife doesnt need to be made anytime soon, BUT, you need to be in a far better place to make it.

Listen, you are 44 years old youve got a lot of good years ahead of you. You seem to be a good guy. You obviously care about your family. You are gainfully employed. Youd be a sought after individual should you decide to D and put your cards on the table again. I have friend who was in a very similar situation and after much angst, chose D, and is shocked by the amount of attention he is getting from high quality ladies. Shocked I tell you.

I say that to say, you have options sir.

Strength to you and clarity in the days ahead.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 6:04 PM, Wednesday, December 14th]

You're in the mainstream, everyone is still in pain 11 months after dday. If the IC does not help you move the needle, what do you think of the idea of a trial separation Bluerthanblue mentioned in early 2023?

What are you doing just for yourself? This is a time where it's ok to be a bit "selfish" so to speak.

One of the hardest things to deal with in a situation like this is dealing with the injustice. She deprives you of agency for at least a year, enjoys herself immensely (no matter what she tells you), then relieves her guilt by placing the emotional pain on you to make herself feel better, expects you to deal with it and stay together, expects you to suck it up for the kid's sake, then lies for another year.

If by the book you mean typical selfish cheater, yes. You can get past this with a lot of work but in the end, you will have to reconcile with yourself. Can you deal with this or will you feel doubly cheated? Does she "win"? This is an answer that you can only come to within yourself. This is not an issue of "letting it go". It's an issue of self awareness and determination to take back your agency.

You get there by leading the life you want, not what is good for her, society or even the kids. Buying a Porsche is not the answer. Living the life YOU want on YOUR terms is.

Her going to a nutritionist will solve nothing. Identifying past marriage issues (you don't take the garbage out) will solve nothing.

You are just getting started. You are not one year in. You are roughly a month in. So take your time to identify your needs. Then observe and feel your way to the point where YOU decide what YOU want. Nothing else matters.

That is beautifully put LSS1952.

expects you to deal with it and stay together, expects you to suck it up for the kid's sake, then lies for another year.

There was never an expectation for me to stay although with just 1 year of school left, I would suck it up for my son if needed. Her behavior since the initial confession has left me wondering if she just never expected me to consider staying, if she is specifically trying to torture me or if she is just stupid.

Can you deal with this or will you feel doubly cheated? Does she "win"? This is an answer that you can only come to within yourself. This is not an issue of "letting it go". It's an issue of self awareness and determination to take back your agency.

You get there by leading the life you want, not what is good for her, society or even the kids. Buying a Porsche is not the answer. Living the life YOU want on YOUR terms is.

Her going to a nutritionist will solve nothing. Identifying past marriage issues (you don't take the garbage out) will solve nothing.

Nobody wins in this. This situation has at least 4 losers and I am the biggest loser. I don't care about that however. I don't need to win or lose anything. I will move forward on my terms and I will put me and the younger son that needs me first.

Her going to a nutritionist IS part of what is needed to solve things. This is part of her IC and she has MANY things to fix, regardless of whether she is married to me or not. Identifying past marriage issues IS part of what is needed to solve things. These things were critical to be identified by both of us. This is not just about the marriage we had but part of what is needed to come out of the other side of this as a stronger person, regardless of the marriage's outcome. If this cannot be used to better myself, all the pain is for nothing.

When was the last time you went out for a beer or two with your buddies? The last time you went to a concert, a sporting event, a car race, anything that didnt involve "fixing the marriage" or helping the family? I am asking you to consider backing off the "save my marriage/make it better" efforts and start working on saving yourself and making you better. I know whereof I speak.

I think this is where my story varies from others. Yes, I said the marriage was stale but that was a small portion of a long happy marriage at that point. I was not "stuck" in this marriage. I have not ever avoided doing things that I want. I have had a great marriage outside of a few stale years and the part where she was screwing another dude. Leaving is all that I have to gain by leaving. I may need to leave to be happy. That is not yet set in stone.

TIJAT, welcome to the worst club.none of us ever wanted to join. You're a far better man than I am. I never considered reconciliation. My now exwife tried, but I never considered it.

I think you will find this place a wellspring of wisdom and support as you walk the very difficult path you've chosen. There will be far wiser minds than I popping into to offer advice and support.