SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am BS. My WH starred his affair a year ago. We grew distant before as he was suffering from ptsd but was hiding it behind other life events not realising until it full consumed him.

I called out the affair 2 months after it started. He didn't end it but didn't commit to it either as the mental health swung in full force and it transpires she became a crutch as such and was a trauma bond only to be released when the trauma was healed.

Well the trauma is healed and she is long gone. Now I'm left with my husband back but I feel nothing. I am on the fence with reconcilliation as I had no choice but to grieve him and our relationship and fall out of love with him. Now he goes to kiss me and I feel nothing. I felt nothing when I heared the AP moved country either. I just have absolutely no feeling towards him it seems other then anger he has come out if this with personal growth and I feel I'm just in limbo.

Is it normal to feel nothing or did you still feel love when reconciling? Is it normal to start from effectively nothing?

From my years here, and the stories I have seen, I would say that most couples trying to reconcile still felt a desire to do so. Certainly, most have emotional walls built up, which is not only expected, but pretty logical, IMHO, but total ambivalence is in a far lesser camp. Why try to reconcile if that is not what we want?

At some point, usually after a BS commits to attempt reconciliation, they have to take personal responsibility for their choices. It takes two to reconcile, and you aren't going to build any sort of intimacy without vulnerability. And to be vulnerable, you have to take risk, and put yourself outside of your comfort zone. Are you willing to do that?

Really, there are 3 main questions when it comes to attempting reconciliation after infidelity:

1. Do I even want to reconcile? What do I want my reconciliation to look like?
2. Is my partner even a good candidate to attempt reconciliation? Do NOT try to reconcile if this is not the case.
3. Am I willing to fully commit, and be vulnerable?

Without those three, the thought of reconciliation is a non-starter.

Thank you for your honest reply. My main reason for wanting to reconcile is because we have a toddler together and before he got ill when our child was a baby we were in an incredible place but the ptsd created a gaping hole between us and I guess its question 2 I'm unsure on. How do I know ptsd won't rear its head again and I become entangled in trauma again? No one could have predicted I would become the thing that triggered his fight or flight. The affair was a choice and I have passed the shame of that over to him. It is his shame to carry not mine. I understand why the affair happened and I understand why he kept messaging her even when she was showing signs of trying to get between him and his child. It has made me think of him as unsafe but not just him anyone. It was terrifying how his brain changed and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I just don't know whether it's a case of time or its the end of the road

I’ve read your post several times but haven’t responded because I don’t feel like I have a lot of advice to give. I’m sorry though—it’s such a tough situation.

In my case I did still have strong feelings of love and a strong gut sense that I wanted to reconcile, and so did my husband. There have been periods of flatness/numbness, and there’s been an underlying shift in how I feel about the relationship. I also don’t rest as easily in my feelings of love for him—there’s a change that I feel sometimes.

But feeling nothing hasn’t been the case for me. I don’t know how normal that is, generally. It’s certainly understandable to feel nothing after what you’ve been through and how he treated you.

If my spouse were remorseful and I felt like they were good reconciliation material and I had kids with them and there were positive aspects of the partnership, I think I’d be willing to wait for a while and see if feelings returned or developed anew. But I think I’d put a time limit on it. It might be that emotional exhaustion and trauma have just flattened you for now, and the feelings will return, but it also might be your heart telling you that this was an emotional deal breaker that you’re not coming back from. I know that’s not super helpful, but i wanted to say you’ve been heard. ❤️

[This message edited by Grieving at 1:51 AM, Wednesday, January 18th]

I don't feel "nothing" but I don't feel "enough" to go back in all the way. My WH are not married but we "date" periodically. That's as much as I can do. I simply do not love him the way I used to - we have a good time, we are great friends, talk all the time, do things together sometimes - but it's not the same and I'm pretty sure after 5 years it never will be the "love" that I used to have or anything close to it. But honestly, it's all I want to give now and I am happy. IDK if my WH really gets that or not, although I have explained it ad nauseum, but that's where I'm at.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:30 PM, Wednesday, January 18th]

Normal?

I've read enough threads about what is and isn't normal to come to the simple conclusion that there's no normal, there's just humanity.

What you describe, as a BS, isn't surprising. Infidelity is a deal breaker and the category 5 shit storm created by it can devastate a relationship (btdt).

Feeling nothing for a WS is certainly understandable.

If I’m reading correctly you are only about 10 months from Dday. This journey is a roller coaster ride of emotions.

For me and others I’ve read here the first few months are shock and damage control, we just want things back like they were. Then as the shock wears off and anger sets in we realize it’s never going to be the same. Later in the first year I turned the anger on myself, I asked myself "what did I really fight for here?" I was angry at the injustice of it.

I watched my W and saw the woman I married return, she was working very hard at R and I wasn’t. There came a point that I started feeling the love I had for her and put both feet into R and I’m glad I did.

My advice is to observe his actions and see if the feelings return, it will never be the same but it can be great.

How long have you felt indifferent?

What do you mean by 'he has come out if (of?) this with personal growth and I feel I'm just in limbo'?

You're less than a year out from d-day. You H has a very big job to heal from infidelity AND PTSD. What has your H done to heal? (And if he thinks he has healed, he's almost definitely wrong.)

How about you? What have you done to heal? Lots of anger, grief, fear, and shame come with being betrayed, and BSes need to start resolving some some of those feelings to heal. Also, if your H isn't doing the right things to R, your body may be rebelling at staying in your M.

When I was 10 months out from d-day, I was still a wreck. I wanted R, and my W was doing all the right things consistently, but I was still afraid she wouldn't stay the course. I cycled through all sorts of emotions and what-ifs. There were times I loved her but wasn't in love, there were times I felt contempt for her ... eventually I settled into one mindset (I became confident that R would work for us).

I think it's normal to cycle through innumerable ways of dealing with being betrayed. If you've been indifferent from months, however, maybe that's where you will be permanently. But you know better than I.

If you go all over the map in your head, a good IC is likely to be able to help you sort out your thinking and come to a decision.

I often have those same feelings of nothingness. I'm primarily in the relationship because of our very young kids. It ebbs and flows though. We are three-ish years post DDay 1 and sometimes I look at him and he's my best friend and I don't want to be apart ever. And sometimes I look at him and he's just some creep in my house who spent years plotting with strange women against me. The damage will never go away, and no matter what choice I make, I lose. But every day with my kids is better than being apart, and every day past DDay, we get closer to potentially falling in love again. So I have no advice, but I'm right there with you.

Hi @DayDreamBeliever I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the painful and difficult aftermath of betrayal while considering R. The reality is there is a roller coaster of emotions that each person feels and it can take different forms including feeling nothing, so what you're feeling is normal.
I'm always rooting for marriages to be healed and for true R but I know that healing and time is very important in the R journey. Have you gone for IC or considered it for yourself, I know I found it beneficial in my own journey of R.
I want to encourage you not to make any major decisions based solely on how you're feeling currently but do take time to find healing and strength for your emotions and IC to help you process what you've gone through if you haven't already.

I pray the near future brings you wisdom and clarity on how best to move forward. Stay strong mama!

Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.

When I say he has growth I mean he has come out more attuned to his emotions and mental health and how to protect it. He has sent an email to request IC but hasn't booked anything in and I think that speaks volumes to be honest. I raised it tonight and will not be raising it again. If he doesn't book himself in I am out.

Someone wrote about being there because being around their kids full time is better then leaving and not. I think this will be my situation. Right now I cannot see how I could ever feel safe enough to feel anything anymore

Also I have IC being arranged for me through work. I had it months ago but in need of more. Just got to wait it out