SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My DD1 was nearly 3 years ago, at which point I threw him out. On our 26th wedding anniversary, I learned he was a SA (along with other addictions.) Disclosure took 16 months, and soon after I walked away from false reconciliation in the fall of 2021. Although he quickly started dating and met someone he's been in a relationship with for over a year, I kept focusing on my own recovery from the betrayal trauma and PTSD he gave me, and that continues. A few months ago, at age 60, I joined a dating site. I have gone out with four guys, and since I don't have many friends and was so isolated during Covid, I really enjoyed the conversation, even if I didn't feel any big romantic feelings.

By my choice, I've only had a second date with one of them (and still don't have any strong romantic feelings) - but this weekend he's invited me over and he's making dinner. I'm really nervous. I don't know when it's appropriate to tell someone my story, and reveal how broken I am.

Also, while I was sexually active when I was younger and during the first part of my marriage, the last dozen years were largely sexless, and I haven't had intercourse since menopause. I would love some intimacy, but I'm scared of navigating those emotions and also embarrassed about not knowing what to expect from my body under the covers.

When I've discussed it with my therapist, he's said that when I'm comfortable enough with someone those discussions won't be awkward. But what if I never meet someone for a relationship? I'm ok single but I don't want to die having that POS EXSAWH as my last romantic partner.

I know my situation is pretty unique, but do any of you have advice on how and when to share our ugly stories? Are there any older women out there who have had to deal with navigating their sexuality? (message me if you're more comfortable that way).

Thanks,

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 6:38 AM, Sunday, February 5th]

Hi, Black Raven, I'm not divorced but I just want to be sure you know this guy well enough to go to his place.

Personally, I'd want to go out with him on a couple more dates before I accepted an invite to his house.

Let a friend know where you will be, who he is and where he lives.

Just a word of caution as I recall a member here having an issue with a guy she had dated for a very short period of time.

Enjoy all the attention!

Thanks for the advice .

I do plan to do that, and I have also run his name through a website that provide some information about nefarious activities (actually, one of the other guys I went out with had a pretty extensive history in court. That doesn’t mean people can’t learn to make better choices, but I’m not taking on any more projects.)

Thanks again

Hi Black Raven! I sent you a pm.

That doesn’t mean people can’t learn to make better choices, but I’m not taking on any more projects.)

Girl, same 😂

I recently went out with a man on a first date. We set up a second date where he suggested me coming over for a glass of wine (we were both very tired from work and he lives less than a mile away in a townhouse with plenty of neighbors around). I asked him if he had a front porch, because sitting on the porch on such a beautiful evening would be great (and also sending the message that I would not be going inside). PS: he ghosted me 🤣 bullet dodged, I say.

I would not go inside a man's house on a second date, or have him over my house.

As far as intimacy, I'm 12 years younger than you, and have only been (mostly) celibate for 2 years. But I understand your feelings. My confidence is shot. I'm open to dating again, but the intimacy thing... And it really sucks because I used to love sex. A lot. Hopefully we both get there. Just take your time, and enforce your boundaries. Always stay safe.

I'm a dude, hence the name. I know I have no business weighing in, but I just want to add something. I'm in my 50s and was married for 27 years when I filed for D. So that's almost three decades with one romantic partner. Needless to say, I was very apprehensive about other partners and still am. I've been celibate for years and it's okay.

Men are nervous too. We aren't sure if everything shows up to the party when it's time. We worry about being attractive to our partner, we worry about being good enough, etc. My point is, when you meet the right person, you are both bringing your unique experiences and misgivings to the relationship and you will navigate it together. The positive is that if SI has taught us anything, it is that open and honest communication is key. Hell, I would be thrilled if I had a romantic partner who felt comfortable enough with me that she felt safe enough to communicate her misgivings or fears to me.

Anyway, apologies if I elbowed in...

Black Raven, I sent you a reply pm!

Justsomeguy, how nice of you to add that.

Justsomeguy,

Thank you SO much. I do appreciate a man's opinion (ironically my ExSAWh refused to talk about sex - at least with me) so what you have shared is a new insight. It's valid and it's reassuring.

As an aside, I was born and raised in 🇨🇦 and spent a fair bit of time there after DD2 in 2021. While I was searching for a trauma-trained therapist, one counselor I spoke with there said that some of the provincial governments had made getting therapists trained in trauma work a priority. I can't confirm that, but I know that Ottawa put millions into it last year. Go Canada!

While I'm giving out kudos, one to SI, which not only provides support, but reminds me that there are men who are capable of empathy, of being self-reflective and sharing their emotions. That wasn't what I grew up with or what I married, so thanks to SI, if I ever get to the point of wanting a relationship, I know I don't need to settle for not having those things.

Hi BlackRaven, as you may remember my WH passed away almost 3 years ago! Time sure does fly!

I've spent the last three years healing myself and I feel I'm in a much better place to meet "the right person" if he should come along.

The positive is that if SI has taught us anything, it is that open and honest communication is key.

Around two months ago I met someone and felt an instant attraction. Anyways, fast forward to a few days ago and long story short, he did ask me for my phone number. And in reference to the statement above, open and honest communication, he asked me if I ever did friends with benefits. Lol I told him that if that is what he is looking, it won't be me! Right out the gate he is looking for sex! Can we agree player?? Red flag?

After all that I've been through with my late husband, the last thing I need is another player. At this moment I am on the fence about this new guy. I have so much more confidence in myself today that I refuse to settle for someone who only wants sex and to use me for his own pleasure and satisfaction. I want way more than that.

My suggestion to you is that at this point I don't feel that you need to share your past history with this new man, especially if you aren't even sure how you feel about him. Your past does not define who you are today. It is part of your history and what has shaped you into who you are today.

Personally, I am so much stronger in myself and don't take crap from others anymore. Almost scares me who I've become lol. But I like myself so much more today. And if I didn't go through what I went through with my late husband, I wouldn't be so strong in myself now... not that I want a repeat of what I went through for more life experiences. No thank you. Learned a very valuable lesson that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I love who I am today and I surely don't want to be in another situation where I am at the mercy of another man's abuse.

My friend who also went through A LOT of bad times with her prior marriages told me that her current husband told her if she didn't want to reveal all of her past, he is okay with that. And when and if I meet another man who I feel would be a good fit for me, I don't plan on spilling my guts out to him about all of the awful things my late WH did to me. I will only share what is comfortable for me to share because what he did to me doesn’t define me, it is just a part of my history while I make my way through life.

I have closed that chapter of what I went through with my late husband but still experience sensitive emotions because of who he was. But I'm also feeling more ready (and cautious) with who I am willing to open up to and to share my story with.

You really don't owe this man anything at this point. Maybe just work to stay in the present moment and enjoy the new relationship for what it is for now.

Hurtmyheart,

How wonderful to hear your update! I'm so glad you are in such a good place.

Personally, I am so much stronger in myself and don't take crap from others anymore. Almost scares me who I've become lol. But I like myself so much more today. And if I didn't go through what I went through with my late husband, I wouldn't be so strong in myself now..

I've always been a strong woman, and I know that I'm OK alone. Where I get tripped up is fear of making decisions. Should I sell the house? Should I move to a different city? Should I sell my camper since I don't use it? Should I look for a job? Should I look into a different field that might be more rewarding?

I think that this may be the result of the trauma, and some may be financial insecurity since I no longer have a job or career and now live on a fixed income. (My investment advisor tells me I'm fine but it doesn't feel that way when I start to what-if things.) I'm working with my therapist on it. When I was single in my 20s and 30s, I certainly lacked self-esteem in some areas, but I supported myself on a meager income, I traveled alone around Europe, I moved to a three cities in a different country alone as part of my career. Now I feel like I have so much more anxiety.

My suggestion to you is that at this point I don't feel that you need to share your past history with this new man, especially if you aren't even sure how you feel about him. Your past does not define who you are today. It is part of your history and what has shaped you into who you are today.

Thank you for this. I think I still feel like my past defines who I am - and I still see myself as broken - but I'm working really hard to move beyond that.

Another male perspective here.

I've been with my one person for about a year and half. We didn't become intimate for quite a while after we started seeing each other. We talked quite a bit and shared parts of our pasts every time we did something. In fact, we didn't even consider what we were doing as dating for quite a while, more it was just doing things together like hiking or bike rides or walks or kayaks or finding music. I think it took us both about 6 months of seeing each other to decide that we would only see each other and stop trying to meet new people and become intimate.

We continue to learn more about each other's pasts. In fact, just yesterday I learned that both of her sons were conceived via in vitro fertilization as her ex was a heavy pot smoker and had low sperm count.

When I was starting back out on the single life I had several first dates. I even had a couple of ladies mention the 'friends with benefits' idea. Although I was intrigued by it, I had to honestly say that I couldn't do that as intimacy was and is very important to me and not to be taken lightly.

I've never felt that taking things slowly and revealing parts of my past was a bad thing. It's felt like, to me anyway, that getting the entire history all at once would be like trying to sip from a fire hose. I'll reveal some things and then she takes some time to consider and ponder and then comes back with some wonderful questions. I try to do the same.

Where I get tripped up is fear of making decisions. Should I sell the house? Should I move to a different city? Should I sell my camper since I don't use it? Should I look for a job? Should I look into a different field that might be more rewarding?

Absolutely. I've felt the same way but getting better.

I've been contemplating going through the pictures. I kind of want to destroy most of mine and my lh wedding pictures. I don't hate him at all but I also feel that our marriage was a sham do to all of his lieing and cheating
when he was alive.

I've done so many cleanouts and getting ready to do another big sweep. Lol Stuff weighs me down. The less the better for me. I much prefer my freedom.

Begin by making small changes and don't try to do everything at once. It won't work. And remember, one day at a time.

countrydirt, I agree, no friends with benefits.

I would think that it would only be setting myself up for failure all over again. And I also cherish intimacy with one person only. I am monogamous. The only way to go for me.

Friends with benefits makes me feel like I would be in infidelity all over again.

No thank you.

Country Dirt has a thread in New Beginnings that I follow. To me, it demonstrates the normal progression of a normal relationship. But have to admit that I'm not the best at knowing what a good intimate relationship is.

I'll be 60 in a few months but haven't started dating. If I find somebody, that's great.If I don't find somebody, that's great. I'd rather be alone than be in the wrong relationship.

But have to admit that I'm not the best at knowing what a good intimate relationship is.

leafields - truer words were never spoken.

leafields, I just turned 61 and I feel the same way. If it happens it happens. Not going to go searching for it.

BR,
My divorce was final March 18, 2021. The day before out 19th anniversary! I've been in an LDR for some time. It's a rollercoaster and a very long story. Not sure it will work, but who knows.

I tried dating not long after my ex fled for LA (after having been scammed out of a huge sum off $$). No one met her at air port. Don't know where she is now. She left signed divorce papers on the table. I filed them and 90 days later instant divorce.

I live in coastal GA. Down here dating any woman over the agove of 45 is a dumpster fire. (I suppose the same could be said for men as well!). I gave up. I'd started posting pics of my work on Instagram so I could link them to the dating sites I was then using. Once I was able to wade through the myriad of scammers (75%+ of the DM's I was getting were from that ilk), I managed to meet a couple of women who were in their late 30's (I know already!) who wanted a stable man who could treat them right.

I got lucky, very lucky. Unfortunately 2 weeks after having met face to face (I spent a weekend in Miami at her place & she spent the next weekend at mine) she was posted overseas with an alphabet agency. We're hoping that she'll be home in the next 3 month to marry.

I guess my point is that when you're ready, you'll know. Most likely you'll stumble into something nice like many of us have.