SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

November 2017 I confessed to an affair with a coworker. The affair was about 1 year with us having sex 2 times. I gave him total disclosure and have remained no contact since DDay.

We immediately started on the path to reconciliation. I cut off all contact, started working with both a personal therapist as well as a marriage councilor.

I’m proud of the work I’ve done in the past 5 1/2 years— I’m not the same person. I have healthy interactions with men, stopped posting anything online, able to self validate… it’s been a long long journey and I can honestly say I’m proud of who I am today.

My husband is stuck. When I ask him if he is okay… especially during triggering dates… I’m always greeted with yes of course. But then the affair literally always comes up in arguments.
In good times he will brag about how good I’ve been through recovery…
And then we argue and he yells that I haven’t done any work and ultimately pulls the rug under my feet.

He has called me every name in the book, told me that he "knew I was cheating because my vagina felt loose." Last February he lost his temper and shoved me, resulting in a concussion/damaged patella and torn mensicus.
The stories go on and on and I’m at my wits end.

I have worked so hard to right my wrongs, to give space to heal. I have read every book, prayed every prayer. But I can’t handle this one side of the street life anymore. I can’t handle having my past thrown in my face.

I don’t want to throw around the abuse word simply because I know the depths of how I hurt him. I know MY actions were absolutely abusive.

But I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t even want to be around him anymore.

Maybe I’m just venting, maybe I’m looking for a good dose of hard truths.

I would appreciate thoughts/experience/guidance. Im just so so sad.

I don’t want to throw around the abuse word simply because I know the depths of how I hurt him. I know MY actions were absolutely abusive.

Yes your infidelity was abusive - sounds to me like you know that and that you own that. You can't unring that bell, but if you have done your work and you are a safe partner now that's the best you can do. However, regardless of what you did, it does not, repeat ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT, give him any 'right' to lay hands on you. There is no excuse for him doing that and you are not under any obligation to tolerate it. Full stop.

But I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t even want to be around him anymore.

I can imagine it's really hard to feel all this, especially being the fws. You know that your actions hurt him deeply, and I suspect that you're sticking through all of this in part because of guilt. Am I close there?

Here's the thing though. When I was trying for R with my xwh, yes I had a lot of (justifiable) anger at him. He made selfish choices that blew up my life and I didn't deserve what he did to me. I had reasonable expectations of him for assisting with the healing of me and our marriage. The key word there is 'assisting'. Because ultimately, he couldn't heal me - that was something I had to do for myself, as every BS does. It is a sucky part of being a BW for sure, but doesn't make it any less true whether I stayed with him or not. MY healing is MY responsibility. I know I struggled mightily with the inequity in that, and I think a lot of BS's do.

But you as the WS can only do what you can do (and that's doing your work - being honest and non-defensive, transparent, learning how to set healthy boundaries, etc). Point I am making in a roundabout way here is that your BH's healing is HIS responsibility. It always was. And so long as you know in your heart of hearts that you have done the work on your side of the street (which it sounds to me like you have), then he has to decide to take control of his own healing. If he can't or won't do that, that's not on you at this point.

If you're done, it's okay to say when. Infidelity or not, you don't owe it to him to be his emotional and physical punching bag.

He's been physically violent with you. That is unacceptable in every single way. You should physically remove yourself from this marriage.

It sounds like your BS hasn't done the work to heal. It's not a super popular opinion with some folks but I firmly believe the betrayed needs to do their own work on healing. Waywards have a big role to play in trying to provide a safe environment and bearing witness to the pain but they cannot heal the betrayed. Only the betrayed can do that ultimately.

You say you have done a lot of work and that's great but there might be more to do. You are in a situation where you are being physically abused and somewhere inside you think you deserve that. Even if there wasn't a physical altercation, you are describing feelings of not wanting to be married to him anymore yet you stay. I get it, I really do, but you don't deserve to be treated like a bad dog. Hell even bad dogs don't deserved to be hit.

Find the courage to honor your feelings and do what is right for you. Get yourself somewhere safe.

Abuse is never acceptable, in any form. Just as you had no right to abuse him,he has no right to abuse you. It sounds like you've done the work,and taken responsibility for the abuse you did towards him. But it doesn't sound as if he is doing the same.

You did the work. It's time to accept that it was most likely a deal breaker for him,and remove yourself from this abusive marriage.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:47 PM, Thursday, January 12th]

I stay because initially he was so willing to forgive and work with me to restore what I broke.

And then we moved— we moved 2000 miles away from all family. We both changed careers and gradually he has gotten worse and worse.

I also stay because we have 3 kids, I work as a pastry chef (long hours, little pay) and we live in a crazy expensive city.

I can honestly look God in the eye and say I have done everything in my power.

But I think you’re right— I don’t think he is able to get past this. He tells me he is, but every action proves no. I don’t know even how to start this process.

Just so tired of being sad. I want this to heal but there is nothing i can do.

Thank you for being a sounding board.

I stay because initially he was so willing to forgive and work with me to restore what I broke.

I thought this might be the case. Forgiveness is a much-discussed topic on SI with a lot of varying viewpoints, but for me I can be 'willing TO forgive' and still struggle mightily with actually forgivING. Kind of like the difference in apologizing cus someone told you to and apologizing because you really mean it. I'm not faulting your BH there, mind you. IMHO forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. So while he might have the willingness to do it, he might not currently have the means to. And that's sad all around but is is okay if that's the case.

Regardless of all I just said... it's great that in the early days that willingness was there. But if he's stuck in a loop on his side (which does happen), then HE has to figure that out for himself. I feel in your posts that you want to find something in your power to do that for him, but you just can't.

I don’t know even how to start this process.

Just my 0.02, but you start this process by getting really honest with yourself. As hard as it is to do, take the infidelity out of the equation for right now. Is this marriage that you have right at this moment one you want to be in?

BS's are often counselled similarly IME. As a new BW when I first got here, I was approaching the whole 'getting over the cheating' thing through the lens of our entire relationship. Yeah he cheated, but we had good times. Yeah he cheated, but he loves me. Yeah he cheated, but what about this thing or that thing from 5 years ago? More seasoned folks here at that time advised me to remove those past things and look at what IS right now. It was really hard to do that. But when I finally did do that? What my marriage was in the actual moment was not good , and was not something I wanted to be in anymore. Looking at what IS, instead of what I wish it could've been helped me tremendously in gaining some clarity. And with that clarity, it made it way easier to make the hard choice.

So I ask again, setting aside the past stuff, setting aside the infidelity, is your marriage right now today the marriage that you want?

If you want to give him a chance,go out to dinner,in a public place,when he is calm,and tell him he has to go to IC to help himself heal,and learn to control his anger,or it's over. Or separate while he works on hiself,and reassess after a few months.

Is your register date correct?

If so, if you don't mind me asking, why didn't you use this site along your journey, for guidance, and advice....even pertaining to how to address your BH?

Not that we are any magic-makers here; it's just a shame when you are apparently near your wits end, and there may have been some helpful advice along the way that may have had positive effects.....for the both of you.

KFi,

Just addressing the affair did you offer to write out a detailed timeline for the affair and take a polygraph to verify the timeline?

What were the consequences for the OM exposure, lawsuit, getting him fired etc. The fact that the OM gets away clean as a whistle can keep BHs in limbo forever. Does your BH feel like you protected him.

Did you get tested for STDs?

The abuse is not acceptable has he apologized?

[This message edited by survrus at 7:27 PM, Thursday, January 12th]

Just another thought - this thread has made methink-y....

So as to the healing for the BS, I have an analogy for that.

Let's say that I am driving along, minding my own business and I get plowed into by a drunk driver. As a result of that hit, I lose my leg. Now I can't walk, I have a ton of pain, and doctor bills, and rehab, and all the things. Sucks, right? It sucks that someone else made a selfish choice that caused me this much pain and damage. It isn't fair at all.

Scenario A: Let's say that my doctor orders me to go to therapy and physical therapy so I can learn to walk again and get myself back to as close to a normal life as possible. But it isn't fair, says I. Someone else did this to me, and it isn't fair that I have to do this work and put in this effort because of what THEY did.

Scenario B: Let's say that the doctor orders me to therapy and PT and I throw myself into it with gusto. I make all of my appointments and work my ass off. I go to my therapy appointments and really dig deep to sort through all of my feelings about this horrible thing that happened to me. I acknowledge that it is very unfair, but I don't let that stop me from doing what I need to to do to get back onto my feet (albeit if one of them is a prosthetic).

In which of these scenarios do you think I stand a better chance of getting my life back? In which of these do you think I would be able to move to a place of forgiveness?

For me, the infidelity was the emotional equivalent of being hit by a drunk driver. It is not fair in any way. But MY work was the emotional equivalent of going to my physical therapy appointments and figuring out my new normal. MY work is on ME. The drunk driver might feel terrible, but they can't do my PT for me.

I understand your BH's anger and hurt, cus boy I felt that too. But he has to square with that - you can't do it for him. And after a certain point, it's okay for you to put that responsibility on him. Way easier said than done, I know!

Hi Kfi2,

For reference my D-day was Feb. 2017 and I consider myself to have successfully R'd - so our timelines are similar. I'm a BS so I'm empathetic to what your spouse has gone through in the past five years. That said, triggers, sometimes out of nowhere, are normal. Anger - or even rage - in the early days is normal. Rage, this far out is not normal. Physical abuse (which is exactly what you've described) is never, EVER normal. I don't care if you're the most unremorsemful, unreformed Wayward to ever walk this earth (and it certainly doesn't sound like you are). You do not deserve to be constantly degraded. I'm genuinely worried for you that his problematic behaviour is escalating.

It sounds like your husband has gotten comfortable treating you like a scapegoat for every negative feeling he has. You will willing to be his punching bag for his upset feelings in the early days and he has gotten a little too comfortable with that arrangement. He is most likely depressed. Moving 2000 miles away from family and friends, especially in the aftermath of D-day is tough, and incredibly isolating. Men are often not great at making new friends after a certain age. Whatever has led to his current mental health though, it is his job to pull him out of it. Just as Ellie has pointed out, no one can do this for him. You cannot fix him. He needs to be willing to do the work himself.

You mention you've spent some time in IC and MC. Has your husband spent any time working with an IC? Has he seen a doctor about depression? Meds might stablize his mood a bit while he works on the other things. Is he exercising? Spending time outdoors? Involved in any hobbies that give him joy/personal fulfillment? I know that exercise gets bandied about as a cure-all for basically everything that ails you but its because it really does work.

But those are suggestions I would make to him if HE were here. It's you that is reaching out and it sounds like you're at the end of your rope and looking for permission to leave. If that's what this is, you absolutely have permission. Having an A does not mean that you deserve to suffer in an abusive marriage for all eternity. You absolutely do not deserve to be verbally and physically abused. You are worthy of happiness and peace and if you need to be apart to achieve that, I 100% encourage you to cut your losses. It may be that your leaving is the wake-up call he needs to turn things around, in which case you will be doing him a favour. Please know though, you are in no way obligated to stick around to see that he does this.

To answer a few questions:

Yes, full timeline was written out, verified etc and BH has said many times he feels confident he has the full story (which he absolutely does!! There was zero trickle truth)

The affair became very very public. The OM was exposed, lost his job as did I. We got exactly what was deserved in terms of exposure

Yes, I was tested for STDs… went through the testing twice.

In 2018 I frequented the site— I would read about what others were going through, I would read what the betrayed would write simply so I could grasp what he was going through. I never posted though, probably out of shame.

But at the time we were going through therapy as well as meeting with other folks going through reconciliation at my church. We had a strong support system.

But I also believed that doing the right thing would result in healing all around.

But I also believed that doing the right thing would result in healing all around.

I bet a LOT of people on SI wish this right along with you!!

I would encourage you to post in the wayward forum too. There's a lot of former waywards just like you that can give you some really good support and insight in a way that will just land differently coming from other people who have been right where you are and who have done the same work on themselves.

It's you that is reaching out and it sounds like you're at the end of your rope and looking for permission to leave. If that's what this is, you absolutely have permission. Having an A does not mean that you deserve to suffer in an abusive marriage for all eternity. You absolutely do not deserve to be verbally and physically abused. You are worthy of happiness and peace and if you need to be apart to achieve that, I 100% encourage you to cut your losses.

I imagine it must be a really tough spot to be in, being the wayward and feeling 'done'. Because if you choose to leave now, then you get double the 'blame' right? Nope. You've done what is in your power to do to heal the M and support your BH's healing. But what he chooses to do or not is not in your control. An old adage about horses and water springs to mind...

I too give you permission to make the choices that are healthiest for you and your future, whatever those may be. If you have to separate to live your healthiest best life, then that's okay. If that happens and he gets some space and chooses to work on his healing? Great. If he chooses to stay stuck and not do his healing work? That's not on you. And it's okay for you to feel proper remorse about that without taking 'blame' about it.

Unfortunately, doing "the right things" after dday doesn't mean there is remorse. Often, it seems as if the WS is simply checking boxes, waiting on their BS to "get over it."

That you say there was NO TT is quite unusual.

It does sound like this was a deal breaker for him. Even if he didn't want it to be. No matter how many right things you did afterwards, you had sex with another man.

Did the other man's wife find out?

Your husband sounds like he's drowning in pain. Unfortunately, he's been put in a position of having to heal himself. He may have thought,like you,that you doing the right things would heal him. But a.BS has to work on healing themselves. He may not understand that. Fortunately, if you have done the right things, it will help him heal himself. Its nearly impossible for a BS to heal, if they remain with an unremorseful WS.

Does he know about this site? I suggest you talk to him about IC,and suggest he post here. He will get the help he's needed.

Kfi2,

Perhaps this is an obvious question,

What does he say he wants or need from you.

Do you think he is waiting for you to say something but doesn't want to tell you because it would make it insincere.

Do the people at church understand the severity of cheating? Sometimes I've found that people at churches want to wave their hands and say it's Christian to forgive which makes a BH feel even more isolated.

Does your BH have anyone to talk to?

Let me chime in agreement that under no circumstances is it ok to lay hands on another person unless it is done in self defense which in your case wasn’t

That said, I get where your BS is coming from. I too when asked if I were ok responded that I was. Far from it in reality. I was never ok. The thoughts about her affair haunted me every day. Like you, she did everything she could to make things right. Except she couldn’t.

Sometimes an affair is just a dealbreaker. In the end I told my wife that even though I stayed for five years the die was cast the second time she slept with him. I’m a big boy who has been around and think I could have forgiven a one time stupid (hate the term) but mistake. The second time isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice that a WS makes cause the sex was good enough to make a conscious decision to go back.

Has he done any therapy? I should have done that as well as had my EX or someone draw out the hurt I felt. When we talked about this she regretted just accepting my ok, even though she knew I wasn’t, because things at this point we’re relatively peaceful and accepting what I said was an easier route than digging. I didn’t expound as I just didn’t want to open that door to the pain. Should have though. The wounds not treated just fester

My suggestion is to not just accept the ok. Be gentle, but push him a little to open up and tell you the truth about how he is feeling. It will be uncomfortable but worth it in the long run.

I hope things work out for you. Sometimes for many BS nothing will ever bring back a healthy loving relationship after an affair. Even if the WS moves heaven and earth

It also sounds like you have reached the end of your rope. Maybe you should call it quits. It might wake him up to see what he really wants looking at the prospect of losing you.

He may, like I would have say I agree, but at least you both have a say in ending the marriage. It’s just sad

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 10:14 PM, Thursday, January 12th]

Last February he lost his temper and shoved me, resulting in a concussion/damaged patella and torn mensicus.
The stories go on and on and I’m at my wits end.

Nopenopenope. Time to go! You have suffered for the abuse you perpetrated... did he have any repercussions for his violence?

I stay because initially he was so willing to forgive and work with me to restore what I broke.

I think a lot of BSs jump to forgive too quickly, hoping that by saying it, they'll feel it. Or just a desire to get back to the "before times," not realizing at the early stages (when we were in complete shock) what kind of emotional roller coaster lurked around the corner waiting to absolutely devastate us day after day.

It sounds like this was a dealbreaker for him. For both of your safety and sanity, it may be time to go your separate ways.

Even if you were an unremorseful WS, your BS has no right to harm you physically.

Concussion and messed up knee? Why are you still living with him? I'm not saying you need to D, but IMO you need to do more than you're doing to protect yourself.

Again, no one in an M has a right to harm their partner, no matter what that partner has done. No partner who has been physically harmed should stay within reach of the abuser.

Your most urgent problem is physical abuse. You're handling your infidelity by changing from cheater to good partner. Your H is an abusive partner. Protect yourself first - you can't help him heal unless 1) he wants to heal and 2) you're healthy.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:44 PM, Friday, January 13th]

Was he physically violent,verbally abusive, angry, etc. prior to your A?

The question is important with regard to whether he needs IC for this ingrained behavior or whether he needs IC to address his current behavior contextualized by the A.

Hi Kfi2,

Thank you for reaching out here.

Just a VERY quick note to echo what a few others have stated here in this thread regarding the physical abuse.

You mnetioned the physical abuse in a long list of other things that are issues in your marriage right now as if it were equal to them.

(Gently) It's not.

Everyting else is SECONDARY to that right now. EVERYTHING. ELSE. SECONDARY.

There is no going forward at all in any way while that is undealt with.

As important as the other issues are (and they ARE)...this one HAS to be dealt with, boundaried, counseled, ESCAPED FROM...IMMEDIATELY. With extreme prejudice. And with ZERO DELAY.

The gushing gunshot wound to the heart of your situation HAS to be treated before the broken bones and other bleeding places...as grave as those other injuries may be.

Take this first and immediate step. Then any other work needing to be done on the rest of the issues, the marriage (or divorce), each other etc...can be gotten to with far greater hope and effect.

Hoping all the best for you.

WH