Ok – today is the day that I will finally post. I’ve been stalking the boards for the last month or so, reading as much as I can. Dday #2 was on 12/26/22. I’ll try to be as succinct as I possibly can so I can share my story. It’s long and complicated. Backstory, H retired from the military 12 years ago. He served 23 years and had years of combat deployments under his belt; He was combat infantry, paratrooper, boots on the ground, first to go, that sort of thing. He was sent to some of the most dangerous hot spots in the world during his career, saw firsthand the horrors of war - death, dying, tragedy, was in remote areas months at a time being subjected to continuous enemy fire, skirmishes; involved/injured in 2 IED incidents -one in which his best friend died and 2 other of his men perished as well; was eyewitness to a tragic horrific helo crash where 10 of his men/peers were killed in the explosion. I don’t know too much of where he was or what he did – I have read the award citations, watched documentaries, saw news reports of some of the major battles/skirmishes and operations – and I know where generally where he was, but never was told specifics. Those details he keeps close to the vest. What I do know is that as the war is winding down overseas, he comes back each time from these deployments a shell of a man, more and more broken. He begins to go to IC to address the trauma (IC began about 4 yrs before he retired); When he wasn’t deployed, he was busy training up to BE deployed, then go again, then come back stateside and remain stateside and begin this cycle over again. I was the dutiful military wife, the "trailing wife" they like to call us – the ones who stay behind and handle the household, child rearing, being mom & dad, taking care of all the things while the H is away in another country in combat. Things were good – we had a good marriage, we communicated openly, he shared with what he could share, we raised 3 kids (now grown). Moved all over the world during his career, made lots of friends along the way – aside from the deployments, things were good, we were happy. Then came retirement and entering another phase in our lives. The transition from military to civilian life for him was TOUGH. In his words he went from "hero to zero". The adjustment was awful – we all suffered, he had no direction, no plan, no drive, no motivation. We were lucky that both of us didn’t have to work at that time and managed quite well with his pension. He suffered from tremendous survivors’ guilt – having cheated death SO many times, he carries the guilt of why did he live and so many of his friends didn’t? About a year into the retirement, he adopted this IDGAF attitude about everything; like for example he bought a motorcycle and would consistently ride it at speeds of 100MPH minimum on the highway, interstate – he bought a sports car and did the same, raced it on the interstate, didn’t care if he was reckless or if he died. Consequences were nothing compared with the weight of the guilt he was living with he said. I noticed at this time he was starting to be very active on social media – adding and reconnecting to old HS friends, male and female. I am an IT professional – so I kept my finger on the pulse of all the activity; he wasn’t tech savvy and I was so I had access to everything, all the devices, all the passwords etc because I had set them all up. In 2012 he stared to talk to this one female more than anyone else – eventually it turned into an EA and then a PA. I would call him out on the messaging and the content – but he didn’t care, he was careless like he wanted to be caught. But then again – he was acting in such a way that he didn’t care if he lost everything – he’d say I’m suffering so much that I don’t care what happens to me. Also it was like he was TRYING to do everything that he "missed" out on when he was active duty, deployed – like going out w/ friends, partying, drinking, behaving like a single man on social media. All these things I thought were being addressed in IC – because he was STILL in IC to address the trauma. Anyway – he asked me for a D – so I’ll call that DDay. The OW was married w/ small children that I knew – but I didn’t know her personally, only that they went to HS together. I was tired of the bullshit, he moved out and we separated and he retained an attorney – we were on the way to D. But then he started to have serious panic and anxiety attacks – one that landed him in the ER. I knew how to handle these events so guess who gets called to go calm him down? Me. I know that he was facing down the realities of losing his family because of what he had done – and that was the trigger to him having all these panic/anxiety attacks daily. We were separated but he was at our house every day – wanting to mow the yard, fix a leaky faucet – anything he could do to be around me. I still had access to his social media and his emails – and I could see that the OW was putting a ton of pressure to hurry up and D me – she had filed herself and I guess the plan was that they were going to ride off into the sunset together. (insert eyeroll here). Two weeks into the separation we had a rather nasty argument – one that escalated into him punching a cabinet door; he cut himself on the wood and of course there’s blood everywhere. My son at 10 at the time and was fully traumatized by this – and as much as I tried to de-escalate the situation, it was still pretty bad. My H wanted to go into the other room, and as he walked past me, our shoulders brushed and some of that blood transferred to my shirt and my cheek – we were in the hallway when this happened. I had called the police because of his behavior, I was scared. When they interviewed my son, he told them that my H had shoved me and that’s how I got blood on me. That’s not exactly what happened but he got arrested anyway based on our son’s statement. So he goes to jail. I ended up w/ his wallet and his phone. And I call the OW, the OWH, I blast him on social media, I call all his family, siblings, my family, our 2 kids (who were away at college) – I just tell everyone what happened. Anyway his whole house of cards is falling in on itself. The night in jail on charges of DV 4th degree (no visible injury) is his road to Damascus moment. He gets bailed out and I agree to meet on neutral ground to discuss the future, whether that’s D or R. At that point we had been married 16 yrs – I wanted R and I had demands, lots of them. I really wish that I had known about SI back then – but a lot of what you recommend to newbies is pretty much the same things that I did back them. Immediate NC – write a letter and send it, email it, carrier pigeon, smoke signals – don’t care just do it. Gave me access to all accounts, handed me his phone, I confiscated all the evidence – emails, texts, images, - I made copies of what I needed and deleted rest, and the accounts; he got a new phone with a new number and I kept the old phone (deactivated); he cut ties with all the friends and family (his cousin was BF to the OW and supported the A, encouraged it if we’re being honest) – anyone who was part and parcel to this A, anyone who encouraged, knew about it, helped facilitate it was out of our lives. I refused MC because I wanted each of us to do IC – he’d been in IC and he needed to come clean w/ his therapist about what he was doing, bc I felt like he was lying to her. I started my own IC for healing. At first this joker wanted to say that this was my fault – I pushed him towards another woman. NOPE. I refused to own that – all of what he did, he CHOSE to do that. So I told him he needed to get back into IC to figure out why his moral compass was so fucked up, why he put us at risk, why he was so willing to blow up our marriage, our family. So that was almost 12 years ago. We did IC separately, he worked on his trauma recovery, made peace with his demons, visited his friends’ graves for this first time in 14 years – that was some real healing for him. And I worked on me – I went back to school and got two more degrees in IT. We MOVED to another state! That was HUGE for me. I had a lot of triggers being in that city we lived in – places, landmarks, streets – it was tough for me and it was a hinderance to my healing so we moved out of state. So we’re doing good – we did IC for 1 year before we started MC and we did both until about 2016. (He’s still in IC btw & group therapy for PTSD for veterans). We worked really, really hard at R. Then in summer 2021 he decided that he wanted to come out of retirement and pursue a career in healthcare, something that he’d always wanted to do so I supported that and he enrolled in school. He’s a really good student, top of the class and he joins a study group that meets before class. There’s one student – a female – who I feel like he gravitated towards and they became friends and study partners. She’s half his age (he’s 50) and it just felt "off" to me – I was uncomfortable w/ the friendship and told him I was unsure about them exchanging phone numbers, becoming friends on social media. He assured me that it was on the level, just doing school stuff. He offers his phone, his school email, access to all the things – and I don’t see anything untoward, nothing that was suggest a friendship turning into a EA; all the communication is all about school – tests, quizzes, studying. So this goes on for a semester – and then after the semester they go their separate ways; he gets a job in this field, and she gets a job somewhere else but in the same field. But they maintain contact – but again what I can see it’s all work related now. So that’s about 10 months of that sporadic communication, BUT I’m still not digging it. I’m still feeling SUPER TRIGGERED by this and I tell him how I feel. He again offers access to all the communication and again it’s really benign, innocuous stuff. So I’m thinking what is happening to me that I’m so full on BOTHERED by this friendship??? So to the other BS out there – how do you feel about opposite sex friendships?? Is it possible that your WS can have opposite sex friendships given the history?? So I’m just pinging off the walls with worry and anxiety – like I’m convincing myself that something is going to happen so I become even more vigilant, hypervigilant. I feel like a spy – and since I’m a tech person anyway, I have a lot of tools at my disposal to really do a deep dive, BUT I’m feeling like I DON’T want that job!! I don’t WANT to spy on my H, I just want to TRUST him ya know? Then about mid 2022, there’s an advanced course that he wants to take that his work is sponsoring and his work is going to pay him to go to this course; it’s open to all professionals in this field, but if you don’t work there, you have to pay out of pocket several thousand dollars. So one day he tells me, Ya know so&so really wants to take this course but doesn’t have the money. I’m like SO? I have a kid in college – I don’t need to support another person’s schooling. He’s like, yea but you know, I don’t know, there’s just something about her that makes me want to help her. He’s all so wishy washy about this whole thing – I’m like WHY do you feel that YOU need to help her? Doesn’t she have her own parents? Why us? And WTF makes you think I’m willing to shell out $2K for someone I BARELY KNOW? And all the red flags and alarm bells are ringing in my head. So is this truly a friendship and he’s just some guy that wants to help this person out? Yea not happening – and I like livid at this point. We get into a pretty good row over it and I’m like you’re not her dad, you’re not her savior, not her sugar daddy, like you’re just a person she was in a class with – that’s fucking it. Period. I’m just like WHY is he so invested in this girl? He’s like well she’s married a soldier and they don’t have a lot of money (I can relate to that, but still…). I don’t care – we’re not paying shit. The end. So that was that. But I’m still pissed off that they’re still communicating. So I ask him – that’s it no more. I don’t want her to call, or text, or message on social media – I’m not comfortable. He makes it seem like I’m super unreasonable and that I’m this jealous person and he can’t have friends. And I’m all – you have proven in the past that you can’t have female friends, so this ends now. Only it doesn’t. They continue to communicate – and not only that, she enrolls in the course, find the money I guess, and THEN she gets a job at the same place he works. So now they’re in this course together and they work at the same job – although diff shifts. Still. The communication continues – and I’m just fucking OVER it. And I complain about it daily – all the time, like just stop. And he’s to the point where he says he can’t just cut off a friendship because how would that look, and he’d hurt her feelings AND anyway they work together now. He reassures me that it’s just a professional relationship and nothing more. I fucking hate this girl now, like for real, I full on HATE her. So not only am I triggered now I feel this deep hatred. Am I projecting my past anger on a person that really is just a friend? I mean given his past my mind is clouded and I’m just seeing red now. AND THEN. Something completely out of the blue happens. I find a text message that he didn’t delete fast enough to ANOTHER woman. A female acquaintance of his – someone he’s known since childhood, they grew up together. So I go do a deep dive and find a weeks worth of flirty, complimentary texts between the both of them. Was the whole friendship w/ the school person just a distraction so I didn’t see or catch on to what he was really doing?? So that’s Dday #2, 12/26/22. I find that he’s texting flirty things to this divorced woman – someone he’s known for 40 yrs at least. And of course I go scorched earth again and expose both of them on all this bullshit. I contact her immediately BEFORE these two can coordinate their stories - and she is all apologetic, ashamed, humiliated – she’s a family friend for God’s sake, so yea now the whole family – hers and ours – knows what she and him have been doing. She swears it’s only been a weeks worth of texts and that’s what he said and that’s all I was able to recover. So maybe he’s telling the truth about it only being a week – he said it was a week before Christmas he had reached out and things got out of hand. And something just DEEP within me just cracked open it seemed like. I felt like this wound that had healed over was ripped wide open, and everything came rushing out all at once. Hurt, anger, agony, pain, anxiety, betrayal; I just want to scream and cry and stay in bed. He writes her a NC email – I read it – and sends it. She writes me an email and profusely apologizes to me, says she used bad judgment, is truly sorry, she knows how this feels bc she remembers what happened to us in 2012 AND her exH was a serial cheater and she lived for years with the pain of that betrayal. Ironic huh? That she knows what this feels like BUT she’s ok to do this to another wife? She said that she soaked up the attention, the compliments and just went along with it. So now I hate everyone. And I’m so frustrated because all this time he’d been saying how sorry he was that we weren’t spending quality time together as much bc he was SOOO BUSY w/ work, and with school, work school work school that’s all I ever hear. And it’s such a slap in the face because he has NO time for me – but he has time to text the girl from school, go to study groups, text about tests and quizzes and homework, AND he has time to text flirty compliments and sweet nothings to this OW…..BUT HE HAS NO TIME FOR ME? It’s such a betrayal and I feel like I’m re-traumatized and re-victimized AGAIN. So now here we are again – I’m back in IC, he’s STILL in IC and he’s been in IC for years – he KNOWS he fucked up and he says he is committed to making things right and willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. First thing – get rid of the friendship, she has to go. So he deleted her from all social media & blocked her, blocked her number so she can’t text. I truly don’t think there was anything but a friendship w/ her – but still. And I’m wondering if I’ll EVER be comfortable with him having female friends? He’s a first responder and in that field you can possibly have opposite sex co- workers on shift with you. And the last 3 shift partners he’s had have been female and I didn’t have any issue whatsoever with that – I never felt threatened or uncomfortable; it was just this one girl from school that I just didn’t like her texting him, having this kind of access to him. It was her that triggered me so much. And then the EA that he was starting to have with the OW – I’m glad it didn’t turn into a PA but I’m sure it could have. He let his guard down, he hasn’t protected our marriage with boundaries, he’s been negligent in safeguarding our marriage, he’s ignored my pleas to end the friendship with the girl from school. I’m back in IC trying deal with the re-traumatization. In a months time I feel like I’m making strides in feeling like I’m not so triggered. Right now he’s doing everything he can do to make things right – he never told me that this was my fault, he knew better than to throw that at me again. His choices are his actions are causing me to react this way – so this is all on him. What he’s confused about is WHY am I so triggered by the girl from school and he’s been tone deaf on why I keep saying I feel like I’m reliving this trauma. As someone who has been dealing with his own trauma – he should know how complicated and complex this can be. He actually said I don’t know why you can’t just get over this. Fucking really? I told him how livid he’d get when people would tell him those same words; he just doesn’t see how my "trauma" equates to trauma at all when HIS trauma was so gory, bloody, tragic, deadly. I never wanted to be a BS, I never wanted to be in this club. I tell him that I wish he would have divorced me so that he didn’t drag me through all of this – I don’t deserve this, not then and certainly not now. I am sensing something that took months and months before from him – contrition. Like he’s really beating himself up over this, he’s apologetic, he’s saying sorry over and over, and willing to make changes – he says he is, and I can see things that he’s doing. He’s willing to talk to me about my feelings, helping me move past the hurt, offer a timeline, be transparent, he’s never asked me for forgiveness – he says that when I’m ready, I will be the one to give that. He lets me ask the uncomfortable questions; I tell him that our marriage as we knew it to be is now dead – we have to build new again and he says he is willing and he’s willing to work on what is broken in him that caused him to go wayward again – what things are brewing underneath the surface that he needs to address; he says that before back in 2012 he was just out to do everything and anything because he felt that he needed to "live" because life was short, you don’t know when that day might be your last so he wanted to do everything he could do with zero regard to who he was hurting or who was collateral damage along the way. One thing that triggers me – and it’s something that I can pinpoint back to 2012, was him texting and spending a lot of time on his phone. Back in 2012 when he had his A, he was always on that phone texting and chatting; so much so that NOW when I see him doing that, I started to feel panicky. That’s a trigger. And when this girl started to text him and they’d be chatting about homework I’d feel this panic start to rise in me. It’s definitely a trigger point for me. NOW I’ve asked him that when we’re together, the phones go on the charger and we don’t spend time on our phones – it’s a distraction and I need him to be present. I’m working through it. I’ve been down this road before sadly. Anyway if you got through all that, you’re a Rockstar – thank you! I guess I just need support and I needed to get that off my chest, all of it.
BB
[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 6:22 PM, Thursday, February 9th]
