I am hopeful that you are busy with the family visit, and not staying away from this life line of a community.
Almost 7 years ago, I was you. I was willing to see my faults and my portion of the marriage. I was willing to hear how I had failed and what I had missed and what expectations I did not live up to.
I hadn’t been happy enough when our kids were born….
I wasn’t emotionally available…
I didn’t appreciate not just what she did, but her as a person…
I did not respond to her needs…
I was disconnected…
I am very certain you have heard many of those same things. I spent the next two years working on being a better husband, father and spouse. As that work progressed I began to realize that I had not been so shut off.
I had become non-confrontational because she would always make it about her and say it was all her fault. Afterwards she would shut down for a few days.
I did not respond to her needs because she either didn’t know them or wouldn’t want it from me if she had to ask. Why? Because it felt cheap and like I didn’t care if she had to ask.
While she had been running around working on her degrees and certifications, she had been an absentee parent. She resented that the kids would call me to ask permission for something, when she was home. She did not feel connected to the family at all.
As for appreciation, how will you ever feel that when you don’t believe in yourself? Every compliment, every thank you was deemed as contractually required as a spouse.
While you are healing and working on yourself, please take time and review all of your interactions and patterns in the marriage. I bet you will find something very different under the hood.
Lastly, as other posters have stated, she has had more than ample opportunity to choose another direction which involved honesty and principles. You did not force her. Unfortunately taking blame allows us to feel as if we have control, we don’t.
