SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m still deciding to stay and try or just leave. BUT if I stay and try, how do you heal? Do you just push it out of your mind? I’ve done that for yearssss and I can’t see how that is healing. That’s more hiding. I just don’t see how to heal in a good way. How did you all heal?

Sorry you are here and that is a great question. For me, I treated it like having cancer. I cut the bad part out and I continued to work on myself to get better. For me, removing the issue (WW) was the first step. Then self care to get healthier and stronger. Then, like what to do to avoid reoccurrence, I did the same on the relationship side - much more skeptical and cautious moving forward.

Good luck

I personally do not know how you heal. I do not know how you can regain trust. If someone can lie, hide secrets and make a conscious decision to cheat, how will you ever trust them again? A one time accidental kiss is one thing. To decide over and over again to text, to meet to cheat is not a accident or one bad decision. It is much more serious than that. That person was able to lie to you repeatedly. Sadly you will never ever be able to know if what is said going forward is truth or lie. You will never have a guarantee. Can you live with wondering if its the truth? What happens if you see him texting and smiling? What happens if he seems he is talking to long to a waitress? I tried the forgive and heal and every time I saw him look at his phone or disappear to use the bathroom for 20 minutes my heart sank. I wondered what was he really doing? Turns out, I was right, With social media there are so many ways to cheat. it does not have to be just cell phone texting or secret meetings. Theirs WhatsApp, Instagram hell you can even message people on Pinterest. You create secret accounts, secret chat rooms the list is endless. I caught him on the phone texting her and then discovered after I said we would try to make it work and he swore she was out of the picture that he found new ways to communicate with her. If he was 10 minutes late getting home I wondered where he was. I think once you have been deceived, it is nearly impossible not to wonder about everything that he is doing. I was trying to make a relationship work all the while feeling ill not knowing what he was doing every second of the day. My life became all about looking for signs. Remember those that can lie to you repeatedly, fooled you once. You think him saying "oh it's over oh I want this to work is any more true then the lies he was telling you to begin with?" Most cheaters are only sorry they got caught. Once caught they find more devious ways to hide it next time. I do not know how you will heal? Therapy, marriage counseling? open phone policy? However, in your mind....you will never know if what he is saying is true or not or if he has just found better ways to lie. It is the doubt that will eat you alive. I say all this, but I tried to forgive the first encounter. I believed when he said it was over. I confronted her and pleaded with her to back off. At first it seemed he was on his phone less and he would show me things he was looking at. Turns out 4 months later, it never stopped. I found all the messages, texts, pic that had carried on the entire time and the conversations were mush more intense and romantic. He just found better ways to hide it and tried harder to try and make me less suspicious. he became an expert at send a text swipe right and have something completely innocent showing on his phone. She was under a different male name so I wouldn't recognize it if it came up. To me healing is trying to heal myself to move on from the toxic relationship. I offer advice but cannot take it. I am dying inside myself and fear I would take him back if he asked. My pain is, he doesn't seem to care that its over and is happily carrying on with her while I am still crying all day and night. I too need to know how to heal. I am so sorry I have no help for you. My thoughts are with you

Devastated16 - I’m sorry u are dealing with all this. My husband has lied for the past 10 months. Finally telling me all the truth (I think) this past Monday after therapy. I believe that it’s the truth….it’s just not all the details. And by details I don’t mean ones u don’t want to know, I’m saying like how long it lasted and how in-depth, etc. I’ve had people tell me that it doesn’t matter and I don’t need to know and just move on. That I know he cheated and that’s that. I disagree. If he just "made out", but didn’t have any type of sex then that’s different than knowing they did every kind and position. It tells u that it was more in-depth and not just a couple of kisses and feels. U could work on it easier if it was a one night stand versus a 10 month affair. So yes, to me, details matter in the decision to stay or go. I’m not about to ask who he liked to screw more 🤦‍♀️….that’s something I might think I want to know, but I don’t and I don’t need to know that for my own sanity. But other detail questions….yes, I want to know. He doesn’t get it…he says I don’t need to know and it will just make things worse and harder for me to get over.
What I’m hearing is…."u don’t need to know bc then u will prob definitely leave me bc I’m a piece of shit".
But that’s MY right to decide!
He has agreed to a polygraph test…only reason he came clean this past Monday. But he didn’t do it bc he wanted to tell me and help me; he did it bc he knew I was going to leave his ass for nonstop lying.
But even now, if I ask a question his response is….I’ve agreed to take ur fucking test and u are still asking me questions!" He uses anger for every emotion. I get that…his therapist is working on that, too, BUT I shouldn’t have to deal with his crap. Maybe I should divorce him and if he ever "fixes" himself then he can try dating me again.

But even now, if I ask a question his response is….I’ve agreed to take ur fucking test and u are still asking me questions!"

In your situation, you won't be able to heal,as long as you stay married to him. It is nearly impossible for a BS to heal, while staying married to a. Unremorseful WS.

His response is letting you know he'll take the test,and afterwards he expects you to STFU. He will never discuss it with you. He will never answer any questions. He won't tolerate you being sad,or angry about his affairs. He will consider the test all he needs to do,and that's the end of it. You will never heal in this situation.

questions!" He uses anger for every emotion. I get that…his therapist is working on that, too,

His therapist isn't the one who needs to be working on it. She can give him tools to use instead of immediate anger,but she isn't a miracle worker. HE has to do that work. And he's not.

Have you ever sat in,on a session with his therapist? Tell him you want to. It will give you a feel for the IC, and you can so inform them of what's really going on. I doubt the IC has a clue.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:19 PM, Friday, February 10th]

Sending so much strength to you @Ihatelying

I echo what others have said, you can't heal with an unremorseful WS.

Take your WH's behaviour, what does he do that shows you he is worthy of you even considering R? Let alone like he's trying to help you heal? It sounds like he isn't even doing the bare minimum for you.

EDIT: I just read more of your story from your profile, he TT'ed you for months and gave you TWO STDs?? Why do you let yourself get treated this way? You are worth SO much more than that.

RUN, don't walk, away from this man. For the sake of your sanity.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:42 PM, Thursday, April 20th]

Ihatelying - I too wanted to know every detail. I needed to know. The truth couldn't be worse then what I imagined. I would rather have the details and learn to heal then keep wondering and imagining things. My WS would not give me answers. His famous line was "I am not discussing this". His refusal to answers questions only cemented the idea that he had no remorse and still did not care enough about me to answer my concerns. I think I wanted to know every detail so I could learn to hate him. I may have needed to know to stop the nightmares and waking up to visions of the things I imagined they were doing and saying. It has been less than a week since it happened and I am still crying. I cannot sleep and I hate being in the house alone. He has left the house and has no interest in even talking to me. I know for him, he does not care about the relationship he had with me. He has even been seen in public with her days after I kicked him out. The hurt stems from not knowing anything was wrong, from being lied to and from being made a fool of. The OW thinks its great that he left me. I cannot fathom how someone can walk away from a long term relationship and home. So he takes a polygraph? Say he passes? Does that mean that in a few months or years, he will not repeat? He was able to lie in the first place. He lied repeatedly, not just once. It came easy for all those months. Do you think he cannot do that again? I have had friends who partners have gone to see counsellors and the WS has swore he wants to make the marriage work only for them to discover months later the WS was at it again. I just believe that a person committed to another would never let it get to an affair to begin with. If they can cheat, they can repeat. They just get better at it. People make mistakes yes, but not repeatedly over the course of weeks, months or years. That's a conscious decision, not a mistake. It is part of a person's character, not a mistake. It destroys trust and trust is so fragile to begin with. You will NEVER ever know for sure if he is being honest again unless he stays strapped to that lie detector for life.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 8:19 PM, Friday, February 10th]

I went to the doctor and went on anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety med. Luckily, the anti-anxiety med helped me sleep.

My second therapist is specialized in betrayal trauma. I worked through a couple of books, one being a grief handbook and the other was self-compassion/mindfulness. Meditation through Headspace helped, and I did some morning affirmations every day for several months. She also specialized in EMDR, but I didn't use that technique.

Reading was difficult at first because I couldn't concentrate. Helpful books were How to Help Your Spouse Heal and Not Just Friends.

YouTube was helpful because I could watch the video and repeat when my train of thought derailed. My XWH is a diagnosed NPD, so I watch a lot of videos by Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, and life coaches Queen Beeing and the Enlightened Target.

Healing takes time and work and isn't always linear. The emotional rollercoaster is real.

I triedR, but after about 6 months, I realized my WW was never actually going to change, so I pulled the plug. We did the nesting thing until the house sold, but that was absolute agony.

The real healing began when I moved onto my own place. I didntvhave to see the source of my trauma very often, so it allowed me to relaxation bit more and process my emotions. Make no mistake, I still had much work to do, but it finally felt like I was making progress. I no longer felt like Prometheus, with my heart healing just to have it break every morning when I realized that this was infact my life.

I'm 5 years out from Dday now, which seems to be the time required to be "healed" as they say. For the most part I am. My EXWW'S A does not move me to any great degree unless I've been into the sauce. Then the anger comes out. But for the most part, it has been relegated to the "things that happened and suck" file.

I've come out of this a much stronger, more resilient person, while at the same time much more cautious. All in all, I'm in a better place. The irony is that I could never have imagined that I would be this "healed" one day, especially right where you are. You are going to be slightly one day. People survive shit like thus, and after all, you are people.

Hellfire - That’s EXACTLY how I feel that he’s thinking. That once he takes the test then I better STFU. That he doesn’t want to hear another word about it.
He mentioned to me that it’s a time in his life that he regrets terribly and he doesn’t like thinking about it, let alone talk about it and remember.
Boohoo….cry me a river!
I told him I get it, BUT he screwed up and it’s his responsibility to help me IF he wants this to work out. And helping me is going to require him thinking about it and remembering.
His therapist had said in the beginning that he’d like me to sit in one day. That’s fine by me 🤷‍♀️, but we have appointments in the same building at the same time. But this coming Thurs, our appointments are an hr apart. Perfect for me to sit in, right?😈
Of course, I’ll mention it to my H, but I doubt he’ll go for it.

WonderingGhost - I feel the same. I feel if he was remorseful and loving then he’d answer my questions, be patient and understanding and it wouldn’t matter how many times I asked the same thing. He gets so mad. And I think one of the main reasons, besides him not being able to stand "having" to tell me some, is bc he sees me as a major reason why he cheated…three times. And like I told him…..he was the reason for me not acting as loving or having as much sex as he wanted. He treated us (me and kids) like crap…emotionally…and was/is addicted to porn. No, I didn’t want to hang on him and give him kisses and screw all the time 🙄. And I told him….being honest, that if I had acted like I did for no reason then I could understand him cheating…not that it would still have been right, but I could understand. But he STILL blames me for pushing him toward doing it🙄. He takes responsibility for the actual act, but that’s it.
And I can’t find a freaking marriage counselor that will take our insurance!
My thoughts….I don’t want to give up too soon. I’ve always agreed with making sure about something and not just doing it out of emotions. To look at all sides and aspects.
He tells me he doesn’t think I need to know details bc it will make me feel worse. WTH! It’s not up to u to decide what I need to know and not know! I need to hide something from him and tell him I just don’t think he needs to know bc it might just upset him. Jack ass. Sorry…have to vent some.

Devastated16 - u are asking me all the questions I ask myself daily! He’s MAD about having g to tell me the truth. What does that say for the future??? He lied to me again just a week ago when I asked stuff. Then this past Mon, he came clean about everything (supposedly) and agreed to the test. He yells that hes jumping through my damn hoops, taking my fucking test and I still won’t stop fucking talking about it/asking questions. He tells me he’s trying to stay calm, but can only do it for so long before he can’t stop it from pissing him off (the questions).

Leafields - thank u. I’ll def look up the books. I do my breathing exercises…have for years. I actually think I have had adrenal fatigue for eons. My stress is so bad at the moment that I’m actually having to "play pretend". I know it’s crazy and sad, but I have partial seizures and the stress was triggering them. So I have to pretend all is ok by pushing it all down and not thinking about it in detail. Ignoring it, I guess u could say. I talk about it on here and think about it to an extent, but as far as confrontations and trying to discuss with H, I just act like it’s just any normal day. I know that’s awful, but I have to do it for my sanity and health. I’ve let him know that’s what I’m doing and the reasons why. That I still have questions and want to discuss it all….I just have to wait a week to try to control my stress.

Justsomeguy - I’m glad u were able to move on. I told my H that it takes 3-5 years to heal and he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. He said he can’t handle me asking questions for years and that he can’t do it. So I told him thanks and that’s all I needed to know. I told him if he’d answer all my freaking questions now and be HONEST then I wouldn’t have any to ask unless he screws up again.