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My wife recently connected with her long lost half brother and began to get really close. She has been very honest with me about her escalating feelings for him and she has confirmed that he feels the same way too. My wife says that I’m the only man for her and maintains her love for me and assures me nothing will ever happen between her and her half brother but I have my concerns.She plans to visit him in the next couple of months and I’m afraid a mistake will happen and bring 25 years of marriage to and end. We speak about their relationship frequently because we’re both trying to make sense of it , sometimes the conversation ends with us both feeling ok and sometimes we have a huge fight.I’ve been trying to make my peace with this but I’m scared and frustrated and don’t know what to do.

[This message edited by Mrbluesky at 12:50 PM, Tuesday, February 7th]

Hello Mrbluesky and welcome to SI. The relationship you describe with her Brother is very dysfunctional. Your W needs to go NC with him and get into counseling. You cannot sit by and let this happen.

What does she say when she talks about feelings between them? Have you seen their messages?

Many people do not intend to have an affair, never actively think about it but wind up there through poor boundaries and opportunity. If their conversations are emotional or romantic then she is already on the slippery slope or perhaos in an EA. The last thing you do at that point is "go visit".

Perhaps a look at the book Not Just Friends would help. Or a list of what an emotional affair consists of.

They have already professed feelings for each other.

She can not go visit him. That is absurd.

He is going to spend the entire time actively trying to have sex with her.

She would literally be going to constantly fight off his advances.

That automatically makes this not a friendship and not a relationship she can continue to have.

That is the best case scenario.

The worst case is she is lying to you and actively knows she is going to cheat and is "exploring" her feelings to see if she can leave you for him.

I’m so sorry you are here and going through this. She has put your marriage in extreme danger because it is over if she continues to talk to him and it is 100% over if she goes to see him.

These are predictable patterns that play out over and over again. Your wife is not some special anomaly.

Feelings are too powerful for her to play with.

Others will give you better advice on how to deal with her.

If you are reading other post "which might be a good idea" look for a poster named "Bigger" he always gives great advice on how to talk to your wife.

Also I recommend the book "Not Just Friends". I have read many of the infidelity books and I still think it is a contender for the best one.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully your wife pulls her head out of her ass and returns to reality.

This is extremely dysfunctional. She needs to end all contact with him and get counseling. Both of you should read Not Just Friends, and visiting him is a terrible, terrible, not ok idea.

I am not an ultimatum person, but in your shoes I would draw a firm, unyielding line in the sand of her going no contact.

I wouldn’t storm around or get angry or get drawn into endless unproductive arguments. I would just say "this relationship with your half brother is dysfunctional, and it’s dangerous to our marriage. Being in a partnership with you while you are pursuing it is not acceptable to me."

Don’t just watch an affair unfold in slow motion. You can’t control her actions and choices, but you can be very, very clear about your boundaries and what you will and won’t accept.

Your wife is way out of line, nothing good can come from this relationship.

It's extremely troubling that she finds her half BROTHER and the conversations head in the wrong direction.

I have two half brothers and that's who they are, my brothers.

She cannot go to visit him, and I'd insist on therapy for her so she can figure out why she is going down this slippery slope with someone who is a biological male family member.

Is he married BTW?

If the brother is married or has a girlfriend apprise her of the situation immediately. Don’t tell your wife you’re going to do this.

A woman came here with the same scenario about her husband and his sister. Evidently several children in a family were separated and parceled out for others to raise them. In the case of her husband he connected with a sister he had not seen since childhood and the relationship became very sexualized. That seemed open the door to other behaviors that she found out about and they eventually divorced.
You need to be very clear about this. She is fantasizing about a person she does not really know. It is the same limerence that cheaters feel and in this case an actual legal issue if it ever culminates in an actual sexual affair.
Right now she is in La La land. It might be that reality would hit and they would see each other’s flaws but who knows.
Please tell the other spouse your concerns.

When she talks about her feelings for him she says she loves him but it’s confusing , she says she doesn’t love him like she loves me. Through out this whole mess my wife has reassured me that me and her are soulmates and she loves me more than anything. Her half brother has expressed that he is in love with her but said nothing can happen between them because she’s married and she’s his half sister but in the same voice say how he wants to have sex with her( he’s single by the way). They both share this insane connection and share a lot of the same interests. My wife says they both talked about their feelings for each other and both agree that they would just be friends. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks going to visit him is a bad idea. She offered me her phone to read the texts if I want but I refused because I was afraid of what I would see,she has been very truthful about everything that’s been happening she hasn’t hid anything from me. Sorry if I’m babbling I’m just trying to get all of it out! Thank you all so much for the advice and quick responses!

Through out this whole mess my wife has reassured me that me and her are soulmates and she loves me more than anything.

If this is true she would do anything in her power to protect you and your M. She playing at the top of the slippery slope. This guy is bad news and a predator. Like I said she should willingly go NC (no contact).

Mrbluesky-

This is a phenomenon called Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), it’s not common but it’s also not uncommon. It happens when long lost family members reconnect as adults.

Bottom line is she cannot go visit him & they need to end contact. He has already said he wants to sleep with her (and she probably wants to sleep with him too), she thinks by being manipulatively "open" and "honest" with you, when she does sleep with him, you can be understanding because she wasn’t technically lying to you. Ask her if she’s thought about sleeping with him. She’s a liar if she says she hasn’t. The thought gets her excited and she’s just lying to you & herself if she plans to visit a man, and doesn’t plan to have sex, when he has said he wants to fuck her & she deep down wants to do it too.

There’s no if ands or buts or compromise about it, if you are her alleged soulmate, then she would value your relationship. We protect what we value. Your wife’s behavior does not indicate she’s valuing you or your marriage. Continuing contact with, and going to visit a man who claims he’s in love with her, & she has "feelings" for too, is not protecting your relationship. She’s mishandling your marriage and treating it reckless & carelessly.

She needs therapy, preferably with a therapist with experience with GSA.

No she cannot go visit him and you should let her know you’re going to see a lawyer to have papers drawn, because if she leaves to visit him, you will have her served there, and she might as well remain there. Visiting him is her telling you the marriage isn’t valuable and is over.

Read the texts. Information is power and it will give you resolve.

This guy is bad news but you know that already. No trips, boundaries have to go up firmly and your wife has to learn that she is on the slippery slope, big time. Buy Not Just Friends and read it together.

I was going to bring up the "genetic sexual attraction" but did not want to move this thread in a weird direction.

I first saw it on dr Phil then started looking it up and learned about it and was like "holy shit".

When I googled it an hour ago immediately a ABC article appeared. 2 women were trying to raise awareness about it as it is dangerous.

Listen to all the advice but especially the last advice.

She needs therapy immediately.

In a lot of ways this is the same dynamics as a normal affair. But can be even more intense.

Your wife is playing with fire and walking towards the edge of the cliff. When she jumps off of it it will be extra intense.

This GSA will just make the normal nuclear bomb 100 nuclear bombs.

This relationship needs to be over. You can’t be scared to lose her because if you do nothing you will lose her anyways.

Also another term to learn about in the infidelity space is called "Gaslighting". Look that one up.

That man’s whole purpose now is to have sex with your wife.

You’re a dude you know that.

Your wife is playing bad games. She is already addicted. This is so tough.

I’m so sorry again. This is a tougher one than usual as she should be able to connect with family.

But they have expressed feelings and intimacy which means this relationship now needs to be over.

Yes! I also came to post that this sounds like GSA which sometimes occurs when close family members find each other later in life. Please, please research this and have her do the same.

Nope. She has to stop all contact. Immediately. She's already having an affair with him. Sex doesn't have to happen to make it an affair.

She needs a lot of therapy. It's not normal,or healthy,to be in love with your brother. Half doesn't matter. This is her brother. I have a "half" brother. I've never considered him "half." He IS my brother.

It's unfortunate that she has found him,and now has to have NC with him. But that's exactly what has to happen.

You must enforce this. Tell her she must stop all contact with him,or you can not remain married to her. You can't handle this with kid gloves. If you do,she will end up having sex with him,which will end up causing her irreversible damage. You have to be strong and set down immediate requirements, and boundaries. Absolutely no more contact,or you will see an attorney, and you will expose this affair to your children,and her family.

This isn't your typical affair. All affairs are wrong traumatizing,and abusive. This affair is all of that..but it's also sick. I don't say that as a judgement,or to be flip. This is mentally sick. Something is very wrong with your wife, for her to have sexual feelings,and feelings of being in love,with her own brother. You need to do all you can to end this connection.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:04 PM, Tuesday, February 7th]

A man is talking to your wife about having sex with her and you haven't spoken to him yet?

Your wife openly talks about loving another man and you still allow them to talk?

Your wife plans to visit him and you're allowing it?

Why?

Hi Mrbluesky,

My XWH reconnected with his biological sister in his 50's and they ended up sleeping together. Then, he was visiting another one of his newly-found biological sisters and ended up sexually assaulting his niece. My XWH also has an issue with porn and was enjoying incest porn before he met his sister.

When I was researching, GSA didn't have clinical studies, and appears to be a term created by somebody who wanted to justify sleeping with their relative. I haven't looked recently, so I'm not sure what is out there. My IC said that sleeping with your sibling is taboo in all societies.

What I can say is that your wife's feelings of excitement and brotherly love are understandable. Sexual feelings are not normal.

I would be leary of an in-person visit because it provides opportunity.

So sorry you had to find us.

A wave of nausea sweeps over me when I hear people flippantly use the word "soulmate." A soulmate doesn't engage in an EA with someone else. Nor does that person decide to risk his or her marriage in the pursuit of that person. No, your wife is not your soulmate. Make that clear to her. Soulmates don't behave in that manner. Her boundaries are shot to hell. DO NOT stand for her going to see her half brother. She must end this nonsense now if she wants to stay married to you. Make that clear to her TODAY. NC is a must. Counseling is a must. Something is seriously broken in her. To say that her relationship with her half-brother is wrong and inappropriate is an understatement.

BTW, is there any reason you can't accompany her on this "family reunion?" Don't get me wrong, this meeting should not take place but for the sake of clarity, would you be welcomed on this trip?

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:37 PM, Tuesday, February 7th]

Unfortunately thinking of yourselves as "soulmates" is no guarantee, as I found out the hard way. It may even reflect the kind of romanticizing that leads to more vulnerability. She has far too much of romanticizing with this incestuous AP for comfort. "Star-crossed lovers meant to be together be kept apart by birth and fate." That's a fantasy just waiting for an opportunity.

I don't know if NC is practical, but at a minimum you should insist on being included in all communications and meetings to ensure that things remain appropriate. If they can't agree to that or stick to it, NC is necessary.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 8:31 PM, Tuesday, February 7th]

Im glad you posted and affirm you reaching out on this forum.

Youve received tremendous input already which I hope youll take to heart. The consensus is, no way, no how should this trip happen. Not now. Not ever.

I have a few questions for you. When you said:

sometimes the conversation ends with us both feeling ok and sometimes we have a huge fight.

What makes you feel ok? What are you fighting over?

When you said:

but I’m scared and frustrated and don’t know what to do.

What scares, frustrates and causes you to not know what to do?

Input as to your deeper perspective on these comments and questions will help me (and all of us imo) know how better to advise you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:46 PM, Wednesday, February 8th]