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What does it mean to accept the A happened?

I feel so much pain thinking about it. But I also feel like i've accepted that it happened, so now I can move onto working on healing. I am also confused with what accepting it really means. I know it happened, I am aware of it, but I am heartbroken over it. Have I accepted it?

I don't believe that accepting it means I should be over it and pain free. Can someone help me understand what is going on please? I feel like i'm going a little crazy.

Hi Squish, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain and struggling, it is part of the healing process but it does feel like it is taking over your life and nothing else seems to matter.

I do remember feeling at points that I was just swimming in a huge sea of pain trying not to drown. I can tell you that it will pass, it will get better.

This thread has a lot of great responses on what acceptance looks like.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660066/question-from-a-evidently-very-slow-learner-what-really-is-acceptance/

Luna 10

Yes I am feeling the pain- and tired of it.

Thank you I will look at the link. I appreciate you noting it for me

That's a good thread.

To me acceptance meant:

No more shock/denial ("I don't believe it! It can't be that bad!").

No more bargaining ("maybe it was only once or just a kiss or as long as he didn't love her").

No more internalizing ("If only I were a better wife, better lover, better whatever").

Seeing WS more objectively. ("He did this because he wanted to. He is more broken than I ever imagined.").

Letting go of the outcome. ("Our marriage as we knew it is over. I can control only me. Hello Boundaries.")

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Generally it's a lifting of the confusion and turmoil. You reach a point where the facts are what they are and you start making choices that serve you best versus trying to color the facts to minimize pain and save a dead marriage. Still hurts of course. But there is a letting go feeling when you come to terms with reality, realize it's not your fault and you have all the option in the world to build a better life for yourself.

Some hope creeps in.

Rebuild or move on, you start feeling in your bones that you will be just fine.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 4:00 PM, Wednesday, February 15th]

For me it was after I had processed the shock and moved through the anger phase. I realized this is something that will always be with me, it happened and nothing me or my W can do to make it not have happened. Acceptance doesn’t mean you are ok with it or justifying it. It means you cannot change it.

I realized I was on a healing journey, when the journey started my pack was full off all things I needed to process. About 18 months down the road I decided I didn’t have to carry everything down the path. I looked at the things I had processed and accepted, and dropped those along the road. I don’t plan to carry all the details and anxiety with me.

I’m 3.5 years from Dday and about 90% healed. I’m not carrying that 90% anymore, but the 10% I’m still working on, is still red hot.

Well, we all know NONE of are going to wake up one morning and be HAPPY we our spouses cheated.

Since none of us are ever going to happy about it, acceptance, for me — is the space I need to be in order to rebuild a relationship.

Acceptance is the facts as they happened. Acceptance is knowing that my wife’s choices don’t reflect on me. Acceptance knowing when it happened, however many years ago and allowing it to exist where it belongs, in the past. All of that is fine. I can accept that it happened, but I never, EVER have to be okay about it.

In other words, I embrace hating the A. I will always hate that it happened.

On the flip side of that coin, I still love the person who hurt me. Call it grace, a shot at redemption, a version of love I don’t understand — but I love this person, flaws and all.

I accept the A happened, and am completely okay being NOT okay with it.

I accept that my spouse caused that damage, and that over the last 7-years, she is a vastly different person and worthy of my time and effort.

It was my journey through the forgiveness acceptance myth I had programmed into my head. I could never forgive her for it. I just accepted it happened. The whole time while your in it your trying to find some crazy explanation for it that your brain will accept. I remember reading everything I could get my hands on trying to find the holy grail of an explanation for it but finally accepting there wasn’t one. Once the she did this sunk in and my rage and anger subsided and I quit bargaining I just accepted it. But it took years. Just like our marriage councillor said it would. Today I still don’t forgive her for it. It’s simply unforgivable for me. But the pragmatist in me had to accept it otherwise I would have ruminated for years. It’s a survival instinct to accept it otherwise your left in pain forever. I hope you find some peace.