SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all, I'm glad I found you.

My DD was in May 2021 and my 2 year anniversary of that terrible day is coming up and I'm lost. I've been with my WH since 2007, M in 2010. We've been through many things like most couples. We built a business together, flipped houses on the side, vacationed in our favorite places, cried and held each other when we thought a Cat 5 was about to end our lives, closed the business due to that storm, rebuilt separate professional lives, and the list goes on.

Then DD happened. He told me that he has been unfaithful, did not have an EA but has been spending thousands in strip clubs for the VIP treatment for the last 7 years and then it escalated in 2020 to massage parlors. Yea...

I'm crushed. I knew things weren't as good as they could've been and maybe I should've seen this coming. I caught him watching porn at about that 7 year mark, something I've never been interested in but I figured most guys do it so don't make a fuss. He understood I was upset and said he would stop but I told him he would only lie about it and for him to do it behind my back like he has been. This ended up making me very self conscious and I could feel myself covering up in front of him in a way I hadn't before. I also spent many nights on the couch feeling like I was "less than" all the other women he was watching. We would fight occasionally but I had no idea how out of hand this would get. I'm devastated by the betrayal and the length of time it was happening. I'm trusting by nature and had absolutely no idea that this was happening. For clarification, my job was demanding but rewarding and I work days, nights, holidays. He also sometimes has to travel and took the opportunity on those trips.

After DD we went to MC where I would scream and he would shut down, our therapist had us change to IC and I also went through EMDR. The EMDR was very painful but helped somewhat. I couldn't bare the thought of going around town and running errands with him for fear that one of his (not sure what to call them) would see me and either laugh or feel pity. I said we have to move. He transferred his job to a town that was closer to family and we sold the house. My job was tied to the location so I decided to focus on my recovery.

Here's what actually happened. I drank too much, slept too little and self-isolated. I journaled and read some books but mostly I missed my old home, my career, my friends, my church, and the town which was where I wanted to live the rest of my life. I put my focus on my children (previous M, we have no kids) and grandchildren and found every excuse to NOT work on me, it was too painful. I kept thinking, if I can just get through this move, just get through this holiday, just get through (insert excuse) then I'll feel better.

I ran out of excuses and found SI. I've quit drinking and had my doctor prescribe an anit-depressant, I'm exercising and have gone through the healing library. My WH has been remorseful, given me all his passwords, texts and calls throughout the day and anything else I may ask of him. He is learning to communicate better as this is something he has had issues with since he was young and is being transparent.

My lingering issues are still having nightmares and bouts with hypervigilance. I cannot find the confidence to initiate intimacy and when we do I will fight off flashes of images that haunt me. I sometimes feel angry about my decision to move and all the things I left behind, which in turn makes me feel some resentment towards him and disappointment in my progress. I haven't started building my career and feel stuck in the fear that I will end up with the long hours again and will end up with the same scenario. I just thought that I would be in a better place mentally by the 2 year mark. It's hard to accept that this is now part of the fabric that is my life. I want so much to post a happy story in the reconciliation form.

I apologize for the long post, it's my third attempt to be brief.

No need to apologize pengiun. This is a safe place that houses hundreds of hurt, betrayed and confused people. Laying out our stories takes time. That's what we are here for.

I think you realize that in the last 2 years you didn't do the work to heal yourself. That is NOT a criticism.

You did what many betrayed folk do - you triaged your marriage over yourself. That means your marriage was important to you as it should be. So when all hell broke loose and there was hemorrhaging happening everywhere, you rushed to "save" the marriage. Perfectly normal reaction.

But now here you are. Perhaps just starting to realize that without two healthy people in the marriage, it doesn't quite work. Sure, you're still married but you're suffering, not healing and continuing to bleed.

You're now taking some of the right steps. We call it self care around here and I call it RADICAL self care. That means putting the focus on you like it's your job. Quitting drinking is a great first step. All the drinking did was numb you and kick the healing can down the road.

Read the books. See a counselor. Exercise. Make a list of short and long term goals. Spend time with people who love you and feed your soul. Give yourself pleasure in any way possible every single day. Don't let a day go by without asking yourself what you need, want or would enjoy and then giving it to yourself. Even small things help to lift the spirit. Actively loving yourself (by performing loving acts on yourself) heals. It really does.

Sounds silly but as you heal, your strength grows. That strength will help you drive your life, career and marriage wherever you need it to go.

People are going to come in here and ask what your husband has done to help you heal. He should certainly be supportive of whatever you need, but I believe only you can heal you. Also, after 2 years of focusing on the marriage, my advice is to stop that and focus on you.

Don't apologize. That's what we're here for and we're happy to help.

At the two year mark there is no way I could have written a happy reconciliation story. I was still riding up and down the roller coaster. I still had a great deal of anger and tears. You will get through this. It really does take time.

It sounds like you might have been doing some avoiding with the alcohol and moving away. You have taken some great steps in the right direction.

Have you discussed with your counselor what will make you happy as far as where you live and your career? I agree with the above poster about focusing on you and building inner strength to help you move towards healing.

Has your H done things to work on himself? It's great that he is being transparent.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you had to find us. Infidelity sucks. I had nightmares for 3 years - it's terrible. The mind movies went away, but it took time.

The body image sure takes a hit. But you know what? Victoria's Secret underwear models get cheated on, too. The A wasn't because of how you looked or didn't look, what you did/didn't do, say, etc. The A was because of your WH's brokeness. I hope he's in IC to figure out his why's.

You are enough - he has something lacking.

You need to realize that you're a BASGU (bad ass sparkly unicorn goddess.) Buy some pretty underwear and wear it. Buy some outfits that make you feel like you're dynamite. You are!

I hate to say it, but I'm concerned he hasn't been honest about his activities at the strip club. Thousands for VIP treatment? Has he told you the truth about what goes on in the VIP rooms?

My sister was a stripper. Many of her friends were as well. They're very honest about what happens in those rooms. The man is paying for anything from extra attention, lap dances where they are allowed to touch the girls,lap dances where the girl grinds on top of them,until the men orgasm, to blow jobs,hand jobs,and full blown sex.

I hope he's told you the truth.

Are you sure you aren’t still being gaslit? Some of your symptoms feeling muddled and crazy seem to correspond. Could just be working through betrayal symptoms but I agree that he wouldnt have been going to a strip club for a cheerio. Sounds like bs to me.

Does he have any respect for women, does he understand and value your interior world?

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 9:48 PM, Friday, February 17th]

Why did he decide to confess? Cheaters rarely do so out of guilt; more often than not, it’s because someone was threatening to "out" them. If he was spending thousands on prostitutes and strippers, it’s also possible that he got involved with some very shady characters (drug dealers and pimps, for example).

I think it would do you some good to put your hypervigilance to use and comb through all of your finances for irregularities, ideally with the help of a forensic accountant. You’re not just a victim of sexual infidelity but financial infidelity as well. There could be substantial amounts of debt, or secret accounts and lines of credit, of which you are completely unaware.

Most of the the time when you feel like you’re "going crazy," you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance. You KNOW the story doesn’t add up but you’re still trying to complete the puzzle, even though the pieces don’t fit together quite right.