SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting. Feels like everyone starts off on the Just Found Out page, but I'm starting here. I found out about my husband's indiscretions 3 weeks ago. The details may or may not matter to you. He feels terrible and wants to make our marriage work. Married 20+ years with teens at home. I want to make it work, too, but I am confused. I have good days and bad days. He's bending over backwards to show me that he is serious about wanting to make it work. He says I don't have to make any decisions now. He will understand if I leave, but he doesn't want me to leave. After several years of bad sex, we have had some amazing sex in the last 3 weeks. For those that reconciled, what made you decide that you wanted to stay and fix the marriage?

Yes. It's way too soon to commit to R.

I chose R because I wanted it and because I saw my W doing the necessary work

She answered every question, and most of those answers did not put her in a good light. She took responsibility for her A. She did what I asked. She started to defeat her co-dependence. She committed herself to change from cheater to good partner, even though I held back on my commitment to R.

After 90 days of totally consistent R behavior, I committed to R, too.

R take 2 people willing to work to rebuild. You can't possibly know yet if your H is willing to do his work.

*****

You've been doing what is called 'hysterical bonding'. It's great while it lasts, but good sex is only one part of M.

Your H didn't cheat because of bad sex - and even if he did, he was part of the bad sex anyway. He cheated because of his own issues, issues within himself. For him to become a good partner, he needs to take responsibility for those issues and work to resolve them. That's his work.

What is he doing besides sex?

*****

Welcome to SI. I recommend reading a lot, including in 'The Healing Library'.

There's more to say in welcome, suggestions about how to make use of SI. I'll come back later to say it unless others say it before I can come back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:28 PM, Tuesday, January 10th]

Welcome to SI, you are too early to commit to R. You really have to observe his actions for a while and let the shock wear off. It is natural to want to forgive and move on, but it never works, he will continue his wayward ways or you will suffer in silence. There are many steps to considering R.

How was the A discovered? Did he confess or was he caught? Has he cut contact with the AP? Has he written a detailed timeline? There is usually a TT phase (Trickle Truth). If he is still lying about the details then he is still wayward. If he is defensive or tired of the same question over and over, he is still wayward.

This is a long journey to healing, a roller coaster ride of emotions and he needs to be there by your side helping you, you run this now and he’s is either in or out but no in between.

Hi, welcome, I agree with the others, it is way too soon.

Do you feel you have the entire story? I ask because cheaters lie, and lie, and deny and minimize. All of them.

Has he gone NC with the affair partner? (no contact) Do you know who she is? Do they work together?

Is he an open book giving you access to emails, voicemails, phone, social media? Accountability for his whereabouts.

Have you been tested for STDs?

Are both of you in IC?

Have you posted in Just Found Out, are you willing to share your story so members here can support you and help you navigate this nightmare?

So sorry you are now a member of the betrayed spouses group.

Yes, you should go to JFO (just found out).

You discovered his cheating, he didn't admit it. My guess is you are getting something like trickle truth.

You say he is bending over backwards. Can you elaborate? Has he given you a full timeline of the A? Read books on how to recover from an affair (specifically "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by MacDonald)? Full electronic transparency? Escrow account for a PI?

Hysterical bonding is great sex. It isn't a solution to anything though and it will eventually change to something more like your normal sex pattern. You can always improve on that normal pattern just don't expect HB to be a lasting turning point in your sex life.

My H made immediate and lasting changes.

It’s been 9 years and we are happy.

My immediate gut response to my husband’s affair was to want to reconcile. His too; he never wavered in that. We had lots of hysterical bonding great sex (it’s great; but doesn’t mean anything about the future of the relationship, imo).

I think our gut responses were pretty sound; there was a lot of investment and love and good years and positive things worth saving. But assuming reconciliation and committing to it from the get-go comes with HUGE down sides for the BS. I think it gave my husband a false sense that things would be ok, and that I would get over it on a much faster
timeline than was realistic. I think it obscured my utter devastation from him, and it didn’t give me space to step back and live with that devastation before committing to reconciliation.

Definitely don’t commit to reconciliation before you know everything you need to know. Cheaters tend to lie until they can’t anymore. My husband lied and gaslit me for a month, over and over after I first came across something that pointed towards him having an affair. Then I found proof, and he did a near-total about face, with a timeline and very little trickle truth. But we’re still dealing with how all the lying destroyed my psyche and our relationship. I had no idea what a toll that would take and how long it would take me to heal from it. And we’re on the less severe side of the infidelity spectrum, as far as stories here go.

You can lean toward reconciliation without committing to it. Sit with the pain for a while; find out the truth. See where you are when the hysterical bonding stops, and the long slog of healing begins. Take it a day at a time; take care of yourself. ❤️

So I responded to you in the general forum, but actually for this group of strangers to be of help, some additional details are needed. Usually this group has a great bullshit meter and can suss out when waywards are minimizing (see lying) to make their affairs sound less serious. What have you been told?

Thank you all for your support. I will try to answer some of your questions.

Besides sex, he is more engaged with what is going on with me. We have been spending more time together just hanging out and talking after the kids go to bed (normally we would be in separate rooms not interacting). He has been answering all of my questions without getting irritated. He didn't write out a timeline but has told me the timeline verbally. I didn't know that was a thing to write out a timeline.

I do not know the AP and she is not married/engaged (she isn't from his workplace). He has not been in contact with her since I found out. She is the one who reached out to me to tell me about the affair. She told me they had broken if off a few months ago. Neither of us knows what compelled her to reach out to me. I had suspected the affair a few months ago and he denied it. But when she reached out to me he couldn't deny it anymore. I do believe he has told me all of the truth now (it took several conversations). But maybe I'm too trusting. Who knows.

He got tested for STDs when he broke it off a few months ago. I still need to go.

I used to see a therapist a while ago and I have gotten back on her calendar. I suggested couples counseling but i decided to go back to my therapist first.

Is it terrible that I want to reconcile because of the kids? We live in a small town and all of my kids' close friends have parents that are still together. My kids would be absolutely devastated if we split up. Husband is a child of divorced parents and he says it had a very negative impact on his psyche and self worth growing up - he doesn't want that for the kids (I know - he should have thought about that before he cheated).

It’s not terrible at all to want to reconcile because of the kids, but it’s not enough to make reconciliation work, not by a long shot.

My opinion is love alone isn't enough for R. You need something practical and tangible like kids, house, shared business to make it worthwhile.

Is it terrible that I want to reconcile because of the kids? We live in a small town and all of my kids' close friends have parents that are still together. My kids would be absolutely devastated if we split up. Husband is a child of divorced parents and he says it had a very negative impact on his psyche and self worth growing up - he doesn't want that for the kids (I know - he should have thought about that before he cheated).

Is it terrible? Of course it isn't. We all have our reasons why staying is better than going. My wife and I admit that if not for our son, we would've called it quits and possibly before infidelity came into our lives. Where we sat three years ago now, one of the biggest factors for us was him and keeping him in a stable home, the only home he has ever known with both of his parents. At least for us, it was enough of a motivating factor for us to decide that we were going to give it another shot, but it was really just a starting point for us. A lot has changed for us over the last few years and that is because we both did a lot of work in IC to address our personal issues and to address ourselves.

He got tested for STDs when he broke it off a few months ago.

In my line of work, and probably others this exists, we have a saying "Trust, but verify". What we mean by that is when we are told information like "He got tested for STDs" we are willing to accept that but then we say, do you have a copy of the results with the date? Has your husband shared with you the email or the printout showing when his test was and the results? Cheaters lie and lie about everything.

Additionally, did your husband give you an explanation as to why "he broke it off" and furthermore how things were left? Did he just ghost this woman? Did he tell her that it was over? Has he now today since you learned of the affair sent a very clear "no contact" message to her that you have seen?

He didn't write out a timeline but has told me the timeline verbally. I didn't know that was a thing to write out a timeline.

The written timeline is a good exercise for the wayward as it forces them to look a little bit at their own behaviors and it also forces them to dig through the past and get as many details as they can recall in one place. It also helps them to see the extent of the damage they've done through their very deliberate choices. He didn't just wake up one day and decide to sleep with this woman, it was a gradual build up of events over time where he made hundreds to thousands of little choices towards betrayal. The first time one of them crossed a line that they knew was wrong, they then made a choice to do it a second time, a third time, etc. and the timeline helps them to see in black and white that they did this, albeit gradually, but it was not as so many fall into the trap of saying "a one time mistake".

My H made immediate and lasting changes.

Hmmm ... I think your usual level of detail may help here.

*****

My opinion is love alone isn't enough for R.

I agree absolutely, especially when it's usually the BS who still loves the WS. R is hard work. It takes 2 people who want to R, and it takes a WS who will do additional hard work to change from cheater to good partner.

*****

IMO, it's virtually essential to write down the timeline.

My reasoning is: one very basic requirement for R is for the WS to come clean and reveal as much as they can in a brain dump over a relatively short period. There's usually so much awful stuff that gets revealed, and I found it very difficult to take it all in at once. I had to go over the info time after time. My W's answers were entirely consistent over weeks (months?) of interrogation.

But 13 months after d-day, I thought she revealed something new, and I felt awful again. W said she had told me, and we pulled out the timeline - there it was. It wasn't new info - it was old info that I saw from a different POV.

If it had been new info, we had a new problem. But the TL showed it was old info.

*****

Coming clean is the important part of the TL, IMO. It doesn't matter how the WS comes clean as long as it's done pretty quickly, and as long as there are no more lies about anything after R starts.

My W doesn't think in terms of sequences; I do. So we did the TL with my asking questions and taking notes. I just didn't get much from what she wrote, so I got the events and sequences the way I wanted them.

Getting the info you need is what counts. The way you got it, not so much.

But writing stuff down is important. Believe it or not, you'll get to a point in which you don't quite remember the details.

Here's the thing. Cheaters lie. A lot.

Have you seen the results of his std tests? The paper copy?

He knows why she reached out and told you. She didn't just suddenly decide to do that,a few months after he stopped having contact with her.

Being more engaged with you,and having sex with you is nice, but it's not the kind of work a wayward needs to do to be a safe partner.

It's interesting that he's suddenly remorseful, yet he wasn't remorseful enough to confess. He wasn't sorry when you didn't know about the affair.

I wonder if the being in separate rooms after the kids went to bed,and the bad sex,was because he was having an affair...

It's always odd that the WS is suddenly so concerned about what they feel is best for the kids,once the affair has ended and they're no longer having fun. A cheating spouse is also betraying their children. They're putting their other parent's life at risk by exposing them to deadly stds, they take time from the kids to see the AP, they're risking their children's security, family, and happiness, by having an affair. Now he cares though. Does he realize he has also betrayed the kids?

Yes, have him wrote out the timeline. You will be asking him questions for a very long time. Once the shock has worn off,as time goes by,more questions will arise. You can compare his answers to the timeline.

It would be unusual for a freshly caught WS to have told their BS the truth,at less than a month from dday. Be prepared for more.

A polygraph is always a good idea.

It's good that you are in therapy, to help deal with the trauma. HE needs IC as well, to figure out why he cheated.

You're first few sentences speak volumes. You know you just found out,and that posting in JFO is where more fresh BS who land here post, but you want to skip all of that,and start posting here instead. You also cause his affair an indiscretion.

It sounds like you want to rugsweep. And maybe you want a quick fix. Rugsweeping prevents healing,and since the wayward is still wayward, another affair is nearly inevitable. And you haven't recovered yet. You're still in shock. Reconciliation is a process that takes years. It's not linear. It's a lot of work,on both parts. But right now, he does the heavy lifting. You're job is to watch his actions,amd take care of yourself right now.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:07 PM, Wednesday, January 11th]