SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello and New Year's Greetings,

My postings are somewhat rare, but when I do post, they are usually book length for whatever reason(s). Not so today. Y'all will be the beneficiaries of my shortest post ever today because it's apparent that I lack whatever internal mechanism, psychological tools, or perhaps just plain emotional intelligence to indentify one common, central component to any successful reconciliation.

Acceptance

I have read on this forum (most recently the thread on trying to figure out infidelity related forgiveness) and in several other places/books etc. and still can't quite grasp the concept in the context of infidelity. I mean, I see and hear the words/explanations...but they do not settle for me...at all.

I have lots of questions...but promised a nice concise post for once. So I will just ask.

What is your working identification of/definition of "acceptance" in the context of your infidelity experience?

Feel free to use small words to increase my chances at comprehending and making progress with this

As always, thanks so much in advance for your time and investment in your repsonses.

WH

[This message edited by Wounded Healer at 4:25 PM, Wednesday, January 4th]

Acceptance is:

Understanding that it happened and you cannot change it.

Understanding that what happened will always be a part of the fabric of your life and of your relationship

Understanding that whatever happens, you have a choice, and you can choose not to accept continuing the relationship

Understanding that each of you has free choice, and that we are all responsible for our choices

Understanding that it's not necessarily the OP's fault--if someone is going to cheat, it could be anyone (however, the OP is responsible for their choice to BE that someone)

Understanding that forgiveness needs to be earned, not freely given

Drawing boundaries about what you will and will not accept

I did not reconcile, but I think acceptance is necessary whether you do reconcile or not.

I am also NOT one of these people who thinks you need to forgive to heal. I think that's BS. Some people do not deserve to be forgiven because they did zilch to earn that forgiveness. I do believe you need to ACCEPT to heal, but you DO NOT need to forgive, especially if the WS is non-remorseful, or continues to be cruel (mine continued a war for a DECADE after the divorce was final).

Cat

A wise thing I’ve recently seen (on social media of course) is that lack of forgiveness is actually self punishment in a lot of cases.

Forgiveness for me equals acceptance and letting go of the anger, it doesn’t mean condoning the affair. It means realising that some things cannot be changed, the past cannot be changed, I needed to accept that it happened and look into the future, whatever that future is (reconciliation or not).

Being in a perpetual state of anger only punished me. Did not punish my WH. Did not punish the ow. They slept ok at night. They ate ok. They did not have nightmares. They did not lose a huge amount of weight. They struggled to understand my pain, even with all the remorse in the world a cheating spouse will never understand the full extent of the inflicted damage. In some respect even I struggle to understand the full extent of my pain, now, years out. Or better said, the way I reacted. I thought I knew myself…

So for me acceptance meant letting go of anger for the things that happened and were outside of my control, stop punishing myself and living my life to the best of my ability.

Luna,

Just because I chose not to forgive doesn't mean I'm burning up with anger or using his portrait as a dartboard.

It just means that due to his behavior, I am not granting him an unearned gift.

Cat

For me, I am starting to think every human has their very own nuanced definitions of most words and acceptance and forgiveness appear to have a great range of meaning in our forum here.

Acceptance to me, specifically regarding infidelity is acknowledging the facts of what happened. I accept the fact I was cheated on, but I don’t ever have to be ‘good’ with it, I can hate the facts until the end of time quite comfortably.

Forgiveness to me, specifically regarding infidelity is I let go of punishment, vengeance and resentments — in order to allow a chance to build a relationship. It isn’t exoneration.

No one I know who has been cheated on ever wakes up and says, "I am so glad this horror show happened to me!"

I can and will always hate what happened. I just don’t have to hate my wife forever for what she did on her own worst days.

It is impossible for the scales of justice to be balanced, so I accept that as a fact.

I can also live in the present with the person who hurt me, if, and only if, they have worked to be a far better and safer partner.

I think in order for a chance at a healthier relationship, I had to accept that my wife is a human who hurt herself with her fall from her own standards — far more than she hurt me (although I think my pain on the receiving end of her choices is FAR greater than hers).

I understand that a lot of people consider any form of acceptance or forgiveness and equate it with a free pass. But any WS with any kind of conscious doesn’t get a free pass. If a WS stays and works to be better and for a better M, they still live with the pain they caused until the end of days.

Ultimately, I have to be in a relationship where no one holds something over another forever. I can’t live in misery and resentment (I did that for a long time already) — I have to live in a relationship where there is vulnerability, love and working toward better days.

Just because I chose not to forgive doesn't mean I'm burning up with anger or using his portrait as a dartboard.

In my post I explained what forgiveness meant for me. By other people’s description of forgiveness and what it means for them, I did not forgive either.

For me forgiveness meant acceptance of what happened and the fact that I cannot change it. For other people it means much more. I know BSes who sat down with their WSes and offered forgiveness. I don’t feel I owe it to my WH to do so.

Let’s just say I’ve forgiven myself (for the way I reacted, for not being kind to myself) rather than my WH’s infidelity, if that is easier to understand.

I did equate forgiveness with acceptance and acceptance with letting go of the anger. That worked for me.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:02 PM, Wednesday, January 4th]

For me, acceptance is a sensation in my chest that my W, whom I loved and love, betrayed me, that I'm very sad about that, and that I'm nevertheless OK.

For me, acceptance had to do with accepting that it happened and that no one could go back and change what had happened. It also had to do with being able to moving past the injustice of it all. I’m not suggesting that I no longer see what my husband did was wrong - OBVIOUSLY it was. I just needed to be able to think about it without getting hung up on that fact.

I agree with everything emergent8 posted.

That is acceptance defined IMO

Since I mentioned "How can I forgive you" in the other thread.

Acceptance is:

Honoring and feeling the full sweep of emotions.

No longer feeling a need for revenge and that you have something close to a just resolution (justice may not be achievable realistically)

Not obsessing with the injury.

Knowing you have put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

The offenders behavior is defined by their struggles, you don't internally blame shift.

You carefully weigh the good and bad of the offender and have decided to carry on a relationship with them.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:54 PM, Wednesday, January 4th]

To me personally, acceptance is more a feeling than a determination. In other words, you FEEL acceptance; you don't decide to accept.

How does the feeling actually feel?

When you think of what happened, you don't want to throw up. You don't feel rage. You don't cry or want to cry. You don't begin to ruminate and get stuck in the thoughts. It doesn't ruin your day. It doesn't cause mind movies. Or thoughts of revenge. Or the all-encompassing, "Why? Why? Why?" to go through your mind. You don't go into investigative mode or come up with one more question you need answered. You don't check, check, and more checking to grab onto some feeling of safety.

You can just think of it and it passes, very little emotional charge.

In my view acceptance shows up in degrees after months and years. After a year, you feel 28% for example. After two years you may have removed 40% of the sting. Three years might be 70%. And on and on. If it never comes even after R or D, it's a problem that needs to be addressed professionally because no event should have the power to control you or your emotions. You need to get that power over your life and the way you feel about your life back. But it takes time and it takes work. We have to poke and prod the beast until we have completely tamed it. We have to turn over every emotion about the betrayal and loss until we have reframed the events and taken our power back. Until the pain is gone. Because we are not trying to accept the facts. That part is fairly easy. What we have to accept is the emotional fallout from the facts. We have to accept that we feel this, that, the other thing. And face it all--the hurt, the low self-esteem, the fear, the rejection, the uncertainty. And we have to process all of that in a healthy manner until the facts don't cause this emotional cascade.

This is how it works with all trauma, not just infidelity. Nobody wants to accept that something unacceptable has happened to them. But we have to. How else can we enjoy our lives after terrible things have unjustly and unfairly happened--death, divorce, crime, betrayal, loss, disappointment, victimization? And we deserve to enjoy our lives damn it. We deserve it! So we fight to accept and let the pain go.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:23 PM, Wednesday, January 4th]

As always, I appreciate so much all of your shared investments here.

Much of this is fascinating...and if I'm being brutally honest...still so confusing to me.

This is just so mind/heart twisting to me. I honestly don't klnow where I am at personally in all of this.

I mean, I have accepted the facts. I'm not in some sort of delusion about that. It happened. Nothing I can do about it. But, after that it goes all drunk-squirrel-rocket-science for me. Such as...

Okay...I (using Oldwounds' words) HATE the facts. I'll go even a step further...I RESENT the "facts". I am BITTER towards and ANGRY about the "facts". But...I honestly have released any sense/desire for punishment for my fWW in relation to them. I direct no anger towards her regarding them. She has done and demonstrated the things necessary to "earn" that. But...I am still bitterly angry about the "facts". At the "facts". And this seems like such a dangerous razor's edge to dance on all the time for me. And I even question if it's possible to even REALLY do this. I mean, can I really DEEPLY RESENT the "facts" and keep my fWW totally separate from them? Can the "facts" anger me without that anger being associated in any way to my fWW? Can I indefintely keep the insult and indignity somehow separated from my fWW with "acceptance"? I mean, I am doing it...but then...again...if I'm brutally honest...I sometimes even resent THAT. I did not have to push through feelings of anger/bitterness/resentment and work to keep those things spearated from my fWW prior to infidelity. And it is a TON of emotionally exhausting work. Even with a fWW giving me her best all of the time. And I resent that. I resent having to work so hard emotionally to simply NOT be bitter and angry and resentful toawrds my wife.

And all of this does not even take into account the PAIN still being experienced.

So...ugh. Just ugh. So it seems I "get" acceptance on some level...but on another level I feel totally lost.

And I just think as I have turned this over and over in myself seeking to keep moving forward that I just think I have a ridiculous time "fully" accepting this becuase it's not somehting that just happened TO me. It was CHOSEN FOR me. I think I could get to some level of at the very least FULLER acceptance if it were some random horrible thing that happened TO me. A bridge collapsing as I drive over it, a meteor falls on my foot, a shark comes up and bites me in the a$$ while vacationing in the Gulf. But, to have this chosen, knowingly, willingly, purpsosefully...by our Beloved(s). I can accept that it happened. Release the perpetrator from punishment and being a target for my anger and bitterness abd resentment over the "facts" of the infidelity...but it sure does not feel like capital "A" Acceptance. And, man, even more crazy is the fact that, at least on paper, it sure looks like I have possibly forgiven...but likely have not accepted. What a twisted hamstrung unicorn thing that would be.

I'm rambling now. Should probably go back and clean a bunch of this post up...but I'm gonna leave it.

Thanks so much again (and sorry?) for reading...

WH

Thank you again to EVERYONE,

OIN, I cross posted with you. Am reading and re-reading and re-reading your post. Thank you for typing all of that out.

WH

Wounded Healer,

It sounds like you've accepted that it's happened but you're still working on getting past the injustice part. That's okay and totally normal, especially on the timeline you're on. I just want you to know that I have felt and agonized over EVERY SINGLE ONE of the feelings that you're describing. In fact, you described them so well that it almost physically transported me back to that time period.

I resented all of it too. I REALLY resented that it somehow became my job to fix something I didn't break. Here's the thing, it was ME that was suffering because of it. I told myself I deserved to be happy and to be in a good marriage, full stop, and MY happiness is MY responsibility. If you've chosen R, and it sounds like you have, getting past the resentment and the overwhelming feelings of injustice are YOUR work.

WH-

...I lack whatever internal mechanism, psychological tools, or perhaps just plain emotional intelligence to indentify one common, central component to any successful reconciliation.

I think you're as normal as normal gets with the unique Hell of infidelity.

I don't think there is ONE common, central component for successful reconciliation.

Infidelity behavior is strangely similar, and the similar/exact same excuses WS make on discovery day are like a bad Twilight Zone episode on a loop. However, the recovery from being betrayed -- is a whole other animal, and very, very individual.

When I boil it all away, I initially stuck around out of shock -- because I couldn't understand how my wife did what she did and chose what she chose.

It turns out, I'm never going to fully understand.

The curious case of my wife's horrible choices turned out to be just as shallow and horrid as every other story here. No evil spells were cast, no lost time or alien space ships. And it often seemed as if my wife was in just as much disbelief as I was.

We never told her family, because they would have disowned her completely.

They are as black and white as it gets.

Hell, that's how I was raised too.

The two most surprised people that my wife and I are happy again are me and my wife.

I got here, not because of magical thinking or because I looked the other way.

I've learned that sometimes two things can be true.

My wife can be a good person who also chose to do bad things.

Same for me, I'm not on the short list of consideration for Sainthood. Not now, not ever.

We built a new bridge out of brutal honesty, but I don't mock her choices now like a did the first couple years after her confession.

Intent is tough to prove. That's why it doesn't work in the legal system either. But I did have to understand her intent the best I could. She never woke up one morning and aim to destroy me and obliterate my heart. Clearly, the result was I was destroyed and my heart was obliterated.

As I have learned along the way, I am NOT my wife's shitty choices.

She chose because she was at the lowest, low point in her life. AP got to hang out with a shallow, callow worst case scenario that I couldn't have imagined. Irony is my pain is not because of my esteem or my mistakes, but her shitty ego.

I can't control that. I can't control the past. I can't change a damn thing.

I can only control my response to adversity.

I chose to believe her intent was horrifically short sighted, selfish and a bunch of stuff she figured out in IC.

I chose to give her one more shot.

Anything else goes south from here, that's on me, and I'm good either way the M turns out. That knowledge boosts this "acceptance" word we're working on.

My mission now is to understand the person in front of me today and choose or not choose to be here.

Two things can be true.

I can hate the past actions, but I don't have to hate the person my wife is trying to be today.

I stayed very sick in active addiction for a long time due to my difficulty with 2 concepts which come up A LOT in recovery: acceptance and surrender.

I have experienced/endured a lot of abuse in my life. I was sexually abused by an uncle, emotionally and physically abused and neglected by my mom, who has bipolar disorder and borderline PD. I was betrayed in several intimate partner relationships and subjected to abuse in my 1st M as well.

When I was first forced into 12 step programs (due to my choices as an RN) I would listen and shine everybody on because I wanted to be out of trouble, not get sober. And every time the topics of surrender or acceptance were raised I quit listening. I had to sit there to get my paper signed but I wanted no part of those ideas. I do not surrender. I fight. I stand up for myself. I am not a pushover for anybody. And acceptance, my ass. To me, acceptance meant giving the people who hurt me a pass. It was saying that what they did to me was okay. And f*ck that.

When I finally got sober in 2008, somewhere along the line it finally clicked for me that acceptance does NOT mean what happened to me was okay. Acceptance meant that those things happened to me and I AM OKAY. That was huge for me. I don't have to give anyone a pass for what they did. But I also don't have to keep giving it power over me and keep screwing my life up.

I know you didn't ask about surrender, but it's too good not to share. One day I was in a meeting, 2-3 months after I came home from rehab the last time. And the topic was surrender. I was gritting my teeth, trying to stay focused and learn something. And I guy I respected greatly said this: "Surrender is nothing more than joining the winning team."

BOOM! I was blown away. It really was that simple. I was so tired of losing. I was so tired of hurting and trying to escape the pain. And when I stopped fighting, I discovered there was no one fighting me.

The Serenity Prayer is life in a nutshell for me. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." That's everything and everybody that ISN'T ME. That's especially the past. And other people's actions, opinions, beliefs.

"The power to change the things I can." That's, um, me.

"And the wisdom to know the difference."

Here's a really cool thing that happens sometimes. Often, when I quit trying to change some situation or person and simply work on changing my attitude and/or actions, the other person and/or the situation changes in response. That doesn't mean I changed them. It's a gift from God (or the universe, or whatever you accept as a Higher Power).

I hope some of this is helpful for you. It is always helpful for me to write this out and reaffirm it to myself.

Wounded Healer

oldwounds did a very good post - I don't have anything to add that would help.

But a repeat - you were walking along a path and a rock tumbles down the hill your are on and gives you a whack on the head.

I'm thinking that most cheaters are like that rock. They somehow get moving without any external help and then just tumble going with the flow of their behavior. I have only heard of a few people who purposefully set out to cheat. But they did cheat due to their own demons. She didn't start going down hill to inflict harm on you. You are collateral damage.

You suffered a blow and the wound has healed but the memory still tortures you. If your wife has become the wonderful spouse she should be in your marriage, you have the burden of healing yourself.

If you are still questioning her about events, write down the answer to your questions. Eventually you will have all your questions addressed. Then work on accepting all is history and can't be changed. When your brain goes back to events - you can look at your notes and see if you need any more detail for an answer. After enough repetition you will begin to accept a little better your situation and learn to not let the memories depress you so much.

Work on the present which is also to prepare for the future. Do so is a bit like learning to walk without a limp after a sports injury. You can do it.

First, you don't have to accept it as far as staying with your betrayer. Yes, it happened but some refuse to accept it in the sense that they leave their betrayer so they do not have to be reminded of it every day. They do not accept that burden, so they leave. A completely rationale strategy.

When we choose to accept the burden, a lot of the ideas already shared are relevant. I might add that to accept the burden, i think we need to be in touch with our own flaws. To see that we too betray our beliefs and ideals even if our betrayals are not nearly as obvious and painful.

I also think we need to believe that people can fix themselves and re-purpose themselves. That they can recover from a moment's or a year's madness. If I didn't believe that then I couldn't accept it. But believing includes seeing the proof of the change.

And I think accepting is weighing the pros and cons. Sometimes there are more pros despite the terrible, unthinkable con.

If I read your DDays right and remember your posts correctly, you’re less than two years out from finding out that your wife betrayed you terribly (twice) and then lied to you about it for a decade. You have (at least) a triple whammy: sexual betrayal, emotional betrayal, and her trashing you and fantasizing about replacing you with her AP.

Stop beating yourself up about not having figured out acceptance yet. Whatever acceptance is for you, it’s going to take longer to figure out than this.

It’s been 2.5 years since I found out about my husband’s affair, which was a less complex and less terrible situation than your wife’s. He has worked and is working incredibly hard on himself and to restore our marriage. Despite that, and despite loving him very much and vice versa, it wasn’t until the last few months that I started to get a vision of what acceptance might mean for me.

For me, it’s an emotional settling into the new post-infidelity reality of our relationship instead of churning over the betrayal again and again. That is NOT something that can be forced or intellectualized. You have to breathe and feel and scream and sob and pray and work and wait your way into it.

Focus on what you’re experiencing right now instead of beating yourself up for not being farther along in the healing process. Maybe acceptance today means accepting the feelings you have right now—accepting that they’re part of a long path toward healing and joy. It doesn’t mean you need to wallow and do nothing to improve your wellbeing, but this process is a lot harder if you do t give yourself grace and space to feel what you feel.

You control acceptance. It happens when you realize that you will be ok with or without your wife. Most who struggle due to the fact they do not think they can not survive without their wife . they can not guarantee that the wife will stay so they are stuck in limbo.

You will survive regardless of what your wife does.

[This message edited by rambler at 5:05 AM, Thursday, January 5th]